How it Ends

This will be my last post.  I am going to be OK.  I finally have a good job and will be moving back into my apartment in a few months.  I have found a temporary place to stay in the meantime.

I am sorry it has taken me so long to write this, but I have been sleeping a great deal and trying to acclimate back into a normal life.  It would seem that would be easy, but it isn't for some reason.

But anyway.  I have my life back on track and will be getting on with it.

I want to say a very heartfelt thank you to all that have read, and all that have sent me messages, prayed, helped out financially, and all the rest.

This blog really helped me keep my sanity.  The people who responded positively also helped in that regard in ways that I can't possibly express.

To Christopher, Jennifer, Matthew, Susan, I couldn't have gotten through this without your support.  Your emails to me meant so much.

A very special thank you to man named Willy, who watched out for me and always made sure I had food to eat.  Because of you I didn't give up, not only on myself but on humanity.  You kept me sane when it would have been so easy to fall into a darkness that I may not have recovered from.

I will never be the same after this experience, I hope it is for the better.

I will never forgot the people who helped and cared enough to read this.  I hope that I helped people see that homelessness isn't just about the people you see on the side of the road begging for money.  They are just a small fraction, the homeless population goes virtually unnoticed because they have jobs, they have cars, but they have fallen on hard times.

Again, I can't thank you enough for what you have done for me.

Tara

Saturday

The heat has been unbearable.  It has not helped matters any that much of the area was without electricity for days on end.  Many businesses were out for several days.  I am sure that will be a difficult thing for their bottom lines.

I did find a church that took mercy on me and let me stay there for a few nights when I really had no other place to go.  So that helped.  They didn't keep the air on all night, but it was still better than being without a place to go.

I think everything is back to normal now.  It is hard for me to tell, but where I am, everything is back.  I had read online that some people are still out more than a week later.

All this has really put a dent into my job search, but I found a few good things yesterday to send out to.  I do these work out, because people don't really hire in this area in August, at least historically.

I will try and do better about updating this more often, but with the stolen laptop and the storm that knocked out power for days, it has not been easy.

I hope that is all is well.  Stay cool everyone.  I saw the weather report, we are supposed to get some cooler (only 80) weather early next week.  Only a few more nights of this oppressive heat.  Thank god for that.

Wednesday

So sorry that I have been gone so long.  It was not intentional.  Someone decided to steal my laptop.  One of my biggest fears.

Some people from this church that I sometimes go to heard about what happened and someone gave me one.  So that it is why I have been MIA.

It was a very upsetting experience.  It was stolen by someone at the homeless day center.  I don't have much more than any of these other people.  In some cases I have less.

The worst part is that the bag I had the laptop in was found in a room that I never go in.  A room that almost always has someone in it.  Which means that someone knows who did it and said nothing.  This person who is always in there isn't homeless.  She is some sort of religious advisor or something.

Needless to say I have been barely back since that time.  It has really slowed down my job search. I was given a bunch of books by someone to help pass the time, but there really is only so much reading you can do in a day.

But to get back to the day center, I have come to realize that these places hurt more than they help.  My laptop being stolen being a perfect example.  The person who runs the place just kept saying that just give it back, no questions asked.  What do you mean no questions asked?  Why would you not want to press charges or at the very least ban the person for life?  I would like to know how they think they are helping people?

I have needed the services that this place provides.  Some days more than others.  But, I also know that I am better off on my own.  There are people that go that are not even homeless.  They go there and take all the free food that they can get.  They take all the used clothes and shoes that are dropped off that they can get.  There is this one lady that will take every huge amounts of cold cut sandwiches (which are given away rarely) and load them up in her car.  Now, if you are homeless you can't take supplies of perishable foods.  You have no way to keep them cold.  Coolers don't work on a long term basis.  You also will spend a fortune on ice.  As soon as she is done eating she leaves.  I don't know her story, but it seems to me that she is far better off than many and shouldn't be behaving the way she does.

There is one guy who I overhead talking and he was saying that he was found passed out drunk on the side of the road at 7 am.  He woke up in the hospital at 8 pm.  Want to hear his solution to that problem?  Don't drink anything that doesn't have a color to it from that day forward.  How is his life going to get better if they provide the bare necessities to him?  The answer is it won't.  He seems to find places to sleep most nights.  I guess he is couch surfer.  He gets most of his food for free.  He works just enough hours to pay for drink and takes charity for everything else.

He is the part of the problem with people helping.  Why would you want to help someone like that?  I sure wouldn't.

So I have just decided that being on my own is my best option.  As I said I need that place for certain things.  But for the most part I stay away.  I also don't talk to anyone when I am there.  I go in, do what I need to do, and leave.  What really was the most upsetting to me is the fact that I helped people out there.  Two different people needed their cars towed and I took care of that with my AAA membership.  I figured I paid for it, so why not get the use from it.  I never asked for anything in return.  People there knew I did that.

Boy, the heat is on.  It is going to be very hard to sleep starting tomorrow night.  Oh well.  I will do what I can.

Thanks to the people who sent me emails inquiring about me.  I had very limited access to the computer so I used it to do some job hunting.  I hope that I have since answered everyone.  If not, I apologize.

I have several second interviews, so I really do think it is getting closer.  Sooner or later something will come up.  I have no where to go but up.

Saturday

I have had a busy week.  I have had several job interviews.  Two went well, very well.  I feel that I can be hopeful this time.

I applied for unemployment.  I didn't realize I wouldn't get paid for one week.  Oh well.  There is nothing that I can do.  The last time I was laid off I was given a severance and I found a new job before that ran out.  So I never filed for unemployment.

The process seems very drawn out.  You have to get two different notifications from them.  What a waste of time and resources.  Money for that matter as well.

I several other appointments next week.

Since I am not working I try to stay as busy as I can.  All that time to fill is very hard.  I only sleep about six hours at night.  I just can't seem to get more than that in my car.  I guess I am not that comfortable sleeping all curled up like that.

I have been eating well though.  Well, not healthy really, but enough to be full.  I am not falling asleep hungry most nights.  Sometimes I still do, but not as often.

I do need to be careful with my very limited resources now.  Especially since I won't be getting paid for this week.

Like I have said many times, you become obsessed about how much money you have.  That is one of the first things you think about in the morning and it is usually is the thing you are thinking about when you go to sleep.

See, this is part of what people don't get about homelessness.  Your daily survival becomes your life.  Where will you get food?  Where you will use the ladies room? Is where your sleeping safe?  Do you have money for transportation?  Are the police going to hassle you today?  Will you get thrown out of the library or mall?  Is there a different church you can speak to about getting assistance?

You are so worried about today that looking at tomorrow becomes hard.  Not impossible, but difficult.  You also are fighting the boredom and the lack of stimulation.  That is really one of the hardest things.  You feel so isolated from the rest of the world.

Another thing that I can't stand is always having a bra on.  You have no idea how much I just want to take this thing off and burn it.  I of course can't do that.  But if you need to get out of your car in the middle of the night you can't be running around hanging out all over the place.  So you just leave it on.  At least I do.  I guess I can't speak for other homeless women.  I am not sure what they do and I have never asked any of the other women I know.

My vet friend is doing ok.  Although I am not seeing him as much as I have in the past.  I guess he has found other resources or places to go.  I worry about him.  He will always be homeless.  His mental illness will never allow him to live a normal life.  I guess he has accepted that and does what he does and is ok.  But it still breaks my heart.

I see other homeless that have self imposed problems.  They drink too much or whatever else that they do.  Them I don't feel sorry for, they have done it to themselves.  If being homeless isn't hitting rock bottom then will they ever find it to get sober?  I doubt it.  They also make it very hard for people like me to get help.

Why would you want to give money for someone else to get drunk or high?  I wouldn't want to do that either.  But not all homeless are homeless for that reason.  Some are just down on their luck and want to get back on track.  They just need some help or maybe just some time and they will figure it out for themselves.  They deserve to get some help or have resources available to them.  But you will find many, many doors shut in your face.

I have found a new church to go to.  I think it will be good.  I like my church, but I just feel it is time for a change.  Maybe I just need some spice in my life for a change and this is how I am getting it.

Homelessness is very lonely.  So many people don't want to talk to you if they know you are homeless.

Well somebody gave me coupon for a free smoothie.  Those are things that I can't normally afford so I am going to take advantage of it and savor every drop.  Bing Cherry smoothie, here I come.

Have a good night all.

Saturday

Well I lost my job, today will be my last day.  I knew it was coming.  But at least I will be able to collect unemployment.  I am not sure how much I will get, but it will be something.  I had several good weeks recently so that may jump up the amount that I get.

In a way it is kind of a blessing.  The job is pretty far from where I sleep so I was spending a great deal of money getting there.  This way I don't have to spend money on gas if I don't need to.

Also I was having a very difficult time finding a part time job or another retail position because of the conflict of interest that retailers seem to have with each other.  So this will release me from that issue.

