Saturday

I am feeling very sad today.  I am on the verge of tears.  I was fine last weekend.  Isn't it strange that I am more upset on New Year than Christmas?  I guess I keep thinking I should be at a party tonight like I normally have done in the past.  Isolation is one of the hardest parts of being homeless.  I have caught myself talking to myself on a few occasions, I guess just out of loneliness.

I have decided to go to the movies tonight.  It is the cheapest alternative that I have.  I will wander from theater to theater I guess until it is time for me to go to sleep.  I will have heat and a bathroom which is what I really need.  I have not gone to a movie in quite some time.  It isn't something that I feel is a useful way to use my very limited funds.  But I will make an exception for the weekend.  I may have to do that tomorrow too, but I will see about that.  I can't really go sit in a restaurant tonight since it is a busy night and they won't want some homeless person taking a up table when my bill would be quite small.

There isn't anything that really interests me playing.  I guess I will see New Year's Eve and some movie I never heard of called Young Adult.

I have found a place that will be open early in the morning tomorrow so I will sleep near there to have a bathroom in the morning.  The weather is really nice, unseasonably warm for January.  That comes to a very abrupt end on Monday, but for the next two nights I will sleep just fine. I just looked at the weather report again, Tuesday is going to be awful.  It won't get above freezing all day.  That is a problem because like today, the car is being warmed up by the sun right now.  It gets quite warm in there during the day, so it holds some of the heat.  I guess I could be wrong about that, but I have found that to be true, or maybe it is all in my head.  Either way, tonight will be easy to sleep in.

I just don't have the money for a hotel on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so off to the shelter I must go.  As I have said many times, the shelters are awful.  They are full of people who are substance abusers and mentally ill, so I don't feel safe there.  Not so much in a physical sense, but I can't afford to have my things stolen.  I don't have that much, so I have to hold unto what I have.  I can handle the temperatures down to the upper 20's.  I can keep myself warm enough to fall asleep and stay asleep for about four hours or so.  But once it gets colder than that I just can't keep myself warm enough to stay asleep for very long.  I had thought about getting a down blanket, but I can't afford that.  I stopped in some outdoor clothing store and asked about hiking in low temperatures and they showed my clothing that they said would keep you insulated to about zero degrees.  The stuff was really, really, and I mean really expensive.  Not something that I can spend my limited funds on especially when you consider what would I use them for when this over?  Which, if I stay on target, will be shortly.  Not days, maybe not even weeks, but it should be less than two months as long as nothing else happens that causes me to spend money I hadn't planned for.  My original goal was for this to be only six months, but my more realistic goal of one year should be reachable.

Happy New Year to you and your families.

Friday

I thought I had things worked out for where I could go for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, but that didn't end up working out.  Now I have no place to go and everything will be closing early.  This won't be fun.  I won't even be able to get to a shelter because I have to work on tomorrow and when I work it is too late to get into the shelter.  So I am going to on my own.  I am hoping I can at least go to a movie.  I have never gone to a movie on New Year's before, I am not even sure they are running movies.  I know that they do on Thanksgiving.  I will have to check that.

Also it is going to be very cold Monday and Tuesday nights.  Down in the mid teens.  But I can get to a shelter on those two nights so I will be ok for that.  Tonight is going to be great sleeping weather, not even below freezing.  So I will sleep well.  I didn't sleep well at all on Wednesday night because I was too chilly.  I wasn't really cold, but chilly.  I am not sure if that makes sense.  But I kept waking up.  I looked like the walking dead on Thursday.  But I did sleep well Thursday night.

I was thinking I would stay in a hotel this weekend, but I just didn't have a big enough paycheck to afford it.  It really was a joke.  The lowest paycheck I have gotten in about a year.  Only $220 for two weeks.  I had to pay my storage bill, put more money on bus card, and keep money for my phone bill which is due before I get paid again.  That pretty much took everything that I have.  I do have some cash, but not much.  But I will be ok on food.  I can go to the place that serves food to the homeless next week.  I don't go all the time because it is not close by for me, but when I am short I take advantage of it.  I am working a few extra days this week and next so that helps with food too.  I can use the microwave for soup and spaghetti o's.  I have this feeling that I will never want to see either of those foods ever again once this over.  But it has kept me fed.  I also have enough clean clothes to last for a while, so that will be good too.

Tuesday

It is cold and rainy today.  Not something that is good for me when it comes to sleeping.  But it could be worse, it could be snow.  From what I can see from the weather reports the warmer nights have come to an end.  It will be getting very cold this week.  Great!  I guess the shelter is in my future this week.  A few nights it is going to be in the low 20's and that I can't really handle.  Especially since the hours for stores and things have gone back to normal now that Christmas is over.

I really hate the shelters.  But I am going to see which church they are using for operation hypothermia this week and maybe that work better for me.  Either way, I will need to find a warmer place to stay at least two nights this week.  Tomorrow night being one of them.

I won't have much money for at least two weeks because my next paycheck is going to be something to laugh at not live on.  I am not sure it will cover my monthly expenses.  Which means I have to dip into my stash.  Which I hate doing because that just prolongs my homelessness.  But what else can I do?

This is my life, so there is no point getting myself all worked up over it.  But I really can't wait for this to be over with.  I have had a enough.  I get emails from people saying how strong I am and things like that.  I don't see that.  I am just surviving and dealing with the options that I have.

I have enough food so that is good news.  I will take that this week.

Saturday

Well, I survived Christmas Eve.  I had a good night.  I was invited to someones house to celebrate with their family.  It was fun, but a little sad for me.  Sad, because it wasn't my family that I was with, but fun because there were little kids there and they had so much fun.

I have always opened gifts on Christmas morning, but they do it on Christmas Eve.  We went to a church program with a live nativity scene, had a big dinner and then opened gifts.  I was a little surprised about how they do the gifts.  I guess I expected to see tons of presents for the kids, but they do only three gifts each.  She told me that was what Jesus got so she doesn't see the need to give her kids more than that.  I never would have thought of that myself, but it is a good point.  They also don't exchange gifts between adults she says Christmas is about a birth of a baby, and it should be about the children.  We also watched the Sound of Music while the kids played with their new toys.

There was some not really good fish that smelled.  I don't feel bad saying that because I was warned that it was smelly, but she says it is not Christmas without it.  I tried it, but I didn't really like it very much.  The sauce was good, but the fish was not really my cup of tea.  The little girl ate it up though, which I found to be funny.

I am going to sleep good tonight and I guess I will nap most of tomorrow.  I don't get to sleep in a bed too often so I want to take advantage of it.  I was given some leftovers for tomorrow so I don't have to spend any more money on groceries so that helps me out.

I am grateful that I have a place to stay tonight and tomorrow night.   All and all I can't complain.  I miss my Aunt, but I talked to her earlier and she is having a good day and they have activities planned for them tomorrow.  So she is in good hands.  I don't have to worry about her being alone.  I know she worries about me as much as I worry about her.  It has been hard on me to hide this from her, but I know it is the right thing, because she isn't in a position to help me and it will just make her sick with worry if she understood the situation.  So this is best.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas.

I also want to say a very deeply felt thank you for those that found it in their hearts to help me out and to those who sent me special wishes for Christmas.  Your generosity has humbled me.  I really am going to be short for the next few weeks because of the time of year and not making much money this month.  This will help me make sure I can pay my bills and have food until my next paycheck in January.   I can hardly keep my eyes open so I am going to get some sleep.

Thursday

The weather has been kind to me.  It was very warm last night for late December.  I was able to sleep in just socks so my feet could get some much needed airing out.  Like I said I have issues with my skin because of my feet getting so sweaty when it is cold out.  So I am grateful for that.  They feel much better today.  The skin is very gross looking.  I have mentioned before I have a strange fascination with sportscenter (one of the things that I miss most about no TV) and my feet look like an athletes foot that you see being attended to by a trainer.  Not very pretty.

I can't say that I got enough sleep though.  I have been very anxious lately.  The closer it gets to me being out of this the more nervous I am getting.  I am almost over the biggest hurdle I have been facing.  I have not gone into the details of that but it has been my biggest stumbling block and I am close to getting it taken care of.  Once that is done I do think everything else will fall into place within a month or so.

I should feel this sense of relief but I don't.  Well, I do, but I guess all these doubts are creeping in.  I think I may be trying to protect myself in case something else goes wrong and I am not able to find a housing situation early next year.  I have thought it would be over before now, so I guess I am bracing myself for the additional disappointment I will feel if this continues.

But I am trying to make some decisions.  Stupid things like do I buy a bed before I find a place to live or do I just sleep on the floor until I can really afford one?  I did it before, with enough blankets on the floor it is not so bad.  I sold my bed as a way to raise money and not end up homeless, but I just didn't have enough things to sell.  But it did keep my rent paid for a time so it helped.  I can get an air mattress for the time being, but they are not cheap either.

It is my nature to plan, but this experience has taught me that sometimes you just have to go with the flow.  So I am not sure if thinking about these things is a good idea or not.

Tuesday

Well that was a waste of my time and money on my bus pass.  I was told that these people would be willing to help me.  They were not.  I am no longer surprised by the responses I get.  Go to a shelter here, go to a food bank there.  Here is some cereal.  Band-aids, not help.

