Monday, April 30, 2012


I had an appointment with someone last week that I thought may be to give me some help, but they were not able to.  They told that they really only help people who about to become homeless.  Again I was just given a name of another group of people to talk to.  It is this constant circle that just drives me crazy.  This one can only help with one thing, they can only help with something else.  So basically no one really helps with I need.

The place I shower at is having plumbing issues and I was unable to take a shower today.  I feel awful and just need to stand under some hot water for a little while.  

I hope it will be fixed tomorrow.  I really need to take a shower.

I still feeling very down at the moment.  I want to snap out of it, but I am not quite there yet.  I was really hoping that this was my last night of being homeless.

Thursday, April 26, 2012


I have really worked myself into a funk.  But I think I cured myself from it because of a man I met last night.  I was minding my own business as I usually do and he started speaking to me.  He asked me what I was doing online, which I didn't think was any of his business.  He then told me he was working on something for a court date.

I said that I didn't know anything about those things since I am not a lawyer.  He told me that he isn't either; he is a bum.  That is a quote.  He told me that he panhandles and the police hassle him and give him tickets.  He didn't smell that I noticed, but his clothes were torn and in bad shape.  But he did a pretty nice computer; much nicer than mine.  It looked relatively new too.

I had half a mind to go off on him, but I didn't.  I didn't want to cause a scene.  But he is the reason that people don't want to help the people like me who are truly looking to rebuild our lives.  He has no intention of being anything other than a panhandler.  He doesn't want to improve his life.  For whatever reason he has decided that this is calling or something.

I shouldn't judge to harshly because I don't know the full story.  He may have a mental illness or something, but he seemed like a normal guy.  You can usually tell about the mentally ill ones pretty much off the bat.  You only need about 5 to 10 minutes and it shows up.  Probably because they don't take any meds and are in full blown whatever it may happen to be for them.

Sad, really sad.  I would never refer to myself as a bum.  I feel like one sometimes.  I currently am feeling like a lowlife loser, but that is just the disappointment of this not being over next week.

So I got back into my routine off looking for jobs online and put my makeup on even when I don't have to go to work.  For some reason that makes me feel more normal.  I have an appointment to speak to a counselor at a charity group tomorrow.  They won't be able to help with all my needs, but I think they can give me some good advice.

I am a little low on cash at the moment because I took that money I saved and paid my bills.  I was getting a little behind while I tried to get the money together to move so I neglected some of my bills.  I have those paid now, so that is one weight off my shoulders.  One less thing for me to stress about.

One of my issues now are these constant swings in the weather.  One day hot, the next day colder.  Very hard for person like me to adjust to that.  I also need to go get my summer clothes.  So that will be a nightmare, but I will figure it out.

I am even thinking of getting a haircut.  I have not had one in so long and it is something that I just can't justify spending money on.  I am always so worried about how much I have.  Obsessed is the better term.

Sunday, April 22, 2012


Sorry I have been gone so long.  But I have been very depressed.  Remember when I said I needed to cry it out?  Well that is what I have been doing.  Almost non stop or at least it feels that way.  Things have not been going well.  The person who rents that room won't let me move in.  I told the truth, I guess that wasn't a good idea.

I offered two months rent in advance, but she still said no.  I can't what I would do in the same instance had I never had this experience.  Maybe I would do the same thing.

But how exactly am I supposed to get my life back together if no one is willing to give me a chance?  I had the money to pay her.  I can't find much else that would have been affordable as this place.  The others one that are  don't happen to be accessible to mass transit.  With my continuing car issues I need to be on a bus line.

Anyway, that is why I have not written in a while.  I am feeling like a loser and pretty hopeless.  I guess this is kind of the same thing of looking for your first job.  No one hires you because you lack experience.

I need to get over it and get on with it. This is my reality and I have to deal with it.

Saturday, April 14, 2012


I got to work earlier than expected.  Mainly because I was woken up earlier than normal today.  Some passersby having an interest in the homeless one.  Gawking is what it really is.

People may think that I am not embarrassed by my life.  I am in ways that I can't possibly express.  I think that people don't get that.  For you to get to the point where you are no longer embarrassed or feel shame you have to had fallen pretty far.

In some ways I give credit to the people who panhandle.  I have done it a few times, out of sheer desperation.  But it is a very difficult thing to do.  If you don't believe me, try it.  Stand up on a local street corner with a sign asking for money.  The fear that someone you know will drive by is almost paralyzing.  The looks of disgust that so many give fills you with shame.  To wash away all those feelings is a hard thing to do.

I guess at some point once you get past it initially it doesn't matter anymore.  I just wonder what it takes to get there.  I am no where near that point.  Going to the churches for help is hard enough.  Talking to people about my situation is also very hard.  I do it.  But I don't like it.