I am down about it, but there is nothing that I can do and to be quite honest I was making so little money anyway.  The business is just not there.

I do have a second interview with a company not this coming week but the following week.  Maybe this is a sign or something.  I am not sure I believe in signs, but I can hope that this is just a foreshadowing of better things down the road.

I have not slept very well since they told me.  I also do dread having no where to go ever.  The days are long when you are homeless.  There is only so many places that you can go when you don't have much money.  Your options are very limited.

We will see what happens.  I hope all is well with all of you.

Thursday

Not much has been happening so I have not really had much to say.  The job search seems to be moving more smoothly, so that is good news.

I am getting enough to eat, so that is also good news.

I still don't sleep all that well, but that is par for the course.  I have not slept all that well since this started.  I try to make sure at least one day per week I can take a nap during the day.  It is not always possible, but I try.

Work is slow and slower.  It has some good moments, but generally speaking the business is just dying.  The gas prices seem lower.  But I would think that is going to change any day now with summer coming.  We will have to wait and see.

Gas prices are big part of the money people spend on extras.  When the prices rise, the willingness or ability to spend money on things that can wait slows down.  So, I am anxiously waiting to see what is going to happen with this.

Friday

Sorry I have been gone so long.  I have had a very productive week.  I have had several job interviews and I met with a social worker that has real experience dealing with the homeless.  This is one of the first people who fully understands what I am going through, but more important she has been able to give me leads on the resources that are available to me.  This is a maze and you keep bumping into walls trying to find your way out.

She did tell me that I have depression.  You know I am thinking that is a positive sign.  Wouldn't it be odd that I did not?  To me I think that would mean that I have accepted being homeless and it would become my life.  I am still fighting being homeless.

I also have a lead on church that will help finish up my car repairs.  I still have several things that need to be taken care of so it is drivable for more than just very short distances.

So as I said, I have had a good week.  One of the best that I have had in long time.  The down side is that it was really bad at work and the next paycheck will be joke.  But I am dealing with that the best that I can.

I am a little behind on some bills, but I am doing the best that I can.

The yeast infection has not cleared up completely.  It is better, I don't have the stinging anymore, but I am still itchy and uncomfortable.  So I was able to get another round of the anti-fungal so I am hoping within the next day or so it will clear itself up.

I am not sleeping all that great, but I have gotten used to that the best that I can.

I heard from someone that is about to become homeless.  Here is best advice I can give you:

Get a can opener.  You will need it.

Have talc/baby powder/cornstarch.  Keeping your feet warm and dry is vital.

I have really fought the shelters.  I don't like them.  But, they are necessary for you.  They will help  you with medical problems among other things.  Make sure that at least one of them knows who you are.  They are also a resource if you need clothes.

You will need bug spray, toothpaste, toothbrush, and get small containers to put your hair washing supplies in.

I have found having a small container of soap for your hands is also a good idea.  Using all different types of soaps on your hands can be rough.  It is better if you try to have your own supply.

If you can possibly afford a storage unit, get one.  The more obviously homeless you are the more difficult your life will be.  They don't want you at malls or restaurants.  The police will hassle you more.  Carry as little as possible with you and stay as clean as possible, and change you clothes as often as you can if you are unable to do it daily.  There is no reason to be dirty.

Most states have a 2-1-1 service.  Use it.  They can get you the info for shelters in your area, the clinics that can meet your medical needs, they can find you a pro bono dentist for minor things.

Try and find the drop in centers in your area.  They can help you with laundry and showers.  Some offer mental health services too.  They will help with specific needs financially, such as adding minutes to a pay as you go phone.  They won't give you money, but they will add minutes if you need them.

If you are picking and choosing which bills to pay, make sure one of them is your phone bill.  You must have a phone.  Even if it is just one that gets you to 9-1-1.  The streets are dangerous.  Some of the homeless are severely mentally ill.  But you will find the biggest hassles comes from the non homeless people.  You will be looked at like human trash by many.  I have met several others who have been beaten up and robbed.  Be aware of your surroundings all the time.  Keep track of the street names so you know where you are if you need to call the police.

Keep yourself as clean as possible.  It is easy enough to do if you put the effort in.

There are plenty of places that will help you with food.  Most are only open several days a week, but once you get it down, you should be able to find a meal most days.  Sunday's are hardest.  You will not be able to find three meals a day, but you should be able to find at least one a day.

Talk to the churches.  Many won't help, but some will.

Avoid using public restrooms at a gas station if at all possible.  They are the least likely to be clean. They are also the most likely to ban you from using them.

Get used to being cold.  You won't be able to shake unless it is very hot out.  Even then you will find the air conditioning will make you cold.

Figure out where the libraries are.  They are a good resource for you.  Internet access, clean restrooms, and most of the time if you fall asleep they won't say much.

Figure out where the grocery stores that have a microwave for you to use are.  You can eat much more cheaply that way.

Always carry with you something to keep you dry in case it rains.  Once your stuff gets wet, it takes days for it to dry.

Always carry with you at least one small bag.  You will find that need them for a variety of things.

Keep your money in the safest possible place.  Inside your sock, the deepest part of your bag.  Don't bring out your cash unless you really need it.

Clean up after yourself always.  People will figure out that you are homeless eventually.  They will be much more tolerant of you if you are clean.

Move around.  Don't sleep in the same place all the time if you are sleeping in your car.  You are far less likely to be hassled.  And the police will hassle you.

Remember, you are poor.  That does not mean that you have given up your constitutional rights.  It is not illegal to sleep in your car.  They have no right to force you to show ID if you are parked on private property.  Unless the owner called them, they can't even ask you to leave.  They can and they will if you are on public property.  Learn the difference.

When you sleep, program your phone to call 9-1-1 with one touch.  It will make you feel safer.

Believe it or not, you really don't need toilet paper, unless you are going to the camping route.  If you go the camping route, you will find other homeless that you can join, you will be safer.  At least in this area there are many of them.  More than anyone wants to admit to.

Your skin will get very dry.  Try to get lotion.

There are lawyers that will help you protect your rights.  They work for free for you.  I am not sure how they make an income or they just do it on the side.  But they won't charge.  Find the phone numbers of at least one and program it into your phone in case of an emergency.

The most important thing I can say is that you still have human dignity.  Don't forget that.  The shame and the guilt is normal.  But even then, don't lose your dignity.  You dont' have to break the law to survive.  You are still a human being, even when others don't treat you all that well.  Tell yourself screw them.  Remember, you are able to survive a difficult time.  That is something to take some pride in.  But learn the difference between pride and dignity.  Dignity will always help you, pride sometimes will get in the way.

Good luck to you.

Saturday

I was wrong, I don't have a bladder infection.  It is one of the girlie things.  I have never had one before so I guess that is why I didn't realize that what it was.  I also have my period, so life is uncomfortable for me to say the least.  I do have to say that today is the first day that I have felt better in more than a week.  I still am a little uncomfortable, but not as much as I have been over the past week or so.  The irritation was very annoying.  I was under the false impression that yeast infections came about from sex.  I can say with 100% certainty that is not the cause of mine.

I did meet with a very nice man the other day and he gave me some real help that will lead to better things for me.  He is the first one to really address the needs that I have. So I am very grateful.  My only regret is that I had not made it to him sooner than this.  But as I have said many times this is a big giant circle and breaking free of the circle is not easy.  Finding the right church to talk to is hard.  It is a crap shoot.  It is like the gerbil on that stupid ball.  They run and run, but never arrive anywhere.  That is how I have felt.  I feel like I have a better destination now.

I was able to get a shower, which always makes you feel better.  There is dignity in being clean, warm, and fed.  They seem like such basic things, but for people like me they are not.  Which is part of the reason that getting out of being homeless isn't as easy as one would think that it is.  You spend your time obsessing about the next meal, clean clothes, and sleeping more than just a few hours at a time.  How all encompassing that is can be difficult for a person who hasn't experienced to understand.

I ran into another woman I thought had gotten back on her feet, but apparently has not.  I haven't seen her in so long that I just thought, well good for her, she has a housing situation.  But, I guess not.  I also got to see my vet friend the other day too.  He seems like a nice man, but he thinks that the government is trying to poison him so he won't take his medication for his delusions.  He will spend a lifetime in this cycle.

Wednesday

Here is the latest outrage.  I stopped in this church/social services place that I saw while going by on the bus a few times.  I figured what could it hurt.  I have a bladder infection and I need some medicine.  I was looking for a name of a doctor I could go see.  Someone else paid the last time I went doctor for my feet.

I walk into this place and they have this big handmade poster on the wall that says everyone deserves a home.  I also noticed all these different items laying around that people would need, like bedding and stuff.  I am thinking to myself, oh everyone deserves a home.  Great, right?