I have known from the beginning that ultimately I was the only one that was going to get myself out of this.  But I didn't realize exactly how true those words were.

Oh well.  No time to feel bad, just have to move on and figure out a solution.

I am really hungry today, but my budget is tight so I am going to have make due on fruit for the rest of the day.  I had a good breakfast, but I ate earlier than I usually do.  So now I am very hungry.  I work tomorrow, so I can make some things in the microwave.  I wonder if any notices that I eat three meals there on the days that I work?  I also work until late so that helps me.

Wow, it was great sleeping weather last night.  I got to sleep without shoes!!!  You have no idea what it is like to always have to have a full set of clothes on 24 hours a day.  It is one of the things that you never think about.  You can't take your bra off.  When it is cold you have to have shoes and socks on all the time.  You are always wearing a coat and usually a hat.  Which is another reason why it is so important for the homeless to wash up every day.  Your clothes are always on you so your body oils are always getting on them.  I change clothes everyday, or at least try to.  Sometimes I just can't, but I do try.  I don't always get to do laundry as often as I should.  But I change the clothes closest to my skin daily.  I am really glad that I hung onto many of my summer shirts.  They have really come in handy.  I wear those as my under layer.

Monday

Bad news and even more bad news.

My boss told me that they may be cutting hours again if business doesn't pick up.  Which of course means I would be out of job.  The one positive in that would be that I guess I could collect unemployment if I lose my job all together.  But since I don't have an address that may mean I can't.

I thought my car was in a safe place and come to find out it really isn't.  So I am going to have to find another solution and do it soon.  I have a few names of people that I think I can talk to and will have to do that tomorrow.  It is too late in the day for me try and talk to them now.  The place is not in a good neighborhood and I am not very familiar so I would prefer to do it during daylight hours since I have to walk.  I hope that they can come up with another solution for me.  I shouldn't really complain, I have been safe in this location for a while now.  But the place that I have to contact is very far from my job and will be much more difficult for me to get back and forth to work if they let me stay there or at least let me keep my car there.

The one good bit of good news is that it will be somewhat warmer for the rest of the week so I should be able to sleep just fine.

I saved up my money to stay in a hotel Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Which is wonderful.  The problem is that I just looked at the weather reports and Monday and Tuesday night are due to be much colder.  I can't  afford to stay more than two nights, so that won't be fun.  But there is nothing that I can do about it.

Another piece of good news is that I should have two good sales at work this week.  I need to keep my fingers crossed because last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a long time.  So my next paycheck is not going to be good.  I wanted to be able to stay somewhere on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day since so many things will be closed and I have no place to use a bathroom.  But I don't think that is going to be possible.  Even that fleabag motel place is out my reach right now.

I am in need of a Christmas Angel.  Hey, I can dream right?

Sunday

Early this morning I was woken up by the police.  Luckily for me it wasn't me that they were talking to.  It was that homeless woman I talked about yesterday.

They told her that she could either leave or they would arrest her for trespassing.  She chose to leave instead.  It is too bad they didn't come early in the night when it was much colder and they could have brought her to a shelter.

I was really scared that I was next.  But if they noticed me at all, they just left me alone.  I would think that someone complained that she was there.  There are people in and out of that building at all hours, day and night. That is why I never go over there.  I can see it, but I don't go on the property for any reason.  I always figured I was asking for trouble by going over there.

You see people are only sympathetic to the homeless that they don't see.  Just imagine if a homeless person set up camp near your home.  You wouldn't like it, would you?  You would wonder if they were dangerous or were they going to steal from you.  It is a reasonable thing to think.  Obviously they are broke.

The really strangest thing was that someone dropped her off there in the middle of the night.  Isn't that strange to you?  She found a stranger (I assume anyway, since she has asked me for rides) to drop her off in the middle of the night.  I suppose it is nice that they did it, since she carries around a great deal of stuff.  But you just drop off a homeless woman alone in an empty parking lot in the middle of night and drive off back to your life?

I only started her seeing her on a regular basis in the past couple of weeks.  I had seen her once before on the bus months ago, but going to the opposite direction of where she was this morning.  I am thinking she finds a warm and safe place to stay during the day and then just sleeps somewhere near there.  People complain then she just finds the next place to go to.

Which is a little of what I have done, but I move around just because of this reason.  I have found that people won't say too much if you are not there on a daily basis.  If they see you once a week or once a month they will leave you alone.  Except for the person who called the police this morning.  Or maybe she has been there many times and I don't know about it.  Which of course is possible.

I won't be staying in the same place tonight.  Better safe than sorry.  I was given a phone number for a lawyer who will help with homeless people and their rights.  Yes, there are such people.  I should call them and ask if they had the right to threaten to arrest her today.  But, it isn't really my business, so maybe I should just mind my own.

Like I said, I am very short on money this month with this being our slowest month of the year at work, so there is nothing that I can do to help her.  I don't have an extra fleece lined hat or another pair of boots.  I keep almost everything of any value and what I don't use in my storage locker so I don't have to worry about it being stolen.

Well, say a little prayer for that woman tonight that she has a safe place to sleep.  They don't seem to want her around here.  She is much more obviously homeless than I am.  A major sin.  If you are going to be homeless, do your best not to look it.  Once people know you are homeless, you are basically human trash. I put my make up on everyday, I always have on clean clothes, and I wash my body everyday.  So I am presentable to the world.

Saturday

I think I have mentioned another woman who I have been seeing very regularly lately.  She must be schizophrenic, she spends most of her time talking to herself.  Anyway - I ran into her last night and she asked me for some money.  I don't even have enough money for myself this month, so there is no way I can give any to her.

I watched her pull all of her belongings into this entrance way and go to sleep for the evening.  It was cold last night.  Not really cold, but still cold.  Her coat isn't that warm, her hat and gloves are just knits, not even fleece lined, and her blanket looks really old.  I felt so bad for her.  She was still there when I woke up this morning too.  She is just like that vet guy I see often.  He won't take his medication, so he will never improve his life.

I have to keep telling myself on my down days that I am very lucky to have a car to sleep in.  It doesn't run well, but it at least gives me some protection.  I have warm clothes and boots.  I have a fleeced line hat.  My gloves are flimsy, but they will do.  I don't have to constantly ask complete strangers for money just so I can eat.

I also realize that this isn't going to be the rest of my life.  I sometimes feel that way, but it is just stress and anxiety that makes me feel that way.

I have almost no more money for the rest of the month, but I have some food stored up that I can eat at work and I am spending the night in a hotel on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I saved my money up for that.  I will have a place to use the rest room, I will have a warm bed, a hot shower, and place to fix a small meal for myself.  I am truly blessed compared to this woman.

So if I am feeling down on Christmas Day, I am going to remember that.

Thursday

It is a warm day for mid December.  How thankful I am.  I will sleep well tonight.  It is going to be cold this weekend though.  Mid twenties both Saturday and Sunday nights.  That will not be a good sleeping weather.  On Monday I can go to the library and take a nap.  But Sunday's are hard.  My options of places to go are very limited.  It is slightly better because of Christmas, stores are staying open later.

Today was my last day of being able to shower whenever I want.  My gym membership ended and I don't have the money to renew it.  So this is going to become a problem.  I have not quite figured out how I am going to solve it.  The places to shower at the shelter are nasty, and I mean nasty.  I will have to deal with that on a day to day basis.  This is one of the things that I am not going to completely stress myself out about because I can't change it.  I have realized that one of the reasons I was not sleeping well was due to stress.  When I don't sleep well it just makes everything else harder.

Tuesday

It has been very cold for the past few nights.  I was going to stay in a shelter, but I thought I would see how I did before I put myself through that.  I was ok the first night.  I slept well as a matter of fact.  The second night not so much.  But, I will tell you the boots that I was given have been a godsend.  They really do keep my feet warm.  While they are still a little cold when I wake up they are not like blocks of ice they would have been had I had on my sneakers.  I should have put on one more layer on top and I think I would have been fine.

This is the last night in the twenties for a few days so I will be ok.  One night this week is supposed to be in the mid forties so that will be good.  I can deal with that easily.

I just really hate the shelters so I avoid them if at all possible.  I do have some good news, I have gotten a place to go to the bathroom easily in the mornings now.  So that is very helpful.  I was trying to avoid fluids past 9:30 so I wouldn't have to go so badly first thing in the morning.

I am still not faring well with internet access, but that is something that I will just learn to live without.  I have learned to live without many things for the past two years, so this is just one more.  I keep telling myself that this is almost over, and I can start to get my life back to some normalcy.  I am not sure what normal means for me anymore though.

I can't imagine that I will be the same person I was before this downward spiral started.  I hope that I have become more compassionate.  Not that I think that I wasn't before, but I did concentrate on my own life and didn't really pay attention to the rest of the world.  I hope that is something I won't revert back to.  I also hope that this diary of sorts has helped other people too.

I am not so sure that I have given much practical advice to others who are in a similar situation or feeling like it could happen to them if their finances don't improve soon.  The most practical advice I can give is to realize that not many people are going to help you, and be willing to accept it when it does come along.

I think admitting that you can't do it on your own is hard thing that becomes a barrier for people. You need to put your pride aside and accept it when people offer to help.  If someone wants to give you food, take it.  You may not know when it will come again.  If someone wants to help out with rent money, accept it.   But don't become bitter if that help is not forthcoming.