Monday, April 9, 2012


I survived Easter.  I didn't do much beyond going to church yesterday.  Someone was nice enough to help me with a hotel room for the evening.  Which was good since so little was open yesterday and I was very limited to where I go to use a ladies room.  So thanks so much for that.

I slept very well being in a bed for a change.  I feel like I can sleep for days when I have this type of privacy and am laying down flat.  But the best part is being braless.  It may sound strange, but it really is.  Try wearing a bra 24 hours a day for just a week and you will see what I mean.

I came across this article on homelessness and veterans.  Apparently most of them are women.  I know that most of the homeless people that I have met are women.  Many of which are recently divorced.  The homeless vets that I have met have all been men.  Two of which were discharged because they had mental problems.  I talked about the homeless vet before I am sure.  He seems like a very nice man, but he has paranoid delusions and thinks the government is trying to poison him so he won't take his medication.  Of course without his medications his life will never improve.

The article talks about the lack of available housing for homeless vets.  But there is a lack of housing for all homeless.  I realize that many people think that most homeless people are just bums who brought their life upon themselves.  That is true for some, but certainly not all.  What available help that there is will go to parents with small children.  Which of course it should.

Oh, the woman with the two small kids called me yesterday to wish me a happy Easter.  She got a hold of a relative that lives in another part of the country and she is going to live with them, at least for a while.  I am happy for her and her kids.  She feels bad taking them out of their school in the middle of the year, but it has to be better than living in a shelter.  She is taking the bus in the next few days after she gets the money he sent her to get the tickets.  She sounded much calmer when I talked to her yesterday.  I am glad that I was able to help her while she was figuring out what to do next.

That is one of the issues with being homeless.  Especially in the beginning you are so overwhelmed with the fact that you no longer have a place to live that you are not really thinking clearly.  It happens so much faster than you think.  Even if you know it could happen you still keeping hoping that some miracle is going to happen and you won't end up that way.  I know with me, I was able to stave it off for much longer than what I really should have.  But in the end it happened anyway.  The first two months or so I was so depressed I could barely function.  But you adjust.  One of the people at the emergency number I spoke to told me that I have acclimated to my situation.  Which I have in many ways.  You don't really have a choice.  You adjust to your surroundings and deal with your reality.

I still go through bouts of depression.  I am in one now I think.  I feel like crying all the time.  I don't because I don't have the privacy to do it.  But the feeling is there.  I know I should cry it out.  I think it would help me get it all out.  When I was going to the gym everyday I could get it out with a good workout.  But the gift card I had gotten for the membership ran out and I can't spend my money that way.

I have run into another homeless person I starting seeing when I first became homeless.  I had thought he had found his way back to permanent housing.  But not so.  I don't know where he has been for the months that I didn't see him.

The good news being I have not seen creepy guy in a very long time.  For that I am very grateful.

I still have some damage on the skin on my feet.  I guess that is going to be permanent.  It is on the bottom of my feet so it won't be that noticeable and it doesn't hurt anymore.  The stuff on the top of my feet has healed.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


I have more or less figured out what I am going to do for Easter.  I have a few options, but not many since most businesses are closed.  In a perfect world I would get a hotel room for two nights, but that is not in the budget.  I really don't even want to spend the money for one night.  But I just don't see how I have a choice to do it for Sunday night.

It will be very nice to sleep in a bed, take a long hot bath, watch sports center, sleep, sleep, and sleep.  Oh, and not have a bra on.  Life will be good for about 18 hours.

My job interview went OK I think.  I hope so anyway.  There was not much in the way of ads this week, but with the holiday and spring break for school kids I guess that is understandable.  I am hoping there will be plenty to choose from on Monday.

This week wasn't so bad at work.  Not great, but better than it has been in a few weeks.  Many people took time off this week because the kids were out of school.  So we at least had traffic.  Someone is supposed to come tomorrow and finalize a purchase.  They don't always show.  It is strange it is almost always the ones you expect to never come back that do, and those you do expect don't.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


I do a lot of people watching.  Not so much because I want to, but I am out in public all the time and it passes the time.

I have seen people out on first or second dates on occasion.  The other night this guy was explained to his date that sexuality is not black or white.  What was most fascinating was that she didn't get up and run away.  I would have.  I almost wanted to follow behind them to see if they left in the same car or not.  But I couldn't be bothered.

I don't know why I felt the need to share that, but it just struck me.

Work wasn't great yesterday.  I had a few sales, but not very many.

It won't be a good paycheck.  But so few of them are these days.  I just hope that I have enough money to pay my bills that are due and to get a place to stay over Easter.  I will need a bathroom.  Not enough businesses will be open for me to have a place to go for the day.

I am trying not to feel to stressed about it.  But these are the type of things that gnaw at me until I give myself tension headaches.

I am going to read and try and take a nap.