It seems that only goes for illegal aliens.  That is all they help.  Refugees they called them.  They told me to walk up the street to a church and they should be able to help me.  So I do.  They tell me that they have no money.  I told the woman I was looking for money, I was looking for a doctor who can give me something so I can't stop going to the bathroom every ten minutes and stinging like crazy when I do.  She said they can't help me.  I asked do they have names of doctors for illegals?  I didn't wait for a response.

Since I have not really stayed in the shelters except when the weather is really bad they can't give me a recommendation, without that recommendation the waiting list is 8 months.  Can you die from bladder infections?  I don't know, but if you can I would think I would be dead before 8 months hits.

Unbelievable.  Like I said, the government spends all this money to "help" the homeless, but it does nothing to address the real needs of people like me.  All the money goes into a black hole.  Government at its finest.

Monday

I had an appointment with someone last week that I thought may be to give me some help, but they were not able to.  They told that they really only help people who about to become homeless.  Again I was just given a name of another group of people to talk to.  It is this constant circle that just drives me crazy.  This one can only help with one thing, they can only help with something else.  So basically no one really helps with I need.

The place I shower at is having plumbing issues and I was unable to take a shower today.  I feel awful and just need to stand under some hot water for a little while.  

I hope it will be fixed tomorrow.  I really need to take a shower.

I still feeling very down at the moment.  I want to snap out of it, but I am not quite there yet.  I was really hoping that this was my last night of being homeless.

Thursday

I have really worked myself into a funk.  But I think I cured myself from it because of a man I met last night.  I was minding my own business as I usually do and he started speaking to me.  He asked me what I was doing online, which I didn't think was any of his business.  He then told me he was working on something for a court date.

I said that I didn't know anything about those things since I am not a lawyer.  He told me that he isn't either; he is a bum.  That is a quote.  He told me that he panhandles and the police hassle him and give him tickets.  He didn't smell that I noticed, but his clothes were torn and in bad shape.  But he did a pretty nice computer; much nicer than mine.  It looked relatively new too.

I had half a mind to go off on him, but I didn't.  I didn't want to cause a scene.  But he is the reason that people don't want to help the people like me who are truly looking to rebuild our lives.  He has no intention of being anything other than a panhandler.  He doesn't want to improve his life.  For whatever reason he has decided that this is calling or something.

I shouldn't judge to harshly because I don't know the full story.  He may have a mental illness or something, but he seemed like a normal guy.  You can usually tell about the mentally ill ones pretty much off the bat.  You only need about 5 to 10 minutes and it shows up.  Probably because they don't take any meds and are in full blown whatever it may happen to be for them.

Sad, really sad.  I would never refer to myself as a bum.  I feel like one sometimes.  I currently am feeling like a lowlife loser, but that is just the disappointment of this not being over next week.

So I got back into my routine off looking for jobs online and put my makeup on even when I don't have to go to work.  For some reason that makes me feel more normal.  I have an appointment to speak to a counselor at a charity group tomorrow.  They won't be able to help with all my needs, but I think they can give me some good advice.

I am a little low on cash at the moment because I took that money I saved and paid my bills.  I was getting a little behind while I tried to get the money together to move so I neglected some of my bills.  I have those paid now, so that is one weight off my shoulders.  One less thing for me to stress about.

One of my issues now are these constant swings in the weather.  One day hot, the next day colder.  Very hard for person like me to adjust to that.  I also need to go get my summer clothes.  So that will be a nightmare, but I will figure it out.

I am even thinking of getting a haircut.  I have not had one in so long and it is something that I just can't justify spending money on.  I am always so worried about how much I have.  Obsessed is the better term.

Sunday

Sorry I have been gone so long.  But I have been very depressed.  Remember when I said I needed to cry it out?  Well that is what I have been doing.  Almost non stop or at least it feels that way.  Things have not been going well.  The person who rents that room won't let me move in.  I told the truth, I guess that wasn't a good idea.

I offered two months rent in advance, but she still said no.  I can't what I would do in the same instance had I never had this experience.  Maybe I would do the same thing.

But how exactly am I supposed to get my life back together if no one is willing to give me a chance?  I had the money to pay her.  I can't find much else that would have been affordable as this place.  The others one that are  don't happen to be accessible to mass transit.  With my continuing car issues I need to be on a bus line.

Anyway, that is why I have not written in a while.  I am feeling like a loser and pretty hopeless.  I guess this is kind of the same thing of looking for your first job.  No one hires you because you lack experience.

I need to get over it and get on with it. This is my reality and I have to deal with it.

Saturday

I got to work earlier than expected.  Mainly because I was woken up earlier than normal today.  Some passersby having an interest in the homeless one.  Gawking is what it really is.

People may think that I am not embarrassed by my life.  I am in ways that I can't possibly express.  I think that people don't get that.  For you to get to the point where you are no longer embarrassed or feel shame you have to had fallen pretty far.

In some ways I give credit to the people who panhandle.  I have done it a few times, out of sheer desperation.  But it is a very difficult thing to do.  If you don't believe me, try it.  Stand up on a local street corner with a sign asking for money.  The fear that someone you know will drive by is almost paralyzing.  The looks of disgust that so many give fills you with shame.  To wash away all those feelings is a hard thing to do.

I guess at some point once you get past it initially it doesn't matter anymore.  I just wonder what it takes to get there.  I am no where near that point.  Going to the churches for help is hard enough.  Talking to people about my situation is also very hard.  I do it.  But I don't like it.

Monday

I survived Easter.  I didn't do much beyond going to church yesterday.  Someone was nice enough to help me with a hotel room for the evening.  Which was good since so little was open yesterday and I was very limited to where I go to use a ladies room.  So thanks so much for that.

I slept very well being in a bed for a change.  I feel like I can sleep for days when I have this type of privacy and am laying down flat.  But the best part is being braless.  It may sound strange, but it really is.  Try wearing a bra 24 hours a day for just a week and you will see what I mean.

I came across this article on homelessness and veterans.  Apparently most of them are women.  I know that most of the homeless people that I have met are women.  Many of which are recently divorced.  The homeless vets that I have met have all been men.  Two of which were discharged because they had mental problems.  I talked about the homeless vet before I am sure.  He seems like a very nice man, but he has paranoid delusions and thinks the government is trying to poison him so he won't take his medication.  Of course without his medications his life will never improve.

The article talks about the lack of available housing for homeless vets.  But there is a lack of housing for all homeless.  I realize that many people think that most homeless people are just bums who brought their life upon themselves.  That is true for some, but certainly not all.  What available help that there is will go to parents with small children.  Which of course it should.

Oh, the woman with the two small kids called me yesterday to wish me a happy Easter.  She got a hold of a relative that lives in another part of the country and she is going to live with them, at least for a while.  I am happy for her and her kids.  She feels bad taking them out of their school in the middle of the year, but it has to be better than living in a shelter.  She is taking the bus in the next few days after she gets the money he sent her to get the tickets.  She sounded much calmer when I talked to her yesterday.  I am glad that I was able to help her while she was figuring out what to do next.

That is one of the issues with being homeless.  Especially in the beginning you are so overwhelmed with the fact that you no longer have a place to live that you are not really thinking clearly.  It happens so much faster than you think.  Even if you know it could happen you still keeping hoping that some miracle is going to happen and you won't end up that way.  I know with me, I was able to stave it off for much longer than what I really should have.  But in the end it happened anyway.  The first two months or so I was so depressed I could barely function.  But you adjust.  One of the people at the emergency number I spoke to told me that I have acclimated to my situation.  Which I have in many ways.  You don't really have a choice.  You adjust to your surroundings and deal with your reality.

I still go through bouts of depression.  I am in one now I think.  I feel like crying all the time.  I don't because I don't have the privacy to do it.  But the feeling is there.  I know I should cry it out.  I think it would help me get it all out.  When I was going to the gym everyday I could get it out with a good workout.  But the gift card I had gotten for the membership ran out and I can't spend my money that way.

I have run into another homeless person I starting seeing when I first became homeless.  I had thought he had found his way back to permanent housing.  But not so.  I don't know where he has been for the months that I didn't see him.

The good news being I have not seen creepy guy in a very long time.  For that I am very grateful.

I still have some damage on the skin on my feet.  I guess that is going to be permanent.  It is on the bottom of my feet so it won't be that noticeable and it doesn't hurt anymore.  The stuff on the top of my feet has healed.

Thursday

I have more or less figured out what I am going to do for Easter.  I have a few options, but not many since most businesses are closed.  In a perfect world I would get a hotel room for two nights, but that is not in the budget.  I really don't even want to spend the money for one night.  But I just don't see how I have a choice to do it for Sunday night.

It will be very nice to sleep in a bed, take a long hot bath, watch sports center, sleep, sleep, and sleep.  Oh, and not have a bra on.  Life will be good for about 18 hours.