You can keep yourself clean when you are homeless, so do it.  You will feel better when your clothes and your body is clean.  It may not mean a full shower, but you can wash yourself in restrooms with soap.  Brush your teeth a few times a day too.  The last thing you need is to get a cavity or something.

Most importantly, realize that you are not alone.  When you take a look around you will find many other homeless too.  In a strange sort of way that will give you comfort.  It helps you feel less like a failure.

In the winter, wear plenty of layers.  Wear two or three lightweight shirts under a heavier sweater or sweatshirt, it really does help keep you warmer.  So does wearing sweatpants over your pants when you are trying to sleep.  That little extra will give you the warmth you need to fall asleep.  Once you are asleep, you will get heat from your body.

I did see that vet again.  He seems like a very nice man.  I dont' have any extra food this week, so I hope that he has been eating.  I usually give him my extra.  I have not seen that lady with the cleaning fetish in a long time.  I hope she is ok.  But a few other homeless have drifted into my sphere.  They all seem to have mental health problems.  I guess the medications must be pretty bad to them if they are homeless instead of taking their pills.  One of the women is pretty bold.  She just goes right up to people and tells them she is homeless and hungry or needs a ride.  She manages to get food that way.  I don't do that.  But I guess that is just not my personality.  So more power to her that she can be bold like that I guess.

But the happiest thing I can report is that I have not seen creepy guy in quite some time.  I am hoping that I never have to see him again.  My plan is for this be to over in about 6-10 weeks.  Here is hoping that I never run into him again.

Sunday

I have been trying to find out if the kids that were shot by their mom in the welfare office are doing better, but I can't find any info.  I am not going to try and defend what this woman did, she must have had some serious problems that go beyond not having money for food.

But, I will say that I do understand how it feels to think that your options are very limited.  I know that some people will think I did this to myself.  In some ways may be they are right, but only to a degree.  I may have been able to stave it off a little longer than I did, but it would have happened at some point in any event.  I should have rented my home sooner.  But, that would have only given a few more months in rent money.  It wouldn't have solved my problems.

I am lucky in the respect that it is just me.  I can make do with little food for a few days or even a week if I have to.  I have found things that fill me up, even if artificially.  Apples and a glass of water will make you feel full.  It won't last all day, but it will help you if you are feeling very hungry.  You can buy an apple for about $1 and find a water fountain, so it will cost you next to nothing.  But you can't do that everyday without feeling very weak over a period of time.  Eventually you will need something more.

As I said, it is just me.  But for people who have to look at their children who are hungry, it must be a gut wrenching experience as a parent.  I don't have kids so I don't know.  But I would imagine the guilt you would feel for not being able to feed your children must be overwhelming.

The one thing that I know for sure is that government is not really set up to help people get out of their situation.  All they do is keep you in it.  They give you band-aids instead of the care that you really need to help get yourself out of it.  I don't even make the attempt to contact any government offices anymore, it is just banging my head on the wall and all I end up with is a headache.

This woman seems to be a special case in the fact that she didn't do what was necessary and then reacted by hurting her own children.  I read somewhere once that there is some sort of mental illness that when you can no longer care for your family the way you feel you should be you kill them.  Luckily it is very rare.  I just hope that those kids get the help that they need.  They will need a great deal of love and understanding to deal with the aftermath of being shot by their own mother.  I hope that they have other family to be sent to.  Foster care is not always a good thing.  You don't always end up with good people who want to help you.

Friday

I don't know if you remember but I had said previously that for the homeless feet are really important.  Well, this experience is really showing on my feet.  I have all kinds of blisters and my skin looks awful.  Most of it is because of them being sweaty so much of the time.  You are stuck between your feet being cold or being hot.  When it is cold you need to wear layers to stay warm, but you can't always find the sweet spot of being warm and being too hot.  When it was summer I could easily put lotion on them, but that is much harder now that I have all these layers on.

Tonight for instance is going to be right around the freezing mark so I need to have several layers on to sleep comfortably.  I slept fine last night and the temperature was about the same, but I had on tights and socks with a pair of lined boots.  Had I not done that I would have been cold.  I have tried sleeping in my sneakers in this weather and my feet feel like blocks of ice when I wake up.

My skin is also very dry, because with all the layers it is next to impossible to put lotion on in the evenings before I sleep.  So I get itchy because of the lack of moisture.

Just one more thing to look forward to when this is finally over.  Sleeping without socks with feet and legs that have just been doused in lotion.

Thursday

I am really tired.  I didn't sleep well last night at all.  It was not so much the cold, but the wind.  I am not exactly sure why it kept me awake, but it did.  I was able to take a nap this afternoon for a few hours, but I am still really feeling tired.

Tonight is due to be colder than last night, but it is not nearly as windy.  So I am hoping that I can get myself warm enough to sleep and stay asleep for at least six hours.

I am also feeling very hungry, but I just don't have much in the way of extra money for the next week or so, and budgeting my food costs is vital for me this week.  The days I work are fine, I can use the microwave.  But the days I don't is when it gets difficult.

I also can't take naps on the days I work.  So it is important for me to get as much sleep as I can the night before.  Especially since work is kind of slow right now, and it gets boring just standing around.  Which I guess I don't do much else other times either, but at least I can read or something.

My gym membership expires next week and I don't have enough to extend it, so I am losing my free place to shower.  There is that sink I can use, but it will difficult with the cold weather.  It was no big deal in the summer time.

I am just hoping that this is going to be over soon.  It has been a real emotional drag on me and it is showing.

Tuesday

The weather has been delightful this week.  Warm enough that I don't even need a coat to sleep.  That will be becoming to an abrupt end later this week.  It is supposed to go down to the low twenties by the weekend.  I don't know how long it is going to last.  I keep hoping for a El Nino winter.  Or is it El Nina?  Whichever it is, I hope to have as much of that this winter as possible.

I will have to go the shelter again this weekend.  I will try Thursday night and see how that goes.  If it is too cold to sleep, I will go to the shelter for the balance of the weekend.  My car is safe where it is, so that is big relief.  It just isn't close to internet access or to a bathroom that is easy to get to first thing in the mornings.  I have stopped having any fluids after 9:30 so I don't have to go so badly when I wake up.  For some strange reason I still have to go when I wake up.  I don't understand it.  I have no fluids and go at least twice before going to sleep and I still have to go.  Where are these fluids coming from?  Maybe this explains my recent weight gain.  I must be retaining a great deal of water.  I don't understand why.  I try to eat as well as I can under the circumstances.  I eat some vegetables at least once a week.  I eat fiber every day, and I get as much protein as I can.  Maybe I am eating too much bread.  But the bread is filling so it helps me.

I have started looking at roommate rental listings to see how much they are.  I am hoping that I will have enough saved up by February to get a place and be able to pay three months in rent saved up.  If nothing else goes wrong, I just may make it.  But I have to remember how little money I make this month at my job.  It is the slowest month of the year for me.  But I am not going to move somewhere until I know that I have some cushion and will be able to pay the rent for three months.  That will give me the time to figure out how to make it work moving forward.  I don't want to end up in the same position again.  This is going to be one time only experience.

Sunday

Sorry I have not posted in a while.  I don't have as much access to the internet at the moment.  So, it has been harder for me to post.  Things are going about the same.  Some nights are really cold, but there is still some warm nights too.  Well, not warm, but not really cold either.  With the proper clothing and my blankets I am fine.  The other night I was colder than I needed to be.  I didn't put on a turtle neck and I should have.  The problem is I hate wearing high collars, really hate it.  I feel like it is chocking me.  But, I need to keep my skin covered in order to stay warm.

I also have problems with my feet getting sweaty.  If I don't wear heavy socks and sleep with shoes on, I am cold.  If I do sleep with them on my feet get sweaty and then they stink.  Since taking a shower everyday isn't always possible it is dilemma.  But, I have to go with being warm.

This is a very slow time at work right now.  You work longer hours because of extra hours for shopping season, but people concentrate more on buying for others, not for themselves.  It picks up again the day after Christmas, but it is very slow most of December.  My sales this week weren't horrible, but they were not great either.  But, I have some stash so I will be alright for the rest of the month.  I am going to need to stay in a hotel Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I have a place to use a bathroom.  But, I looked online and they are somewhat affordable.  If I can't find a nice one, I can stay in the flee bag place.

It is going to somewhat warm tonight and even warmer tomorrow night, so I should get some good sleep.  I have enough food to last me for a the rest of the week, so that is good too.

Well I am going to get to sleep early, since I should be warm enough.  I did stay in a shelter the other night, and I really do hate it, but it was too cold.  So I am going to take advantage of the weather.

Have a good night all.

Tuesday

Well I have a solution for my car.  Albeit a temporary one, but a solution.  So that is a great deal off my shoulders.  I will have access to it when I need it and it will be safer.  So I hope this is a start to the break I need to get my life back in better order.

I also made some contact with some former clients from my last job to see if they have any freelance work for me.  It will be a pain with taxes, but that really is the least of my concerns at the moment.  I am hoping for the best.

