Wednesday, June 27, 2012


So sorry that I have been gone so long.  It was not intentional.  Someone decided to steal my laptop.  One of my biggest fears.

Some people from this church that I sometimes go to heard about what happened and someone gave me one.  So that it is why I have been MIA.

It was a very upsetting experience.  It was stolen by someone at the homeless day center.  I don't have much more than any of these other people.  In some cases I have less.

The worst part is that the bag I had the laptop in was found in a room that I never go in.  A room that almost always has someone in it.  Which means that someone knows who did it and said nothing.  This person who is always in there isn't homeless.  She is some sort of religious advisor or something.

Needless to say I have been barely back since that time.  It has really slowed down my job search. I was given a bunch of books by someone to help pass the time, but there really is only so much reading you can do in a day.

But to get back to the day center, I have come to realize that these places hurt more than they help.  My laptop being stolen being a perfect example.  The person who runs the place just kept saying that just give it back, no questions asked.  What do you mean no questions asked?  Why would you not want to press charges or at the very least ban the person for life?  I would like to know how they think they are helping people?

I have needed the services that this place provides.  Some days more than others.  But, I also know that I am better off on my own.  There are people that go that are not even homeless.  They go there and take all the free food that they can get.  They take all the used clothes and shoes that are dropped off that they can get.  There is this one lady that will take every huge amounts of cold cut sandwiches (which are given away rarely) and load them up in her car.  Now, if you are homeless you can't take supplies of perishable foods.  You have no way to keep them cold.  Coolers don't work on a long term basis.  You also will spend a fortune on ice.  As soon as she is done eating she leaves.  I don't know her story, but it seems to me that she is far better off than many and shouldn't be behaving the way she does.

There is one guy who I overhead talking and he was saying that he was found passed out drunk on the side of the road at 7 am.  He woke up in the hospital at 8 pm.  Want to hear his solution to that problem?  Don't drink anything that doesn't have a color to it from that day forward.  How is his life going to get better if they provide the bare necessities to him?  The answer is it won't.  He seems to find places to sleep most nights.  I guess he is couch surfer.  He gets most of his food for free.  He works just enough hours to pay for drink and takes charity for everything else.

He is the part of the problem with people helping.  Why would you want to help someone like that?  I sure wouldn't.

So I have just decided that being on my own is my best option.  As I said I need that place for certain things.  But for the most part I stay away.  I also don't talk to anyone when I am there.  I go in, do what I need to do, and leave.  What really was the most upsetting to me is the fact that I helped people out there.  Two different people needed their cars towed and I took care of that with my AAA membership.  I figured I paid for it, so why not get the use from it.  I never asked for anything in return.  People there knew I did that.

Boy, the heat is on.  It is going to be very hard to sleep starting tomorrow night.  Oh well.  I will do what I can.

Thanks to the people who sent me emails inquiring about me.  I had very limited access to the computer so I used it to do some job hunting.  I hope that I have since answered everyone.  If not, I apologize.

I have several second interviews, so I really do think it is getting closer.  Sooner or later something will come up.  I have no where to go but up.

Saturday, June 2, 2012


I have had a busy week.  I have had several job interviews.  Two went well, very well.  I feel that I can be hopeful this time.

I applied for unemployment.  I didn't realize I wouldn't get paid for one week.  Oh well.  There is nothing that I can do.  The last time I was laid off I was given a severance and I found a new job before that ran out.  So I never filed for unemployment.

The process seems very drawn out.  You have to get two different notifications from them.  What a waste of time and resources.  Money for that matter as well.

I several other appointments next week.

Since I am not working I try to stay as busy as I can.  All that time to fill is very hard.  I only sleep about six hours at night.  I just can't seem to get more than that in my car.  I guess I am not that comfortable sleeping all curled up like that.

I have been eating well though.  Well, not healthy really, but enough to be full.  I am not falling asleep hungry most nights.  Sometimes I still do, but not as often.

I do need to be careful with my very limited resources now.  Especially since I won't be getting paid for this week.

Like I have said many times, you become obsessed about how much money you have.  That is one of the first things you think about in the morning and it is usually is the thing you are thinking about when you go to sleep.

See, this is part of what people don't get about homelessness.  Your daily survival becomes your life.  Where will you get food?  Where you will use the ladies room? Is where your sleeping safe?  Do you have money for transportation?  Are the police going to hassle you today?  Will you get thrown out of the library or mall?  Is there a different church you can speak to about getting assistance?

You are so worried about today that looking at tomorrow becomes hard.  Not impossible, but difficult.  You also are fighting the boredom and the lack of stimulation.  That is really one of the hardest things.  You feel so isolated from the rest of the world.

Another thing that I can't stand is always having a bra on.  You have no idea how much I just want to take this thing off and burn it.  I of course can't do that.  But if you need to get out of your car in the middle of the night you can't be running around hanging out all over the place.  So you just leave it on.  At least I do.  I guess I can't speak for other homeless women.  I am not sure what they do and I have never asked any of the other women I know.

My vet friend is doing ok.  Although I am not seeing him as much as I have in the past.  I guess he has found other resources or places to go.  I worry about him.  He will always be homeless.  His mental illness will never allow him to live a normal life.  I guess he has accepted that and does what he does and is ok.  But it still breaks my heart.

I see other homeless that have self imposed problems.  They drink too much or whatever else that they do.  Them I don't feel sorry for, they have done it to themselves.  If being homeless isn't hitting rock bottom then will they ever find it to get sober?  I doubt it.  They also make it very hard for people like me to get help.

Why would you want to give money for someone else to get drunk or high?  I wouldn't want to do that either.  But not all homeless are homeless for that reason.  Some are just down on their luck and want to get back on track.  They just need some help or maybe just some time and they will figure it out for themselves.  They deserve to get some help or have resources available to them.  But you will find many, many doors shut in your face.

I have found a new church to go to.  I think it will be good.  I like my church, but I just feel it is time for a change.  Maybe I just need some spice in my life for a change and this is how I am getting it.

Homelessness is very lonely.  So many people don't want to talk to you if they know you are homeless.

Well somebody gave me coupon for a free smoothie.  Those are things that I can't normally afford so I am going to take advantage of it and savor every drop.  Bing Cherry smoothie, here I come.

Have a good night all.