My job interview went OK I think.  I hope so anyway.  There was not much in the way of ads this week, but with the holiday and spring break for school kids I guess that is understandable.  I am hoping there will be plenty to choose from on Monday.

This week wasn't so bad at work.  Not great, but better than it has been in a few weeks.  Many people took time off this week because the kids were out of school.  So we at least had traffic.  Someone is supposed to come tomorrow and finalize a purchase.  They don't always show.  It is strange it is almost always the ones you expect to never come back that do, and those you do expect don't.

Sunday

I do a lot of people watching.  Not so much because I want to, but I am out in public all the time and it passes the time.

I have seen people out on first or second dates on occasion.  The other night this guy was explained to his date that sexuality is not black or white.  What was most fascinating was that she didn't get up and run away.  I would have.  I almost wanted to follow behind them to see if they left in the same car or not.  But I couldn't be bothered.

I don't know why I felt the need to share that, but it just struck me.

Work wasn't great yesterday.  I had a few sales, but not very many.

It won't be a good paycheck.  But so few of them are these days.  I just hope that I have enough money to pay my bills that are due and to get a place to stay over Easter.  I will need a bathroom.  Not enough businesses will be open for me to have a place to go for the day.

I am trying not to feel to stressed about it.  But these are the type of things that gnaw at me until I give myself tension headaches.

I am going to read and try and take a nap.

Friday

I had someone request that I put a link to his site.  He sells republican themed posters.  So, please go and check them out.  He seems like a nice man.  Thanks for being a "sponsor" of mine.  Something that I never thought I would ever have in my life.

Today was really bad at work.  Really bad.  There was one sale all day, just one.  Luckily it was mine.  Can you imagine paying an entire staff of people and make no money?

It is just getting really scary.  I did have others that came and looked today and took measurements.  So I can hope that they come back tomorrow.  I hope, I hope!!

I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights.  Which I don't know why because I had been sleeping very well.  It may be that the temperatures have started to drop again.  I don't know.

I have been cold all day.  I can't shake it.  I had four cups of tea and it didn't help.  But I didn't want to buy another cup and the tea bag I had just wouldn't give me more than four cups.  But I don't know why I would think that a fifth one would do it when four did not.

I am very hungry, but I have little cash.  So I am going to go to get some stuff off the value menu.

I had a repair at my apartment that I had to take care of and that took up most of my paycheck.  The garbage disposal stopped working and was flooding the sink.  I have that screw thingy but that didn't work, so it had to be replaced.  The man who looked at it told me it would have been the same amount to fix it, so at least this way there is a warranty on it.  Had I still be living there, I would just have disconnected it or something and not replaced it.  But, I had no choice but to replace since I am renting out the place.  They can withhold my rent if I don't repair things.  I have no way to pay the bills for that place without the rent, so I can't take the chance.

They are nice people.  And at least I got to take a good look at the place.  They have kept it very neat and clean.  I was happy and relieved to see that.  It will make it easier to sell.  Which looks like what I am going to have to do.

I spoke to a realtor about it and she told me with the direction that prices are moving now, I should be no longer underwater by this summer.  So I guess I can put the place on the market June 1.  It breaks my heart, but I guess it is for the best.

Thursday

I didn't realize that I have been away for so long.  Days meld together for me.  Especially when I am not working.

Not much has happened.  I had a call about a job interview, so I will be going to that early next week.  Work is very slow, but I did survive the latest round of reductions.  I can't imagine that I survive the next one.  My only hope is that I can find something else between now and then.

I have an interview early next week.  It is kind of far, but I will worry about that later.  I can get there, it will just be time consuming.  My car just isn't up to long drives and I don't want to spend my on that until I am more settled.

I get very worried about having money for food and paying my bills.

That is one of the things that I hate about all this, the constant level of stress.   Everything is blown out of proportion.  Do I spend money on this or that or do I hold off?  I really need a haircut, very badly in fact.  But $25 is what I spend on food for a week or so.  I would rather be sure that I have money for food.

I take the bus and the train often so I don't worry all that much about gas prices.  A half tank can last me for quite a while.

Next Sunday is Easter and nothing will be open.  What do I do?  I don't want to spend money on a hotel, but I don't see that I have many options.  It is a great deal cheaper than going to see my Aunt.

All these decisions can seem so overwhelming to me.  I feel like I am losing my ability to think sometimes.  Deductive reasoning has all but escaped me.

Thursday

I have been reading all these articles about how mayors around the country are refusing donations of food for the homeless due to salt content.  How nice for them.  See, they have a home and money.  They can make decisions about the type of foods they eat.

I, on the other hand, don't have that luxury in most instances.  There are weeks that I have enough money that I can buy a good meal.  But, there are also times that I cannot.  During the weeks that I don't have enough money I would gladly take a bagel, regardless of how much salt it contains.

While I should be worrying about my long term health needs, it isn't my top priority when I am hungry and don't have enough to get something better.  I eat what I can.

What a bunch of imbeciles.

There are people who are giving this food out of the goodness in their hearts, not because they are trying to give heart attacks to the homeless and hungry.

Let me tell you some unpleasant realities.  When you don't eat regularly your digestive system doesn't always handle fruits and vegetables well.  I have had loose bowels twice already this week.  It isn't easy to find a bathroom all the time, and that can get very messy if you are not near a restroom.  Talk about shit happens.  It does.  You then have to worry about finding a shower to clean yourself thoroughly.  Again, not always easy.  The place that I can take a shower is only open for five hours a day and then only on weekdays.  What do you do if this accident happens on a weekend?

They may mean well, but they are not helping.  They are doing nothing but hurting people like me.  Like I said, I am in a better position than many homeless.  Just Monday I helped another homeless woman get to a shelter.  She had two young kids.  The shelter that takes families is not all that close to where I am and doesn't have bus service.  So it wasn't easy to get her and kids there.  But we managed.  I would like the mayors who made this decision to look her in the eye and tell her she shouldn't give her hungry kids bagels.

I only have to worry about myself.  I have a job, poorly paying, but a job.  She had nothing but the clothes and toys she was carrying and two young kids to care for.  The shelter will only keep her for 45 days.  If she doesn't find an alternative she has to leave that shelter for 10 days before they will take her back again.  The program for the winter ended last week.  For liability reasons most churches won't let you spend the night.  Where is she going to go?  Does Mayor Bloomberg think that she cares about the salt content?  That isn't what is on her mind right now.

If she ends up on the streets she could have her children taken away from her by child services for neglect.  I gave her my phone number, but she hasn't called.  I am assuming that she is OK where she is.  I hope so.  She was really scared.

Honest to god, what is wrong with these politicians?  Do they think they are helping people like me?  They are nothing more than assholes.  I want to use stronger language, but someone sent me an email telling me that he has his step daughter read this.  So I should try and keep it rated PG-13 at least.

The homeless have no voice of their own.  People don't listen to people like me.  It is other people that need to speak up about this.  One day what happened to me could happen to you or someone you work with.  I never thought I would be living in a car, but I do.

Sorry, but I had to get that out.  It made me so mad when I read that.

Monday

Work has been very slow.  The one day last week that was busy I was off.  So that was not good.  But like I said the gas prices guide how much extra money people have and what they are willing to spend money on.  So until the prices start to drop, this will continue.  This is just like what happened the last time the prices were high.  When the prices dropped the business picked up again.  

My boss told me that I wouldn't lose my job even though they will be cutting back on staff, again.  I think someone is quitting, so that will free up hours and it will give me more of a chance to makes sales.  So that is good news in its way.  I may even get a few more hours.  

I think I have found a place to live.  Someone is moving and they rent a room in a house that is only $500 a month.  I am pretty sure I can swing that.  I will have to be very careful.  But they are not moving until May.  So that gives me another six weeks of homelessness, if this works out.  Most places I have found are closer to $700 a month plus utilities and I just can't swing that.  I won't be able to afford to pay my other bills and buy food.  

But the good news that I am taking today is that this is the last day of winter.  I made it through.  It is much easier to sleep now because I don't need as many layers and three blankets.  With that much stuff around you makes hard to move and very uncomfortable.  

The bad news I have heard that the so called experts are saying that the higher gas prices will start having a real affect on the economy by the end of the month.  

Tuesday

I usually try and see if there is any stories on the homeless every few days.  I am not sure why, but I do.  I came across a story today.

So I learned some things about myself today.  Well, I didn't but I did learn how many in the world view me.  There is an article about how some homeless people were used to provide wifi at some conference and they were paid a flat amount and people were asked to give a tip.

The article wasn't all that exciting but the comments were.  Apparently I am a heroine addict, a thief, and the walking dead.

I would have done it and not felt exploited.  I have bills to pay.  I have food to buy.  I don't want to be homeless anymore.  Why would I feel bad about someone willing to give me money in return for work?  If it helped me get a good meal for a few days or put the money in the bank towards getting out of my current condition, why wouldn't I do it?