I had a good dinner tonight.  I try to eat one really one good meal a week and tonight was it.  I had steak and a baked potato with a Greek salad.  I found a coupon online so it wasn't overly expensive and if I eat raman noodles at work for the rest of the week I will be good.

I did make up a most of the sales I lost the previous week over the weekend between Black Friday and Saturday.  I was asked to work an extra shift this week so my outlook for the next paycheck seems promising.  We also usually get a bonus between the week of Christmas and New Years.  Last year that helped me stayed housed a few extra months.  The sales are down this year, so it will be less, but if I can get my car fixed I will be grateful.

Friday

I had a good day at work today.  I really needed it since I made no money last week whatsoever.  I could have made more if the people I work with were honest, but they are not.  They will cheat and steal to get money.  I am homeless and still realize that I need to still look at myself in the mirror at the end of every day.  But they don't seem to care.

I had a very nice meal yesterday.  I don't think I have seen that much food in one place in a very long time.  It was an expansive buffet.  I ate my fill.  The stuffing was amazing.  I don't know how it was cooked, but I never tasted stuffing that good ever.  I am not a big turkey fan, but there was plenty of other things to choose from too.

I am very tired, had a long day at work.  It was not as busy as they had hoped.  But, I did ok.

I am going to get some sleep since I really need it.  I hope everyone had a very nice Thanksgiving.

Wednesday

I am so tired.  Work has been long, but not money making.  I had some sales today, but not very much.  I sold next to nothing last week, so I can't even imagine how small my paycheck is going to be next week.  I can only hope that Black Friday and Saturday are good sales days.  I know I have a decent sale coming on Saturday.  She called today, but she didn't want to deal with the heavy traffic.  Although I heard from others that the traffic wasn't so bad.  I am staying close to work so I don't know what the traffic is, since I walk most places now.

I guess we will see.  I have somewhere to go and eat tomorrow, so that is nice.  The weather has been warm all week too.  Well, warm for late November.  But easy enough to sleep in.  So I will take my blessings where I can get them.  It is raining today and bit cool, but still not cold.  It shouldn't be getting cold again until mid next week.

I spoke to my Aunt today.  She is feeling good and doing fine.  I really miss her.  I have not seen her in almost a year.  I raided my piggy bank last year after New Year to go and see her.  I would love to do the same again this year, but I just don't think it will be possible.  The air fare has gotten more expensive and there is no way my car will make it that far.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving and say thanks for all that you have.  I plan on being thankful that I am better off than many other homeless.

Friday

Well a very bad week at work.  A very large order that was made last weekend was cancelled.  So I have made no money this week at all.  I have to hope that tomorrow is better.  Otherwise I have worked this week for nothing.  Or basically nothing.  Not good.

The good news is I survived the very cold temperatures last night with no problem whatsoever.  I was very warm and cozy.  That is until I was more awake.  Then I felt very cold.  I found a good solution for me.  I put sweatpants over my pants and that second layer really helps.  Even my feet were fine without the boots.  I was so tired that I just wanted to get to sleep and was to tired to pull the boots out.  So I figured if I got cold I would do it and the need never materialized.

Tonight is not going to be quite as cold tonight, so I will be good.  So I figure I can make it through most of the winter.  There will be nights that will be much colder, but I can get through the high 20's.  Also it has helped the days have been warm.  So when the temps don't rise above 25 or so that are going to be a problem.

I have to work very long days most of next week.  It is usually pretty busy.  So I hope to make some money. I have decided that I am going to get a hotel room for three nights.  That will help me out with work. The place is within walking distance of my job and is much cleaner and nicer than I normally can afford.  I guess Thanksgiving is not a big hotel weekend.  So the rooms were very cheap online.  I paid less than what I would have for that dump that I stay in if I am sick.  And it has a kitchenette.  No oven, but a stove top.  I can get myself a good meal for Thanksgiving.  The man who has helped me out before gave me most of the money for the hotel.  I was worried about it because where would I go to the bathroom if nothing is open?  I also have to be at work at 4 am.  The joy of working retail on black Friday.  Mandatory 12 hour shifts and you start in the middle of the night.

Four of the stores in the mall are opening right at Midnight.  I think it is crazy.  I have no desire to get up in the middle of the night to go shopping.  I better be getting something to close to free in order to do that.  The malls have to hire extra security.  People will be lined up by 2 am.  If I am not mistaken it is not supposed to be very cold so that will be good for them.  But I still think it is crazy.  I guess since I don't have kids to buy presents for I don't see the need to do it.  I know for customers that come and buy from me won't be getting that great of a deal.  It won't be all that much different than this weekend.  Some sets are even more expensive next weekend than this weekend.  But people convince themselves that they are saving money.  I guess somethings will be less expensive and good deals, but most things won't be.

But the good news for me is that since things will be open later, I will have more time in the warmth and a bathroom. The main concerns in my life at the moment.  Like I have said in the past, being homeless is about surviving today.  Your life becomes very centered on today.  How much you have to eat.  Do you have a clean place to wash up?  Can you find a restroom? Making sure you have something clean to put on.  Thinking too far ahead is pointless.  This has been one of the biggest adjustments for me.  I am a planner.  I don't like last minute living.  I guess it works for some people, but not for me.  But I have learned to adjust.  To the best of my ability anyway.

I have another person to go and talk to on Monday.  This one is very far away, but if they can help it shouldn't matter.

Well, have a good night all.

Thursday

Sorry, I didn't realize how long it has been since I lasted posted.  I completely lose track of the time, the days all blend together for me.  That is why I find it amazing that I always seem to make it to work.

Not much is new for me.  The nights have been warm all week, but that ends tonight.  It should be below freezing tonight and right above that tomorrow night.  But it will warm up again on Sunday.  I can deal with two nights.  Lots of layers and boots and I will be good to go.

I saw creepy guy again.  Like I said, he would turn up eventually.  Luckily, he didn't see me.  I was able to make a clean getaway.  I make a real effort to make sure I don't spot him in the places where I have seen him in the past.

The man who is mentally ill hasn't been around in a while.  I hope he is ok.  He seems like a nice man.  I have overheard him when he talks to himself and from what I can gather he is a veteran who thinks they are trying to poison him.  That is why he won't take his medication like he should.  Which is really a shame because he won't ever get to have a normal life if he doesn't.  I sometimes give him my leftover food.  I can't store anything, so it is better to give him what I don't eat then to throw it away.  It won't fill him up, but it will give him some additional calories.

I was finally able to give that young man the sweats I had for him.  He was sleeping.  He sleeps more than anyone I have ever seen.  That is all I ever see him doing.  As I have said, I don't know his story.  He doesn't smell like he is all liquored up.  Maybe just a runaway.  But at least now he has something a bit warmer.  It won't help all that much with the temperatures tonight, but I guess it is better than his tshirt and shorts.

Well I have to get back to work.  Have a good day.

Saturday

My hope for a busy holiday at work did not come true.  It was ok.  I had a few decent sales, but nothing like the past few Veterans Day holidays that I have worked.  Now I can move onto the hope that people were busy yesterday and decided to catch the sales today instead.

I do have someone that should be coming in today to place a good sized order.  She took all the swatches home and did her measuring to make sure that everything will fit.  You would be amazed at how many people buy furniture that they can't fit into their homes.  Which of course I then lose my pay when they return it.  In case you didn't know, don't ever listen to someone when they tell you no returns.  It almost never really means that.  Believe me, I have lost plenty of money that way.

I was really cold when I woke up this morning.  The coldest I have ever been.  But, I think it was really my own fault.  I didn't put enough layers on.  I needed to add a sweatshirt and put on my boots.  I have been resisting sleeping in my boots, I just don't think it is going to be very comfortable, but it has gotten too cold to do anything other than that at this point.  My nose was freezing and my feet were cold too.  My feet were not nearly as cold as my nose, but still cold.

You know I have heard you sleep better when you are in a cold environment.  Not sure that is true.

I think I found a solution for my car, but I won't know for sure for another few days. But that will really help me out a great deal if I can get that off my mind.

Off to work.  Have a good day.

Thursday

I have been a little upset for the past few days.  The agency that I thought was going to give me some good advice didn't.  They have a reputation of helping people, but again no real help will be forthcoming.  So today I have another place to go to.  This one is very far for me, but it will be necessary to contact them.

I am still very tired all the time.  I have to just learn to accept that.  Until my stress level goes down I won't feel like I am getting enough sleep.

I also had a bunch of cancellations on my days off.  So this week is not going to be a good one for the paycheck.  I am still not even at zero yet, so I owe them money instead of them owing me money.  Not the way you want to go.  It is a holiday tomorrow, so maybe it will be a busy weekend.  I can hope.

I have to get going so I can figure out how I am going to get to the people I am going to talk to.  They may be able to store my car for me, which is really what I need right now.  I don't drive it much so if I can find a place to store it where it will be safe, I can just go to shelter for the rest of the winter and be ok.  Not something that I wanted to do, but I don't see many more options for me.  Maybe I will be better at getting money saved up if I am in a shelter.  That is my biggest issue at the moment.  Every time I get some money saved, something else happens that I didn't plan on.

Sunday

My least favorite day of the week is here.  It is going to be cold tonight, hovering around the freezing mark.  Not fun.  But I think I should be fine.  I have enough layers, a hat, warm blankets and new boots.  So I will get through it.  The hypothermia program starts in a few weeks so I will have an alternative on cold nights.  I just have to make due until then.

Someone gave me money for a hotel room over the weekend, so I slept and slept again.  I also ate two good dinners and even a really good breakfast for a change.  So that will keep my immune system up.  That is really my biggest issue right now.  Making sure that I am getting all the nutrients that I need.  I also need to make sure that I am getting enough protein.  If my immune system is off the cold will really make me sick.  I read about can you really get sick from being cold, and what I found out is that your immune system starts to break down a little due to the cold, so it is important that you eat and sleep well.  Since I won't really be sleeping well, eating well becomes that much more important.  I am trying to get more fruits and vegetables into my diet, but it isn't easy.  Partly due to cost and partly due to cooking the veggies.

I also am going to need to make some changes about where I am sleeping........again.  But I am getting used to that.  It is really better to stay on the move as much as possible, but my car being in disrepair has hampered that.  I did that in the beginning.  Sleeping in different locations.  It keeps you off the radar of people and businesses.  If you are only there occasionally they for the most part leave you alone.  They just don't want you to become fixtures and scare off business.  I try to stay near areas that have some people around for safety reasons.

Many of the homeless I know go to places that are much more remote.  I don't like that.  It scares me.  I guess to each their own.

Have a good night all.

Thursday

I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday.  I walked into this store and when I saw all the Christmas decorations I broke out in tears.  I am just so amazed that this has gone on as long as it has.  So I guess I am a little disturbed by the reminder that it is almost Christmas.

The cold weather and the holidays was not something I expected to see while homeless.  I really did believe it wouldn't last this long.  I have said in the past I had all these things in mind about what was going to happen, and it has not worked out the way I thought it was going to.

I am still waiting to get a return phone call from one the resources that I was given.  I can't find the address anywhere so I can't just show up.  I just have to wait until they call me back.  Although it has been my experience that in many instances you never hear anything.  I have the meeting next week with that non profit that is designed to help people transition back to having a place to live.

I saw creepy guy again last night.  I had to go find another place to use the bathroom so he wouldn't see me.  I suppose I should have some sympathy for him because he doesn't seem to have the proper clothes for the weather either.  But I can't bring myself to feel anything but contempt for him.

I slept ok with the cold last night.  I was really cold at one point and turned the heat on for a little while.  That got me through the night without any other problems.  My nose was really cold when I woke up, but beside that I was fine.

Someone bought me a really nice pair of boots.  They are waterproof and lined.  So they will help with rain, snow, and cold.  So I should be all set.  I also figure I could sleep with them on and that will help a lot.  As I said, exposed skin is the enemy when you are homeless.  So this will cut down on that.  They are just above my ankle so I can put my pants in them and keep myself warmer.  It also will help about wearing multiple pairs of socks.  Which I don't like.  It is too bulky.  I wear layers all the time, but I try to avoid to many layers on my feet.  Feet are very important when you are homeless.  If you get foot infections, you will be in trouble.  It will make getting around hard.

Oh, my knee is still bruised and a little swollen, but it is fine.

I am on way to work.  Have a good day.

Tuesday

I am so mad.  I said I had to laundry yesterday.  I waited until later in the evening to do it so I could stay in the heat longer.  I took the bus to the laundromat, which was not a problem.  I got everything cleaned.  But, since I had not done it in a while my pile was pretty large.  Also, since the clothes are heavier they take up more room.  I had three bags to carry back with me including the anti freeze for my car.

There is always construction going on in this area.  As soon as they finish one project they have already started on two more.  So the major roadway was blocked off.  The bus driver threw us off the bus because she didn't want to go through the detour.  The road was pitch black.  No street lights were on at all.  There was construction workers and trucks on one side then moving traffic on the other.  There were no sidewalks.  I had to walk in the middle of the road against oncoming traffic with three heavy bags.

I couldn't see anything and I tripped and screwed up my knee.  It is so bruised and swollen I am having a hard time walking on it.  The free medical care that you can get when you are homeless is a long ways away from here.  I don't know what that driver was thinking.  There were five of us on the bus.  We could have easily been hit by a car.  The construction guys were yelling at me, and I finally told them to go find the bus driver and yell at her.  She is the one that dumped us off the in the middle of the road.  Stupid bitch.

I called the bus company this morning to complain.  She should lose her job for pulling a stunt like that.  They would be sued if something happened to one of us.  I am sure she won't lose her job, but she should.  Don't you think?

Monday

Well I am back on the road again.  It was nice to get some decent sleep and a real shower for a change.  I have realized that no matter what I do I am tired.  I think my body is reacting to the stress by wanting to shut down for a while.  So no matter how much sleep I get I am still tired.  I guess this won't change until I am settled and the anxiety I am feeling is gone.

Today is Halloween.  I love this day normally.  But I won't be doing any celebrating today.  I have get my laundry done.  The place where I stayed was much more expensive to do my laundry that it wasn't worth it.  So I lugged all that stuff around for no reason.  Oh well, live and learn.  Now I know.

I went and spoke with that organization that may be able to help me.  They seemed nice.  I filled out the paperwork for the screening process that they do.  I have to go back next week.  Normally they don't want to wait that long, but my work schedule won't allow me to go back any earlier.  There was no time that worked for me in the hours that they had available.

I have another place to try as well and I have a phone number for another person who may be able to help too.  So I am hoping that one of the three will be able to find some sort of temporary housing for me.  I am lucky at least because the cold spell seems to be gone for the rest of the week and I will be fine in my car.  I can keep myself warm down to the low 40's pretty easily.  That isn't something that I ever would have thought in the past, but you can do it if you try.  Just dress in layers, keep your head warm, and wrap yourself in a few heavier blankets and you will stay warm.

I meant to tell you that I saw that young kid again.  Still in a tshirt and shorts.  I really hope that he found some place to stay for the past two nights because it was cold.  I want to give him a pair of sweats that will at least help keep him a little warmer.  But I didn't have them with me since I hadn't seen him in a while.  So I will start carrying them with me again so I can give them to him.  I have a few pairs, and like I said I realize that I am in a much better position than some.

I also have to go and buy anti freeze today.  I wasn't able to do before today.  It is hard when you have to budget every dime you have and any little thing throws you off.

It isn't my imagination about my hair falling out more than normal.  I couldn't believe how much hair was in the shower when I was done.  I don't look like I am going bald or anything, but if it keeps up at that rate, I would think I will be soon.  I can't let myself get too stressed about since there isn't anything that I can do to stop it.  I think it is stress related anyway.  Strange things happen to your body when you are under severe duress.  I was doing ok until I realized that the winter is coming fast.  That is what has gotten my mind so stressed.  Somehow in my mind I believe that heat was more doable than the cold.  I don't know which is worse.  The heat was pretty bad on a few nights, and with the cold you can put on more clothes and use blankets.  So maybe the heat is worse.  I don't know.

Well have fun trick or treating.

Sunday

I really slept.  Which is good because I needed it.  One of the worst things about being homeless is the lack of sleep.  You really only get about five or six hours a day.  That just isn't enough.

I tried to watch a rerun of that show The Five on Fox.  I don't know if the show just isn't good or I was just too tired, because I feel asleep before it was over.  But like I said I needed a really good night's sleep.  I am going to make myself more pasta today.  I even a little of the salad leftover.  I treated myself to some string beans and squash.  I can use the colander as a steamer.  So I am really looking forward to it.  I wished I had the tools to make turnips but I can't get to my storage unit.  Oh, well.  I am still getting a better meal than I have had in while.

Although I did find a restaurant that serves Miso soup for $1.50.  It is a good sized too.  I try to get as much vitamins as I can, but that is not always possible with a small amount of money I have to spend.

I am going to take a really long shower with the hottest water I can stand.  That is another issue of being homeless, you don't always get hot showers.  In many instances the water is luke warm.

Someone sent me a donation with a note attached that she is liberal, but wanted to help.  I never really thought  that liberals didn't want to help.  Although my experience has been that they feel I should be getting more help from the state.  Maybe, but it doesn't work that way in real life.

Saturday Part 2

Well I am all settled into the hotel that I am staying in this weekend.  It wasn't busy at all at work today.  Not good for the paycheck, but it did allow me to leave a little early so I could make myself a good dinner and get to sleep early.

I went to the grocery store earlier.  Boy, I have not bought chicken in a long time.  It has gotten very expensive.  I almost didn't buy it, but I figure I need the protein.  Although I eat nuts often.  Well, peanut butter.

I turned the heat up really high.  Higher than I ever would have done in the past.  I was pretty cold last night.  It really feels good to be warm and in a bed.  I am thinking I won't be up much longer.  A true sleep is hard for me to come by.

I hope everyone else sleeps as well tonight as I plan to.

Saturday

Well I did get some good news.  I will be staying at hotel for a few nights.  Someone is collecting money for me and it will pay for the rest of the weekend.  It is supposed to very cold tomorrow night or I guess later now.

It isn't supposed to be too bad tonight so  I will be alright.  My hat really does help.  It covers my entire head and ears.  It isn't very pretty, but I don't really care about fashion at the moment.