So if I get this, liberals think I would be exploited and conservatives think I am not worthy of doing the job.  If you ever wondered why I feel isolated, this tells you everything you need to know.

Sunday

The weather has been nice during the day, but still chilly during the night.  Believe it or not this presents problems for me because I have to layer for sleeping, but don't need all those layers during the day.  What then do I do with all the layers?  I don't like carrying around a great deal of clothes or bags.  That just gives me more of an appearance of being homeless.

I realize that some of that may be in my head, but as I said I have gotten new radar for detecting homeless people.  You would be surprised.  There are people who you walk right by during the day that are homeless, but you don't know it.  I see the signs more because I have a clearer idea of what they are.

Shoes are a very good indication.  I won't be putting on sandals or shorts until it is warm and has no chance of being chilly again.  There are only so many times that I can change clothes in day when I have to do it in public.

The other day I saw something that I found upsetting.  There was a man who was obviously homeless at a mall. This particular mall is within walking distance to a train station and several bus routes so it is easy for the homeless to get to.  He was on a scooter.  He wasn't bothering anyone.  But like I said, his homeless state was obvious to everyone.  Simply because of what he carried around with him.  I guess security called the police.  There are businesses there and small children running around so I can see what they don't want people that are considered "bums" around.  It could hurt current business and make it harder to attract new businesses as space becomes available.  But, did they have to send four police officers and two fire/EMT trucks?  They were questioning the man about different things.  They said to him that they were going to take him somewhere to get a meal after he said he hadn't eaten yet that day.  It was mid afternoon.  I left before they took him anywhere.  So I am not sure if they really did take him away or not.

But it just seemed very excessive for one homeless person.  I understand two police officers in case he is combative, but four?  I have become afraid of the police.  Which isn't a good thing.

Thursday

I can't sleep.  It is not even worth trying anymore.  But I do have to say that I got a great deal done.  I cleaned all the windows and was able to sort through my mail.  I only pick up my mail about twice a month so I have so much to look through that it becomes overwhelming in a way.

I also went and did laundry.  I got most things cleaned.  I had only a certain amount of money to spend so I put as much as the washer would take.  I used the triple load.  I didn't even know there was such a thing, but there is.  I would have loved to be able to do my blankets too, but I just don't want to spend the money on that right now.

I am going to be so tired later at work.  At least I will sleep well later.  At least I hope so.

Work is still dismal, really dismal.  But it is what it is and I will deal with it the best that I can.  They are cutting hours at the end of the month if things don't improve.  Which they won't.  So I am not sure how that will effect me.  I am cheap compared to the others because I already lost my benefits.  I would think they are going to go after a person who has benefits.  But I don't know.  I will have to wait and see.

I had a job interview the other day and it went badly.  I could tell almost immediately that the person didn't want to hire me.  They were almost hostile.  I don't know if it was the way I was dressed.  I had on a suit and it was clean.  I had it dry cleaned two weeks ago and hadn't worn it.  I showered the day before.  I know my resume has no typo's, I had it professionally checked when I first lost my job.  Maybe they thought I am ugly or something.  I don't know.  But whatever it was, I won't be getting that job.

I applied for some restaurant jobs for quick cash, but they don't want to hire me because I have never done it before.  I know, pretty much everyone has worked in one at some point in their life, but I did not.  My dad didn't want me to work while I was going to school so I didn't have a job until I was in college.  I worked in a summer camp as a lifeguard and worked on campus during the school year in the library sorting books.  It was fun job because at some point everyone makes it there.  So you got to meet many new people.

The weather has been good.  It was very cold the other night.  I slept OK.  I think that may be one of the last really cold nights.  It seems spring has sprung.  The trees are starting to bloom.  I really need to go and get something for the allergy attack I am going to get soon.  It doesn't last all that long for me, but it is still painful when I don't take those pills.

I did have an incident last week that was very upsetting.  I am not going to go into the details, but sometimes people are really dumb.  Also, somebody damaged the mirror on my car.  Like I need another thing to lay out money for on that car.  I figured out a way to keep it in place for now.  I don't know why someone would damage my car.  I really don't get it.  I don't see how it could have happened except that it was intentional. Sometimes people are just not nice.

Thursday

I have been reading about Andrew Breitbart dying.  He seems way too young to be dying of natural causes.  Strange.

I have had a decent week at work.  Not great, but considering how slow it has been I will take it.  But the rising gas prices are hurting people.  I don't get to see much television, but I read the newspapers on my days off and I keep reading they are expected to hit $5 soon.  I can't imagine people will be spending anything other than what is necessary once that happens.

I think I mentioned before I can pinpoint when things really started to go south for me is when the gas prices were very high several years ago.  It makes a big difference in the way people spend their money.  I also read that some jerk in the Obama administration said they don't care if the prices are high.  How nice for them with their good paying government jobs.  What about me and the millions of others like me?  I am sure that even more people will creep closer to the edge if they have to pay $5 for a gallon of gas.  Some of which will fall off.

I do hope that someone who does care about the prices gets elected this fall.  I have followed the candidates and I think that Romney has the best chance of winning.  At least he understands how businesses run.  Although he has no idea what it is like to be me.  But the others don't either.  Matter of fact unless you have been here you don't get it.  You make assumptions, but many of those assumptions are wrong.

I saw this man yesterday eating vegetables out of can cold.  He had a bunch of bags with him.  I doubt he has a place to call his own either.  He was neatly dressed and he didn't smell that I noticed.  People assume that they know what homelessness is.  Or at least they think they understand what type of people are homeless.  In some cases they are right.  The drunks, the drug addicts, the mentally ill are all part of the ranks, but they don't tell the whole story.

There is a place not to far from the drop in center that I mentioned awhile back that is kind of woodsy.  People live in tents there.  Some are what you think, but not all of them.  One man is disabled and unable to work.  He has been unable to get social security to approve his claim so he lives in a tent.  He spends his days at the center.  I don't know what he does at night.  I have never asked.  I don't really talk all that much to the people there.  I just go and pick up some food when I run out of supplies and am short on money.  I try not to take too much because I figure I can fend for myself better than many of the others.  A few others that I have met have jobs too.  They just got caught in a bad situation when bills they didn't expect hit and everything snowballed.  That is really how it happens.  A few bad things happen and the next thing you know you are out of money.  Your savings is gone, you have a limited or no income coming in and you lose control and it all falls apart.

Anyway, it isn't always what you think on the surface.  Don't make assumptions about someone else's life.  You don't always see what happens.  You only see what you want to see or what you are conditioned to believe.  There are these ladies who are (or were) homeless and they know how to knit.  They sit outside of a train station and try to sell what they knit.  Some people won't buy from them when they find out they are homeless.  Was the item all of sudden uglier or something?  I guess they thought they were addicts or something.  Maybe they are, I don't know.  But I do know that they are trying to survive in a world that looks the other way.

There are many people who know that I am homeless and have done nothing.  I am not saying that I expect anything.  Like I said I don't know their stories either.  I am just saying that they would rather act like I don't exist. They don't even want to speak to me.   I found something online that is interesting.  Read it if you are interested.  I have found from my own experience for these to be true for the most part.  Especially the part about the help for getting people out of homelessness to be very limited.

Tuesday

I had a pretty good night's sleep.  That is always a good thing.  It helps me throughout the day.  My problem now has become that it isn't quite as cold out so I am running into the issue that I get hot at some point in the night and kick off my blankets.  Then of course it gets colder and it wakes me up and I can't always get back to sleep.  So I have to figure out what are the proper layers for this new temperature range.  I guess I should try just two layers on top with my coat unzipped and then maybe I will keep my blankets on.

I think I won't be needing my boots anymore.  Which is good news since they are really the thing that caused all those skin issues with my feet.  They are pretty much gone at this point.  I still have one little area on my toe that the skin is a little strange but outside of that they are fine.

Another issue that I have is that my head is getting very itchy.  I guess I am not washing my hair enough.  Yesterday being a good example.  I tried to do it in the morning, but too many people were around for me to get it done.  I found a bathroom stall that has a sink with a faucet high enough that I can stick my head underneath it, but that restroom is very busy.  So I have to do it in the mornings before too many people are around.  I guess I could care less and do it anyway, but I don't like drawing attention to myself.  I am not breaking any laws that I know of (but with the way things are going, I probably am) but I still don't want the people here to call security.  If I get kicked out of this place I really have very other options of where to spend my time that are safe and have heat.  I ended up doing it later in the evening, but then I had to go to sleep with wet hair.  Nor really that big of deal since I can just braid it, but it gets cold to sleep with wet hair when you have no heat.

Another very bad week at work.  People are just not buying much furniture at this point.  It is going to get worse with these high gas prices.  That is the time that can be pinpointed that the sales really started to drop.  When the prices shot up a few years back.  That was the turning point for me and the beginning of this whole affair for me.