The hotel has a little kitchen in it so I can cook myself a decent meal for a change.  No oven, but still good enough.  I am going to make chicken and pasta and have a fresh salad.  I don't get to eat that too often.  I am worried about my car though.  It won't make it that far.  So I just have to hope it doesn't get towed.  Which has become the story of my life at the moment.

I am also going to sleep and watch sports center.  I have an appointment on Monday with a counselor.  The person who found this person for me said that she was told that she works miracles with people.  I was also given a number of some Pastor who may be able to help me too.  I have been told that both of these people are not just going to help me stay homeless but to transition back into a normal life.

I am hoping that things are starting to turn around for me.  I figure whatever sins I have committed I have paid for and I deserve a second chance to get my life back in order.

Well the only way to go to sleep when it is cold is to do it fast  before you realize how cold you really are.

Have a good night.

Thursday

I am still really tired.  I think I need one really good night sleep in a bed and until I get that I will remain like this.  It is supposed to get pretty cold this weekend.  So I am bracing myself for even less sleep than usual.

If you really wrap yourself up in blankets and have on the proper layers you can keep yourself warm for the most part.  It is just the exposed skin that will get really cold.  So basically it is just your face.  I got a hat that will cover my ears, so it will just be my nose that will get cold.

I am hoping that I will stay warm enough that I will still get about 6 hours of sleep regardless of temperature, but we will see how that goes.  I am not sure which night, but one is supposed to hover right around the freezing mark.

I will need to get anti-freeze for my car.  I have been using water to keep it filled up, but with the cold weather that won't be possible for much longer.  But that is going to be a very expensive proposition because it goes through it so quickly.  I am thinking I can mix it with water, at least for now.  Mechanics out there, let me know if I am right about that.

The shelter was not very nice, but it will be where I will have to go I guess.  Beggars can't be choosers, so it will have to do.  I think I found a place that I can store my car for not an exorbitant amount of money.  I am waiting to hear back if they have any more monthly passes available.  It is $110 per month.  Which is cheap for this area if the truth be known.  But a great deal of money to me.

I have started to be a little more open about my problems and have gotten some good suggestions from people.  So I am hoping that I can find a non profit that will be able to help me shortly.  It is just such a maze though.  You really just don't know who to turn to.

There is a big walkathon going on here next month sometime.  Most people will have no problem giving money to them, but won't give it to an actual homeless person.  I guess it is understandable since you don't want to give money to addicts, but in a sense you are anyway.  If you are going to give money to the homeless, you need to find an organization that works directly with the homeless and makes an effort to make them not homeless anymore.  Otherwise, you are just keeping them in the misery that they are living in.  While of course you want to give them food and shelter on cold nights, you are just keeping them homeless.  It doesn't change how they are living.

I was thinking to myself that I could to the occupy dc thing if I got really hungry one day, but I just read that they are not all that happy about helping the homeless either.  If I am not part of the 1% or part of the 99%, what part am I?  I guess that means I am a nobody.

Tuesday

I can't sleep.  I feel all spooked out where I am tonight.  The trees are giving these weird shadows and it is making me uneasy.  I have not felt this scared in a long time.  I think the stress of this is really getting to me.  My hair seems to be falling out at a much larger rate than seems normal.

I am still freaked out about that cop.  I am not sure why, as it was only a ticket.  But, he was so mean too me, that I am afraid of ending up on his radar.  Although, that is pretty arrogant of me.  I make it seem like he has nothing better to do than run after me.

I am really tired.  I didn't sleep well last night, and it doesn't look like tonight will be much better.  I am going to look at this shelter tomorrow and I am hoping it is OK.  Like I said, I am running out of options so it will have to do regardless.  There is a nice shelter but it is too far for me to get to and from work from there.  I also need to find out where I can park my car.  I am thinking that I may have to get some sort of monthly pass and park it in some garage, but that is just another expense that will keep me homeless longer.  But until I can get everything fixed so that it is more drivable than it is now, I can't only go so far.  The tire repairs and the ticket have thrown my budget into a tizzy.

Something that I have been meaning to bring up for a while now, and never do is bathroom etiquette.  People are pigs.  I am homeless and I leave the bathroom very neat, or as much as I possibly can.  Is flushing the toilet really that hard?  I mean c'mon now.  It takes you two seconds to reach over and press the button or press the lever.

I overheard this mother talking to her little girl the other day and she told her to use her foot to flush.  So now I have to worry about all the germs that she has on her shoes too?  You can't pick up an additional piece of toilet paper and flush that way?  That is what I do.  Just remember, people like me only have the option of a public restroom.  It doesn't take all that much to clean up after yourself.  If a homeless person can do it, so can you.

Saturday

My time is very limited, but I just needed to get this out of my system before I start work.  I am so upset.  Where I was sleeping told me that if they see me again they will call police.  So the walls are really starting to close in on me, and I honestly have no idea how I am going to fix it.

I have come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to go into a shelter.  Something that I really don't want to do.  But I  have completely run out of options.  I have never been questioned by police, let alone arrested and I plan on keeping it that way.

The really sad part is that everyone says we should do something about the homeless population, but when confronted by it, we just walk away.  Very few are willing to help them get out of being homeless.  Yeah, you will hand a few bucks, or give them a sandwich, and give old clothes to a charity, but when push comes to shove when you are confronted by it standing in front of you, most just walk away.  The man asked me if I was alright.  No, I am not alright, I am living in a car with little hope at this point that this will come to an end.

OK, I got that off my chest and now I must put a smile on my face and go to work.  Let's hope someone comes in and buys thousands of dollars worth of furniture today.  A girl can dream, right?

Thursday

God I am writing the wrong day in the title again.  I do that often.  It is hard for me to keep track of what day it is.  That bothers me.   But, on the upside, I have to tell myself that I always make it to work. 

I have realized how proud of myself I should be for working and getting there on time.  It is much harder to do then what some may think.  Like I said, you don't always remember what day it is.  The time seems to all blend together after a while. 

I am still working that other job where I am holding a sign to attract customers to the Halloween store.  It is better than nothing and it makes sure that I have enough food for the week. 

But, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have start doing things differently if this is going to change for me.  I can keep myself existing.  But, that is not what I want.  I want to get my life back on track. 

I have not quite figured out exactly what I am going to do yet, but I need to do that. 

I realized that sometimes I put things out there and then never go back to them.  So, let me tell you about the boy I met.  While he is really cute, he is also really judgemental.  There is no way he would want anything to do with anyone that is homeless, regardless of the reasons.  So I mentioned in passing that I had a boyfriend.  I know that I was right about him, but he hasn't spoken to me since then.  So I am better off without people like that in my life, even if I wasn't homeless. 

I have not seen creepy guy in quite a while.  That is a big relief.  But I am sure like a bad penny he will turn up again at some point. 

I will have enough to get two new tires tomorrow and then get my inspection sticker on my car updated.  So I can start driving short distances again.  That is relief.  Bringing your laundry on the bus is not the easiest of things to accomplish.  I still have not moved onto the next phase of repairs yet, so the disrepair won't allow me to drive too far.  But I am hoping to have that fixed by Christmas.  Unless of course something else unexpected comes up. 

I am sure there are others things that I have mentioned that I didn't let you in on the ending, but that is all that I can think of at the moment. 

I still have to pay that ticket, but I have one more pay period in which to do that with, so I am not going to leave myself short, so I will pay it with the paycheck after this one. 

I hope all is well with you all.  I am really tired tonight so I am going to try and get to sleep very early.  We'll see how that goes. 

Tuesday

I am having all kinds of trouble with my computer.  I don't know what is wrong.  Things won't open, it freezes up for no reason, I have to keep rebooting it.  The computer is old, maybe it is on it's last legs.  I don't have the money to get it repaired let alone a new one, so I can pray that it lasts until this nightmare is over.

I finally heard back from the one church I was waiting to hear back from.  But all they can offer is me is food and clothes.  I have money left over from my gift certificate for food that should last me until the end of the month if I am careful.  Also she told me that they could give me cereal and cookies.  Not to sound ungrateful, but cookies?  Is that what I am supposed to live on?  But this is what happens when you can't cook.  The food bank food is of no use to you. 

Well, they tried.  I told the woman that I would work in someone's yard to make money.  I don't care what I do, as long as I get paid.  Well, I should be more careful, there are things I won't do.  But I will do anything that is legal and moral. 

I am trying to watch the debate, but it won't load on my computer.  So I guess I will read about it tomorrow, as long as the computer doesn't completely die between now and then. 

Wow, I can't believe how well I slept last night.  I said I was really tired, and boy did I sleep last night.  I didn't wake up until almost 11 today.  I have not slept that late in my car since this has all started.  I knew I needed it, but normally I just can't sleep that late.  So I feel better today. 

I hope you all have a good night. 

Monday

I am so tired today.  I am not sure why.  But I can barely keep my eyes open.  It is hard when I feel like this.  There is no place to take a nap.  So I have just keep myself awake until it is time to go to sleep.  I also can't go to sleep to early either, or I wake up too early and then have no where to go.  This is one of the many annoying things about my situation. 

I have had more conversations with groups that are supposed to help the homeless.  But it is the same old story.  They give you a different phone number to call, or tell you that they have names and addresses of shelters.  But again, no real help to get you out of homelessness.  Just more ways to survive your circumstances. 

This is probably another reason that so many stay homeless.  The fact that you can't find someone to help just makes you feel so hopeless that you just acclimate it becomes your permanent way of life.  I had read somewhere that once someone is homeless for more than six months, it becomes highly unlikely they will get out of it.  I don't remember the exact percentage.  But I am already passed that threshold.  So the likelihood is that I will remain this way.  That is weighing on me.  I am starting to feel very desperate again.  The way I did when this first happened.  I really don't know who to turn to. 

I have figured out that calling these numbers is useless.  You just leave messages that never get returned.  I have start showing up and keep showing up until someone talks to me.  I have to become pushy, even though that has made me uncomfortable in the past.  I am normally a more passive person who doesn't like rocking the boat all that much.  But, that is something that I must change if I truly want to get out of this. 

I am lucky because of the Indian summer type weather we are having.  It should be very seasonably warm at night until Friday.  Then it is going into the 40's.  That is chilly, but bearable with the right clothes.  Two pairs of socks, my mid weight coat, and three blankets and I will be toasty warm as long as no skin is showing.  It is when you expose bare skin that you get cold.  My nose will be a little cold, but outside of that I will be OK.  That is the coldest it has been since this has happened to me.  No, wait it was 39 one of my first nights in the car.  And, I didn't have the right supplies so I was very cold.  But, back then I was sleeping more than three hours a night.  I spent most of time driving around.  That was before I realized how much money I wasted in that gas that way. 

I have gotten better at this whole thing.  One of the women I spoke to on the phone today said that you learn to cope and it sounds like that is what I have done.  I guess I have.  I am not sure if that is good thing or not, though.  The more acclimated you become to something the less likely you are to change it, right?  I would think so. 

I also found out something strange.  For that project hypothermia I mentioned before, they don't heat the churches.  How exactly is that different than sleeping in my car?  I am thinking at least with my car, I can turn the heat on if I get really cold.  Obviously I can't run the car all night, but I can warm myself up, or get to an all night restaurant.  I guess when you don't have a car, it is better than nothing.  But, it seems very strange to me. 

Have a good night all.

Friday

Today was a very uneventful day.  I have been looking for the young kid that I believe to be homeless.  I have been worried about him and his seeming lack of clothes.  I wonder if he is escaping an abusive home or something.  But, I can't find him.  Since I picked up my clothes I realize that I have a few things that would more than likely fit him. 

I also found these sweatpants on sale at Old Navy for $4.  I can swing $4 to get this kid something warmer to wear.  It is getting cold.  The Indian Summer seems to be coming to a close.  He is going to need something and soon. 

Maybe he has found a shelter to go to or maybe he made up with his parents.  I don't know.  I also have not seen the older woman who has the cleaning fetish lately either.  That kind of worries me.  I wonder if something happened to her. 

The woman who helped me get my winter clothes seems to be getting her life back on track.  A friend of hers has given her some paying work and she is staying at her home temporarily.  If you remember, I told that she has been homeless since January.  So she already has been through one winter.  I am glad for her.  I am hoping that I will be next. 

I have a good feeling about the people I met from that church last night. 

I heard back from that lady at the state again.  I told her that I am not looking for government programs because all they do is give you necessities, they do nothing to get out of being homeless.  I wanted non profits.  So she gives me this other phone number and tells me that they will probably just refer me back to the same people I spoke to yesterday.  It is so frustrating.  What exactly is the point of them saying that they are helping people?  They are not.  They give you some not very nutritious food, some old clothing, and a not safe place to sleep.  This doesn't help people.  You are just surviving.  I don't want to just survive and stay homeless.  I want to get my life back on track. 

Anyway, it is chilly tonight.  So I am going to try and get to sleep before it gets too cold and then I can't. 

Have a good night all.

Thursday

Today started out as another not so great day.  It has been raining for several days now.  That is always hard because you have to keep the windows closed and it gets stuffy.  I am feeling very tired and that always gets me down.  I am obsessed about the ticket that I received and the cop that pulled me over.  So all of this has been weighing on me.

I also talked to another agency today and they were less than helpful.  Matter of fact all they did was give me the phone number of the shelter I already stayed at where I was almost robbed.  I told them that I would not go back there. 

I was sitting outside during one of the breaks from the rain and three people came up to me and wanted to ask me some questions.  They are from a bible church that I have been trying to get to.  It is not on a bus route and too far to walk.  They were very helpful.  One of the men gave me a phone number of a shelter and crisis center and told me that they find ways to get through almost any problem and really help people.  He also told me that I will not be robbed if I stay there.  I also can go there on Thanksgiving Day.  That was another thing that was starting to weigh on me, wondering where I would spend the day, since virtually everything is closed that day.  I was hoping to have enough money to stay in that flee bag motel for the day, but that would require a two day stay really.  Not something that is really in my budget.  So maybe I can just stay there after having a meal at the shelter. 

But the three people I met today were very nice and gave me some useful information, they also gave me a pocket bible.  I have come to the conclusion that it is a total waste of time even attempting to contact any state or government agency.  They have zero interest in really helping me get out of being homeless, they are only interested in finding a place to warehouse me, like jail almost.  Any help that I receive is going to have to be from the faith based groups around the area.  Not that I want to minimize the people who have helped me through this blog.  Many have helped.  Thanks to all that have.  I don't think I say that often enough. 

They also gave me some money, which was a good thing because I had no cash and not enough money left on my bus ticket to get back to my car.  My car didn't pass the inspection as I expected it would.  I have to get two new tires, which I of course can't afford.  I am afraid to drive it because of that cop.  So I am back to the bus full time again for the time being.  I have enough for one tire, and I am hopeful that I can get enough together to get that taken care with my next paycheck next week.  My sales this week so far have not been great, but I have that extra day, and I also have at least two more extra shifts over the next few weeks.  So that should help out with the tires. 

Like I said, every time I feel like I am getting somewhere, something else happens.  I guess that is just life.  Or least my life.  But I have my phone paid for the balance of the month and there is enough money in my account to pay for my storage unit.  Those are both important to me.  I am very afraid to be without a phone while sleeping in my car.  I don't want to lose what few possessions I have left in my storage unit.  Especially since I have things from my mom and dad in there.  They are not valuable in a monetary sense, but they are priceless to me. 

Have a good night all. 

Tuesday

Yea, I have my fall and winter clothes.  That is a big relief.  I am so grateful that hurdle has been taken care of.  It is still unseasonably warm, but that is not going to last much longer I am sure. 

I also finally heard back from two of the non profits I contacted and have set up appointments for next week.  One of them gives no interest loans that you have up to year to pay back.  So that should get me some sort of housing with a roommate situation, at least I hope.  I have been waiting to hear back from them for quite a while now.  The process just moves so slowly that it gets very frustrating, to the point that you feel like giving up. 

I also heard about a church that will help with car repairs.  So if I can get my car fully repaired that would be another great help.  I am going to look into that on my next day off. 

Today is one of those days that makes me feel hopeful that this will be over with before the dead of winter sets in. 

I also have not seen creepy guy in quite a while, so that is another relief.  I was able to have a good meal today with a gift card that I won at work.  Salad and meat.  Wow, I have not had both those things at the same meal in like a year or so. 

So all and all today has been a very good day.  I get so few of them, that I am very thankful when they come. 

I hope that your day has gone as well as mine did today.

Sunday

I have been forced into finding a new place to sleep.  It actually is not so bad.  I didn't sleep so well the first night, but now I am ok.  I still have a place to use the ladies room so I will be ok.  But it was necessary.  The place where I was sleeping contacted the police.  That explains how I got pulled over earlier this week.  After thinking about it, there was no way that the cop could have seen the sticker on my car from where he was and where I was.  We were on opposite sides of the intersection. 

Anyway - I will get through this as well.  It just makes taking the bus to work a longer ride.  But I still have some things within walking distance.  I am even closer to a dry cleaner, and many of my fall and winter clothes are dry clean only.  I never thought about the cost of dry cleaning in my former life.  I just bought nice lined wool pants that I would wear with cashmere sweaters.  None of which will survive a laundromat.  I will need to be careful, because that is an added expense I can't really afford. 

The weather has been delightful this week.  Warm and sunny during the day and cooler at night.  It is going to stay this way all week.  Which is good for sleeping for me.  I have figured out how to keep myself warmer on colder nights though.  Layering thinner layers works much better.  Sleeping with a lot on is harder to do.  I also make sure that everything is fully covered.  Tuck in all shirts and put your pant legs into your socks.  If you don't have too much skin showing it just easier to stay warm.  I have only really been cold one night.  And that was before I bought another blanket and a mid weight coat.  The only thing that was really cold was my nose.  Like I said that was only one night. 

I have a lead on a job.  I am going to call the lady on Tuesday, so wish me luck on that. 

I am picking up my heavier clothes on Tuesday afternoon as well. 