I realize that it is better than nothing at all but it is not a livable wage.  Everyone else I work with is married so they have another income to help them out.  But I am thinking that people are going to start looking for other employment.  Most of them have had a long time with the company and have some sort of pension plan that they want to qualify for and have stayed put for that reason.  One is only one year away, so I can't imagine she will leave.  It doesn't make sense for her to.  She will lose so much in the long run.  I don't know how long the others are away.  I never really paid much attention to the pension plan anyway since I didn't plan on staying that long.  I no longer qualify for it since I only work part-time now in any event.  I am vested with my 401(k) but I stopped putting money into it a while ago.  I figure I needed the money more now then decades from now.  I withdrew as much as they allowed me to when I got rid of my car loan and bought a lesser expensive car.  I lost money on that transaction but I don't have that monthly payment so I thought I would come out ahead of the game.  I realize now that buying an expensive car is stupid.  But I guess that was just my age and wanting to have something nice.  I can't imagine I will do that again.  I am finding out buying an inexpensive used car isn't such a grand idea either, but a new less expensive model is where I think I would go in the future.

I contacted some people about doing that tutoring for the citizenship test and I have not heard back yet.  I am hoping that will help keep my mind active and help pass the time.

I have a job interview early next week.  I have to do some research on the company so I have some good questions to ask.  I don't even know if that is true, but everyone tells you must do that to get the job.  So I do it.

I need to go to Walmart today or tomorrow.  I am out of some supplies.  I need toothpaste, talc, and deodorant.  I guess I should buy some different shampoo to help with my dry scalp.  But I think that may be more money than I need to spend right now.  I have plenty from when I used to be a Costco member so I don't like spending money on things when I don't need to.

Have a good day all.

Saturday

I went to a movie last night to quell some of the boredom.  I went to see The Vow.  For some strange reason I thought it was going to have some comedy in it.  While it did have a small amount, it was really a drama.  It was OK.  Not something that was really worth the price of ticket.  I also stayed to watch Safe Room.  That was a good movie.  Many twists and turns.  More violence than necessary, but most action movies do.

When this is over and I am back on my feet, I am going to buy some movie tickets online and not go to make up for the double dipping I have done.  It was very windy last night, much colder than expected.  So having a warm place to stay last night was a good move.  I didn't expect it to be as cold as it was when I left the movies.  I was not dressed well for the walk I had back to my car.  But I lived.

It was snowing when I woke up this morning.  That I didn't expect.  It seems that a cold front has arrived and I am not prepared for it.  I have layers on now so I will fine for today and tonight.  It is going to much colder tonight then it has been in quite some time.  I don't want to spend the money on a hotel so I guess I will go to the shelter if I need to.  I will decide that later.  But it is really only tonight.  The rest of the week should be fine.

I am looking into doing some tutoring for people who are getting ready to take the citizenship test.  I helped someone when I was in college so I am thinking I should do it again.  I got paid for it the last time I did it.  But that was a different state.  This just may be a volunteer thing here.  Either way, it will keep me occupied and I could always use the extra money.  I had fun doing it before.  I took a few government classes in college.  I think I can brush up on it in a short period of time.

Tuesday

Sometimes people send me emails asking me questions.  The most recent asked me why I don't post everyday if I have nothing to do.  The reason I don't is that I feel like I repeat myself all the time.  Not much happens in my life so I don't really have a great deal to say.

How many times can I write how tired I am?  I think I write that in every post.  People must be sick of reading it.   So that would be the reason that I don't post everyday. I would bore you to tears.

I keep track of the weather reports and I look at a ten day forecast every day.  How insane is that I am all excited because it is going to be 45 overnight later this week?  I am mean how many of you think that sleeping without heat in 45 degree weather is something to look forward to?

Not only that, to me that means that I can sleep without socks and shoes on.  If anyone told me a year ago that I would be sleeping without anything on my feet at that temperature I would have thought them to be insane.  But here we are.

I read a very troubling article this morning.  Unemployment is showing signs of ticking up again.  See I was hoping that since the February numbers were good that it wasn't just the holiday season that made the numbers go down.  I wonder if they will use that "shrinkage" again to make the numbers sound better than what they are.  I wouldn't put it past this dumb ass president to do that.  I honestly don't blame him for my problems, but what I do think is that he has not done enough to help.  Especially when you consider he would prefer to pretend that people like me don't exist.

I don't use drugs.  I don't drink very much.  I am not mentally ill.  I have a job.  I shouldn't be homeless yet I am.  He doesn't want to acknowledge that I exist.  But alas, I do.

Sunday

I am feeling very down tonight.  I am not sure why.  I feel like I need to lie down and cry for a few hours.  Of course, I can't really do that, but I get this feeling it may make me feel better to get it out. 

I have been having bad stress headaches lately.  I can tell that they are stress induced because of where the pain is.  Stress related headaches are very predictable in location.  I am not someone who is prone to headaches, so it is pretty obvious why I have it. 

I seem to go through phases where emotionally I do fine and then I feel like I am falling apart a short time later.  I would think it is normal under my current set of circumstances.  I am low on food supplies, I don't have much money without dipping into my savings.  My paychecks are not something that I can remotely live on.  Once I pay all my bills I don't have much left.  My car insurance payments increased, my taxes increased, my storage unit increased, my phone bill remained the same, but I have few minutes and less options.  I don't use the phone all that much so it won't really effect me.  I should consider myself lucky that they didn't increase the costs.  I have the least expensive phone coverage you can have.  I only pay $26 per month. 

I was able to wash my hair yesterday so that made me feel better.  I have not taken a full shower in a week, but I have cleaned myself daily.  I have a great deal of clean clothes.  Which is a relief because I don't have much money to spend doing laundry.  It isn't much, I can do a great deal with $6.50, but that is less money I have for food.  It all adds up. 

My stress is coming from having to use money from my savings.  The more I use from the savings the longer this will continue.  I try as hard as I can to spend as little as I can.  I eat inexpensive foods most of the time.  I do try and eat one good meal every week with a full array of foods to get protein and the vitamins I need.  I ran out of vitamin supplements a few months back and I have decided not to spend the money on them. 

I am getting prepared to spend money on allergy medication.  Ever since moving down here I get spring time allergies.  I guess I am still not used to the different trees and things compared to where I grew up.  That stuff is very expensive.  Even if you get the store brand.  In the past I have to take it for two months.  With it being a warm winter we are going to have an early spring I would think.  At least in terms of flowers. 

I just want my life back. 

Saturday

Work is just getting worse and worse.  One day earlier this week only $2000 was sold for the entire day and there were $900 in cancellations.  There is little point in staying at all.  I can feel free to get another part time job and not worry about being forced to quit this one in order to accept it. 

I can't imagine that they will keep the furniture section for all that much longer if these sales keep up this way.  You keep hearing things that the economy is showing signs of improvement.  Well, not from where I stand. 

I am down to very little money and not much hope of more coming in anytime soon.  But, I have been through this before and got through it and I will get through it again.  I try hard to stay positive.  Some days that is easier than others.  I didn't sell much at all today.  It was dismal, to be honest.  One of the two weeks for the pay period was OK,  the other week was awful.  I lost almost half my sales to cancellations, and one return due to damages.  The customer decided not to re-order and wanted their money back.  Not that I blame them, but it sure hurts me. 

This is a holiday weekend, too.  It should have been busy.  No such luck.  I think I should be fine because the forecast has the temperature higher than it did a few days back. 

It is too early to try and sleep, but I sure am tired. 

Wednesday

I am feeling very tired today.  I slept well last night, so I am not sure why.  I guess it is the same old story about the lack of stimulation.  I have said many times this is the hardest part of being homeless.  They have what they call drop in centers for the homeless during the daytime hours.  At first I didn't understand why.  Now I know this is the reason.  The loneliness is very damaging over time.  I would think that you would also start to lose the ability to communicate with others over time.  I am lucky in the respect that I have to deal with people when I am at work. 

But you have to imagine when people know that you are homeless, they really don't speak to you anymore.  So even places that I go to regularly the people don't speak to me unless they have to.  This just leads to more feelings of isolation.

Oh, some good news.  The person who helped me months ago get to my storage space found a job!!!  Good for her.  It doesn't pay all that great, but it will help her get back on her feet.  It only pays $11 per hour, not a great wage.  But, if she is careful with her money she will be able to find a small room to rent and be OK.  I had not realized that she was so much older than I am.  She was telling me that she was getting to the point that she would have to file for early social security.  She didn't want to do that because it lessens the amount you get monthly.  Now she can hold off until she qualifies for the higher wage.  I don't know the ages for that kind of thing.  It is pretty far off for me, and lets be honest social security won't be around for people in my age range anyway.  I am on my own.  So I guess I am practicing for that now. 