I also heard back from one lady who was going to give me a good sale.  She originally told me she would be back in September and then never showed.  She called again on my day off last week and said something about moving and would be in to place the order.  She wants it delivered before Thanksgiving so she will need to place the order this week.  I also have another woman who told me she would be back on Wednesday and never came in.  She actually did come in and my co-worker, who is a snake of the highest order, told her she didn't know when I would be there.  My schedule never changes, I was due in twenty minutes later.  Plus she never told me that she was there.  Like I said, a snake.  All the managers know she is untrustworthy, but they don't do anything about it, because her sales are good.  Her sales are good because she lies to people.  She tried to steal a sale from me last week, I knew it was going to happen, so I went in on my day off to check the sales and sure enough she did.  I transferred the sale back to myself and told the manager.  She approved the change.  It was over a hundred dollars in commission.  Her husband has been out of work for close to two years or something, but she at least has a roof over her head.  I bet you anything she is taking government assistance, because there is no way she can support her family of four on her salary.  She isn't going to take my money without a fight. 

I am still picking up some extra shifts.  I also am doing this weird job of holding a sign at a busy intersection.  They pay me $25 for three hours.  It is boring, but every little bit helps.  But honestly, what else do I have to do? 

I am going to go and find the man who gave me money every week and thank him.  He is the only person there who didn't treat me like I was invisible.  We never really spoke, but he tried to help me.  And the money he gave me did help.  A few times that was all I had for the last few days before I got paid.  Most of the time I put it in the bank, but I have had to use it a few times for emergency flee bag motel stays while I was sick and during the hurricane. 

Have a good night all. 

Thursday Part 2

I finally found the jobs report for September.  Not good news again.  Matter of fact, very bad news.  Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do.  It is compounded by the fact that the cold weather will be here very soon. 

I did get to speak to the person who said she would help me get me clothes, but she is in a bad way at the moment.  Her unemployment will be gone soon, if not already gone.  That was the only source of income she had.  Now, she has nothing.  She has a friend who gives her work when she can, but I don't think it is all that much.  She has pay for food, gas, her car insurance, and other things too. 

That young man I kept seeing is really homeless, I saw him in the middle of night just walking around with just his t-shirt and shorts on.  While it is not too bad during the day, you need something heavier in the night.  I also noticed that this one man who I see sleeping all the time is a maintenance man, but I guess he isn't making enough to make ends meet either.  He is another who has a job, but just can't pay the bills.  I don't know his whole story, but it seems he is just like me.

It is amazing that this is happening in America.  People are losing everything that they have to this recession.  Desperation is setting in more and more.  It is too bad that the people in those protests in NY are really working for a different cause.  Because I would join in (in spirit) if I thought they were trying to help people like me.  I read their list of demands.  Downright comical is what they are.  No business could survive if they had to pay every employee $20/hour.  The prices of everything would triple. 

We need to stop the nonsense and find a way to spur this economy again.  People like me are only going to grow in numbers.  I know, I am at the front lines and I see it.  I see more and more people joining me in the all night restaurants for a lack of anywhere better to go. 

I still have not heard back from the three different homeless groups that I have contacted.  I saw some things on line for interest free loans from organizations to help tide you over.  I only really need $1,500 and I would find my way out of this, but no one has returned my call. 

I have another extra shift at work next week, so that helps a bit.  My paycheck is a good size this time around, but it is going to get sucked up with that ticket I got.  So I am right back to where I started.  On the outside looking in.

Thursday

The person that is supposed to take me to get my winter clothes has been MIA.  So I don't know what I am going to do about that.  I will have to come up with a solution soon, though.  The weather has warmed up a bit, but that is not going to last much longer. 

I also got pulled over the other day.  My inspection sticker expired.  I am going to get it done tomorrow, but I just didn't have the money to have it done any earlier.  So now I have to almost a $100 fine by mid November.  Every single time I think I am making some progress something else comes along and takes what little money I have managed to save up. 

So I can forget about the additional car repairs for a while.  The cop was really nasty too.  It is obvious by looking at my car that I am homeless.  He asked me and I said that I was.  I realize that he is just doing his job, and I don't have an issue with him pulling me over.  But he didn't need to be so nasty.  He told me that if he caught me loitering he would have me arrested. Where exactly he thinks that I am supposed to go is something that I don't understand. 

Oh, well, there is nothing that I can do about it now.  I am going to stay put today and have the inspection done tomorrow.  The problems with car are not something that is part of the inspection so it should pass and I will be fine. But I am thinking I have to find some new areas to stay in.  I don't like the idea that some cop is looking around for me.  I am just a person trying to survive the best that I can under the circumstances that I am in. 

Well I am going to try and get something to eat.  I am very hungry today.  I didn't have much yesterday so I am even more hungry than usual. 

Have a good day all.

Tuesday

Well I had to work tonight or last night now.  I had a cancellation while I was off on Sunday, so today made up for the what I lost.  So I will start of my normal work week without being in the negative.  So that is good.  I have not been able to find the new jobs report, maybe it has not been released yet.  Not that it really makes a big difference, but I do like to keep track of that stuff. 

I start that temporary job later this week too.  So I will have some extra money.  Which is good as I don't have much left for food since I won't be getting those gift cards anymore.  So I will need to be even more careful what I spend on food.  But like I have said in the past I survived on virtually nothing for a few weeks over the summer and made it work. 

I was not able to pick up my sweaters from the dry cleaner today, but I will do that tomorrow.  I also will be getting all my winter clothes on Thursday.  It is not going to be as cold tonight as it was last night.  But all and all I have not really been too cold.  One night a week or so ago I was really cold.  But, I have bought myself one more blanket and that has helped.  I also have a heavier coat now too. 

The weather is supposed to warm up and be sunny for the rest of the week.  It is only supposed to be in the 50's after tonight.  That is doable.  There is a program that they do here in the winter called project hypothermia.  So on really cold nights I will have a place to go.  I was hoping this would be over by Thanksgiving, but it doesn't look like it will be. 

Although I talked with a man tonight who is buying a very large new home and has no furniture at all.  He is recently divorced I guess.  So that will be a good sale if he comes back.  He needs an entire house full.  So if I get a few more of those I will be in business.  But, I will be honest they don't come along all that often.  But I can dream, right?

Have a good morning all. 

Sunday

I have found three more homeless people.  Or at least people that I think are homeless.  One is very sad, he is really young.  He looks like he is still a teenager.  He doesn't have the proper clothes for the weather either.  I saw him asleep last night and he had his arms inside his very light weight t shirt.  I saw him again tonight and he was wearing a sweatshirt, but still hand on shorts and no coat.  It is cold and damp out and it is supposed to rain for the next three days or so. 

I have mentioned before that I don't know if it is becoming more prevalent or I am just noticing it more since I am in the same position.  I also came across this Asian woman, who seems so prim and proper.  But she is at this place every night.  Sitting with one cup of tea trying to keep herself awake.  She is middle aged, so you would think she would have some kids that could help her.  But who knows. 

I was glad to see that boy had a sweatshirt.  I was thinking I would have sweatshirts that could fit him once I pick up my heavier clothes.  Which I am going to do on Thursday.  I have enough with me that I will be OK.  I remembered that I had some things that I never got dry cleaned last year that were in the car.  I had four sweaters in there, two of which are cashmere.  Cashmere is very warm.  I normally only wear it in the dead of winter.  But I took them to the dry cleaner today so I will pick them up on Monday.  The other two sweaters are semi heavy, but will work until I get my heavier clothes.  My issue now is pants.  All the pants I have are lightweight for the summer.  But, I will have to make due.  I was able to get a medium weight coat for very inexpensively.  It has a fleece lining and I only paid $30 for it.  The woman who rung it up did it incorrectly.  I even asked her if that was correct, and she said it was.  When I looked at the receipt later, I noticed she gave me the coupon twice.  I suppose I should go back to the store and tell them, but I figure I did question it at the time. 

I also went to a different place to sleep the other night when I wasn't feeling well and there was another person sleeping in their car too.  See I have recently run into this issue of this young couple who are having sex in their car where I was sleeping before.  I really don't want to see that.  Porn movies have never held any interest for me, and I don't think a live show is any better.  I just don't get doing something like that in such a public place.  This is an area that has office buildings around, why would they pick a parking lot that people are going in and out of all the time instead of a more private location?  Maybe they want people to watch.  Who knows? 

I had a really good day at work today that will make up for all the days I missed earlier this week.  I sold as much as I normally do in an entire week.  I also looked up the sales for the days I was out, and I didn't miss anything.  I also had two messages from people who called to see when I was going to be back.  Both said they would come in when I am working again next week.  One sale isn't big, but the other is a good sized order.  So my paychecks are slowly becoming larger again. 

The car is still in disrepair, but it is better than it was.  So I am slowly getting that taken care of.  I have had no luck on the job front, but then again I have not done anything about that this week.  I barely could do anything all week.  I slept most of the time when I wasn't running to the bathroom.  I hydrated myself really well today and I am feeling better.  The massive headache I had for five days is almost gone.  Now that I can hold things down again I took some prescription Motrin that I had left over from a minor surgery I had a year ago.  I realize I should throw it away by now, but I kept for it emergencies, and I am very glad that I did. 

Even though I don't like the situation I am in, I do realize that I am much better off than some.  I, at least, have some protection from the elements.  I have some good blankets, a fleece lined coat and I also bought myself some heavier socks today.  For some reason they were on clearance so I got three pairs for $5.  The colors are not something I would normally buy, but hey, I am not going to complain.  All the other socks I have with me are just peds so I needed something heavier. 

Well I guess I bored you enough, so have a good night.