She also had some serious health issues in December.  They found blood clots all through her legs and one was in her lungs when she was rushed to the hospital.  She was intensive care for a week or so.  She will be on medication for quite a while.  Some sort of blood thinner or something.  You have to remember when you are homeless and sleeping in a car, you are not getting a great deal of exercise and you don't full stretch out when you are sleeping.  She is shorter than I am so it may be a bit easier for her, but I sleep all curled up.  I have noticed that I have leg cramps often.  I walk as much as I can, but I have felt a difference since my gym membership lapsed. 

Well I am next for the job!!!  Soon.  I feel it. 

Monday

I have had no internet access for the past three days.  It has been very cold the past few nights, too cold to sleep in the car.  I didn't even make the attempt.  But the rest of this week should be fine.  The right layers and sleep will come. 

I still have not heard back from either of the two jobs I interviewed for, but I was able to find a few more things to send out a resume to.  So that is good.  Sooner or later something will work itself out. 

In the meantime I am starting to look for another part time job and that will at least tide me over until a better full time position comes along.  Believe it or not, this is proving just as difficult.  People don't like hiring people who just want to supplement another part time position.  I don't fully understand why.  How is it their business what I am doing when I am not at their workplace? 

I went to a job fair earlier in the week.  I am not sure how helpful that will be since much of it was for summer internships.  I can't afford to be a free intern. 

My toe is feeling much better finally.  I have a few nights of wearing no socks so that has helped. 

Wednesday

I have not heard back from either interview that I had last week.  Maybe I am being inpatient, but in my circumstances I can't really be blamed for that. 

Someone is taking me to a job fair later this week.  I am not sure how that will go, but I am not going to turn my nose up, especially since this also involves a free hotel room for three nights.  She is renting the room for herself for and said I could share the room with her.  It is much further to my job, but I don't care.  I will not turn down a good nights sleep. 

Saturday night is supposed to be in the low 20's.  So is Sunday, but at least I will have a place to sleep one of the nights.  A shower, a bed, no bra or socks.  What could be better? 

Work improved a little this week.  I had one busy day.  I will take it since I didn't have any busy days with the previous pay period.  My paycheck is a source of amusement. 

Sunday

The Superbowl is due to start in a few minutes.  I don't have anywhere to go and watch it.  I like watching the commericals.  I also like watching who sings the National Anthem.  I didn't even try and find out who was going to be performing today.  I think I saw somewhere that Madonna is doing the halftime show.  You would think after what happened with Janet Jackson some years back that the last person they would want is Madonna.  She is barely dressed on a good day.  I do remember dancing around to her music when I was in elementary school.  But my parents wouldn't let me dress like her or anything.  I doubt they would have given me a cd of hers either.  But I don't remember. 

It is cold and damp tonight and since it is Sunday and everything closes early that is not fun.  The positive was that they changed the original forecast from an ice storm to just rain.  At least I have that.  I am so tired again today.  But it is just boredom that makes me so tired.  I don't have the money to go anywhere. 

I was thinking that since I have been very good with my money this pay period I may try and find a sports bar to go and watch the game.  But since I fell asleep a while ago I am a little late for that now I guess. 

But I have to go root for the hometeam.  Well, almost hometeam.  My state doesn't have any major professional teams so Boston is as good as it gets.  I guess I should start looking at the teams here now, but I have never taking a liking to them.  Especially the basketball team, they deserve to stink. 

I am hoping to get to sleep early tonight.  I have a busy week coming up.  I have something to do every day this week.  That has not happened for me in a long time.  It really helps when I am occupied, not just to pass the time, but to keep my mind active.

You get used to sleeping in a car.  You get used to the weather elements.  You get used to sponge baths and not great meals.  But you don't get used to the loneliness and isolation. 

Friday

I think this is one of the first times that I left a job interview without any idea of how it went.  It seemed fine.  I did some research on the organization beforehand and my list of questions was at the ready.  The conversation went smoothly.  I made no major faux pas that I am aware of. 

When I left I was given a nice handshake and a smile.  But they didn't say when they would making a decision or you will hear from so and so.  I have no idea if I will hear from them again or not.  It sounds like an interesting position, different than what I am used to, but that is a good thing I think. 

But, on the up side after leaving there I noticed a voicemail and it was an impromptu phone interview.  So, I had two interviews in one week.  I have not had that since I lost my job.  So I am taking that as a good sign that things are starting to turn around in the industry.  Which is a good sign for everyone because advertising departments are almost always the last to be hired back after a recession. 

I sent out three more resumes this week.  So if I hear back from even one I will be happy.  Again this is the most I sent out at one time in quite while.  The positions were just not there, but they are popping up more and more now. 

I still have that issue with my toe.  It doesn't seem to be healing at all.  But it is not getting any worse either.  I have been able to sleep without shoes most of this week.  I even slept without socks the other night.  Although, I will admit I should have had shoes on last night.  My feet were quite cold when I woke up this morning.  All and all I slept pretty well which is nice. 

It is going to be cold on Sunday night with ice.  But I just don't have the extra money for a hotel room so I will go back to the shelter I guess.  I need to be very careful how I spend my money with so much less coming in. 

I need to get to the food bank later this week for some cereal and maybe some fruit or granola bars.  The bars help fill me up when I can't afford to buy a good sized meal.  I also need some peanut butter for the protein.  I don't exactly like peanut butter all that much, especially without some jam, but even with the fat it is healthy for me.

But I do know this is getting closer to being over.  My biggest hurdle is almost behind me.  It is just a matter of waiting for some paperwork at this point.  That makes it easier to get through.  I just need to keep saving as much money as I can so when I find a more reliable source of income I can find a cheap room to rent.  I don't want to sign a long term lease, but that is really the least of my worries at this point.

Monday

I am very tired tonight, but am unable to go to sleep at the moment.  I am having issues with where I usually sleep tonight.  I hope it doesn't last much longer because I really can't keep my eyes opened.  I am still having some problems with my feet.  Well, one toe in particular.  There is some sort of sore on it and no matter what I do I can't get it to start healing. I guess I need to get back to the clinic I went to earlier and have them look at it. 

I am very stressed about not having very many hours at work anymore.  But I should know better than to get myself all worked up.  Under the circumstances the best thing I can do is keep moving forward.  I have that job interview later this week.  I am looking forward to that.  I hope you will all keep your fingers crossed for me. 

It is going to be a good week sleeping wise, too.  The temperatures are not due to get very cold.  I have been very lucky with the mild winter so far.  I remember last winter when I knew that homelessness was inevitable and wondering how I would survive the cold.  Last winter there were many days that never got above freezing and the temperatures at night went into the single digits.  So far there has been only one night in the teens.  I was able to find a warm place to sleep that night.  I have had only one night where it was just too cold for me to sleep in.  I stayed in a diner all night.  I tried to sleep, but just couldn't do it. 

Most nights I am able to fall asleep quite easily and sleep for at least four or five hours.  Of course, that isn't really enough, but I have somehow made it work.  I found a place to nap in during the day if I have to.  So, unless I have to work the next day I do fine. 

Right now my biggest worry is going to be money.  With me making so little at work I have to be even more careful about how I spend it.  So the $1 menu at McDonald's is going to be utilized often. 

Thursday

Good news and bad news.  My paycheck is not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  So that is good news, but the bad news is as I suspected, they have cut my hours again.  The sales have been terrible.  They are not allowed to tell us exactly how many hours are cut and how they are going to cut them up. But I am working one less shift next week.

I am lucky that the day that they cut is the slowest of the ones I work.  So I won't be missing all that much, but still.

I was really upset about it yesterday.  I am still am.  I was really feeling that this was almost over for me, but I am feeling unsure of that again.  But I do have a job interview next week.  It will be a decent paying position as well.  I may even be able to move back into my apartment as long as I get a roommate that is reliable with paying the bills on time.  But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself yet.  I have to pray that it works out.

I slept pretty well last night.  I should tonight as well.  This is going to be the least cold nights of the week.  I am going to sleep in just my socks tonight to help care for my feet.  The look better for a bit, then they go back to looking sickly again after a few days.  I think the only real solution is to have a real home to sleep in so I can care for them properly, so I will do the best that I can between now and then.

Sunday and Monday nights are going to be cold.  I can't afford a hotel room for two nights so I will have to see what I will do about that.  I try to not think too far ahead in case something else happens between now and then.

I really need to take a shower.  I have been giving myself sponge baths, but I feel kind of grimy.  I saw an ad for a gym that only charges $20 per month with no sign up fee.  I am sure there are limitations but I could care less about working out right now, I really just want to use the shower a few times a week.

Tuesday

I slept pretty well last night.  I was very tired and went to sleep much earlier than I normally do thinking that since it wasn't that cold out I would take advantage of it.  I still can't really sleep long periods in my car.  I wake up after a few hours.  But since I wasn't cold I was able to go back to sleep.  So I feel pretty good today.  More awake than I normally feel in the mornings.

I have not a decent meal all week, so since I have spent my money wisely this week I am going to splurge a little on a good meal.  I think I will have some soup and salad.  I don't always get to eat vegetables.  So this will be a bit of treat as well as healthier than what I have been eating for the past week.

There is this place that has a special on pizza's on Monday nights and I figured I could really get anything else that filling for that cheap.  That was the greasiest pizza I have had in my life.  My stomach was bothering me afterwards, which is really saying something that with all the junk I eat it bothered my stomach.

I also think I am going to go to McDonald's and get a cup of orange juice.  That is something else that I can't afford on a regular basis.  I probably won't because I still have four days until I get paid.  Also, my paycheck won't be much at all since the sales have just been horrible.

The weather is going to be good until Sunday night.  That will be the problem night.  The rest of the week will be good for sleeping.  I am always grateful for the warmer nights, or more accurately the nights that aren't so cold.  Tomorrow night I may even be able to sleep without shoes on.  Which will be good for my feet.  I noticed some skin grossness again this morning, but not nearly as much as I had.  So I still need to be very careful.  I am not able to soak them, but I washed them as thoroughly as I could with warm water.  I dried them thoroughly and patted them down in talc.  So they should be good.  I will check them again this afternoon and see if I need to get some warm water on them again.  I have enough talc and another pair of clean socks with me, so I should be good.

I will tell you, when this is over it will be a long time before I eat something off the McDonald's dollar menu.

Sunday

As predicted I wasn't able to get much sleep last night, 4 or possibly 5 hours.  I woke up about 5 am and was too cold to go back to sleep.  I had decided not to go to a movie and that was a good thing, because I would have gotten even less sleep.  I figured I would go the movie tonight when everything closes early tonight anyway.

It will be warmer, well not warmer, but not as cold overnight so I should get more sleep than I did last night.  Also I can take a pretty long nap during the day tomorrow.  That is much harder for me to do on a Sunday, not impossible but hard.

I do have to say I slept very soundly.  I remember having a dream.  That was the first dream that I remember since this all started.  I am normally someone who has very vivid dreams.  But not since this has started.  I am sure that I have had dreams, but I have no memory of them, and that is not the norm for me.

So I guess that I got some good REM sleep is a plus.  But I am so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes opened.  But falling asleep where I am is not possible.  So I will have to wait until this afternoon to try and catch a nap.

I am very hungry, but my money is very limited between today and Friday so I must be careful.  I had something small for breakfast so I have to wait until lunch.  But it is hard to have a set routine about eating when your sleeping patterns are so unusual.

Well I am going to take a walk in the still cold morning air to wake myself up.

Saturday

I didn't realize I have been gone so long.  Time flies.

I survived my first homeless snow and ice storm.  Luckily it was not so bad.  The temperature when I woke up was just under 30 so I was able to sleep pretty well.  My feet were a little cold when I woke up, but outside of that I was fine.  Tonight will be much trickier.  It is due to go down to the mid twenties.  If, and only if, you can fall asleep very quickly and you are properly dressed, you will sleep for at least a few hours.  But falling asleep quickly is not so easy.  You are not exactly comfortable in a car.  Since I have to work tonight, I can't get to a shelter in a timely fashion and I am on my own.  If I have to, I will grab a book and cup of tea in an all night diner and then try to sleep tomorrow during the day.  I have a place I can go to, but it doesn't open until later in the day, but there is nothing else I can do.  I am going to see a very late movie so when I am done I will be really tired.

I have come across another new homeless person.  She seems to be like me.  She has on very nice clothes, has a computer and phone (much fancier than mine).  I don't know her story and I probably never will, but she sleeps in very public places.  Much more brazen about it than I have been.  I, at least, try to subtle about it all.  There are also two other women both of Asian descent that I see all the time.  I think both are homeless as well.  One sleeps in a very public place, the other I just run into some mornings using this public restroom.  It isn't that, but how she washes herself up in the restroom that is a little off and makes me think that she is homeless too.  I guess I am getting a radar for the homeless around me in a way I have never had in the past.

Work has been terrible lately.  I won't be a bit surprised if I lose this job completely.  The sales are next to nothing.  I am hoping that since today is Saturday, I will have a decent day, but I am not holding my breath.  I don't remember it being this bad in January in the past.  I hope that I am wrong, and this is just the normal ebb and flow of the sales.

Oh, I guess I should give an update on my feet.  They are better.  I can tell that already.  The skin is peeling off them badly, but I think (I could easily be wrong) that is a sign of health.  The skin that was damaged is going away and fresher skin will replace it.  I have not allowed them to stay wet since this has all happened.  I change my socks at least twice every day, I use a great deal of powder in my socks to help absorb any moisture.  I am keeping my boot wearing down, and trying to wear my sneakers and another pair of boots that are not lined as often as possible.

I am just very grateful that Mr/Ms Deekaman told me about the problem, otherwise I think it could have been much  worse, so thank you.

Tuesday

I had to go back to the nurse I saw the other day today.  They gave me another voucher to stay in a hotel for another night.  They told me my feet need to heal.  The skin is damaged from all the sweating from wearing boots all the time.  They are also really itchy.

It is nice to have a bed and all that.  But I only have until tomorrow morning here and my feet aren't better.  So I will have to be more careful about them.  I will need to make sure that I am changing my socks as often as I can.  I admit that part of it had been laziness.  It just isn't easy to pull off all the layers that I wear when it is cold.  I stopped wearing tights when I was sleeping because they kept digging into my toes.  I can't find seamless tights.  I am not sure that they make them.  They make them in panty hose, but not tights.

They are still a little red, but they look much better than they did two days ago.  The skin looks more or less normal, but they are very dry.  I soaked them three times today.  They don't smell anymore!!  That is something.

I also washed out my bras too.  I find it so freeing to not have to wear a bra for a few days.  I am a little too curvy to get away without wearing one out in public.

It will be warm enough to sleep most of this week.  The only night that may be hard is Wednesday.  But some nights are supposed to be in the forties.  I may be able to sleep in just socks.  Which will help with my feet.  I am going to have to start wearing my sneakers during the day, and put on my boots only on really cold days and to sleep in.  That should help with the sweating.

It is strange, because I never had sweaty feet before except on really hot summer days.  So I don't know why I am having this problem now.

The hotel I am in isn't that nice, but it is free, so I shouldn't complain.  I looked it up online and it is very inexpensive, so I guess that is why they have vouchers for it.  But one would think that the state would have some kind of standards of being sanitary.  I suppose the reason that they don't have to update them is that they get filled up anyway.  It seems like I am not the only person in financial need here.

I took a very long nap this afternoon so now I can't sleep and I need to.  I don't want to start out tomorrow being tired.  I need to sleep soundly when I have the chance.

Oh, they also gave me the name of dentist that will clean my teeth.  I have missed that.  I really need to get a good cleaning since I have not had one in quite a while.  I think I have a cavity too.  I have tried very hard to keep my teeth clean and brush often.  But I have not eaten well in about a year and I think that may have some effect.

Well I am going to try and sleep for the rest of the night.  I need to soak my feet at least one more time before I go.

Saturday

I have decided that I am going to need a foot transplant after this is over.  The skin on my feet doesn't even look human anymore.  I can't even describe how gross it is.  There is nothing that I can do about it, because I need to wear the heavy boots to stay warm, but they get very sweaty when I am inside.  I can't carry around my boots everywhere.  I guess I could, but it isn't very practical.  They also just smell so bad too.  It is just plain gross.

I am also just so tired all the time.  You just can't sleep that long when it is this cold.  I only get maybe four or five hours a night.  That just isn't enough.  I won't be able to go anywhere to take a nap until Tuesday because of the MLK holiday on Monday.  The place I go to for naps will be closed.

But I have figured out some things about myself during this process.  I have realized that I am hearty.  I have survived this much to my own amazement.  I have learned that you can sleep without a blanket.  Something I didn't think it was possible until you try to sleep in a car when it is 80 degrees at 2 a.m..  I realized that you can sleep in a car when it is 25 degrees out if you layer your clothes properly.  I have realized I can sleep through hearing trucks emptying out dumpsters.  I don't even wake up at it anymore.

I have figured out how to keep yourself clean when you don't have access to a shower.  I have learned to realize my own company is not so bad.  I have figured out that you can still keep your pride when others look at you as someone who doesn't deserve respect.  I have also realized that pride sometimes gets in your way.

I have figured out how to fill yourself up with very limited funds.  But I think the most important thing I have figured out was how not to lose hope even when things are bad and it feels like it won't get better.  It will get better.  You just have to keep working at it and moving forward.

This isn't over yet, but I am getting closer.  I got an email today and my federal income tax will file on Tuesday, so that is going to be a huge help to me and give me the ability to get over my biggest hurdle that I am facing.  I should also be able to get most, if not all, of my car repairs done.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and brighter.