Monday, July 11, 2011

Monday - Part 2

I would think that some of you are wondering why I don't ask family for help.  I wish that I could, but it isn't possible.  Both of my parents were dead before I finished high school.  My mom was gone when I was 7 and my dad followed 9 years later.  My dad was an only child and older when he met and married my mom.  His only family is an aunt of his.  I will call her Aunt Bessie.  I picked that because it sounds soothing.  She is soothing.  When my dad was killed she wanted to take us, but due to her age and health issues the state felt it was best that she didn't and they put us into foster care.  Bessie is the sweetest woman I know.  I love her dearly. 

I have a twin brother.  He is nothing but trouble.  It wasn't always that way, but he just couldn't cope after we lost our dad, they were very close.  He got involved with meth and has never looked back.  He is in and out of jail and rehab.  But somehow he just keeps going back to his addiction.  He cannot or will not get that monkey off his back.  Bessie blames herself.  She shouldn't.  He makes his own choices and  he never fails to make the wrong ones.  But, somehow he always lands on his feet to cheat and lie to Bessie another day.  Bless her heart, she can't say no to him.  But I learned that lesson quite a while ago.  If he would make a real effort to improve his life I would do anything to help him, but he hasn't hit bottom yet I guess.  So I don't speak to him. 

That is why Bessie has no idea of what is going on with me.  She knows that I lost my job and I am working in a furniture store.  But she has no idea how bad my finances are.  I don't have the heart to tell her, because I know she can't help me.  She lives in assisted living now and lives on her pension and social security.  She doesn't have any extra.  If I tell her she will just worry about me and I can't do that to her, she has been through enough over the years. 

My mom came from a good sized family.  My mom was born into a conservative Jewish family that is very old fashioned.  Her wanting to go to college became a big deal in her family.  Her parents didn't see the reason for a woman to get an education.  She was to marry a nice Jewish boy and raise nice Jewish children according to her parents.  Well, my mom had other ideas.  She went away to college and met my dad.  An older professor who wasn't Jewish.  When my mom told her family that she was going to marry my dad, they turned her back on her.  They never spoke to her again.  It wasn't so much that my dad was older it was more that he was a Christian and my mom was going to convert to Christianity and raise her children as Christians.  That was something that they couldn't get over. I have never met them.  They didn't come to mom's funeral and when they were contacted about my dad's death and the fact that we needed guardians for two years they said no. I have since read the file and they said that since we were strangers anyway it would be best to keep us in the same state so we didn't have so much radical change. A likely story as far as I am concerned.  I have no desire to meet them.  I do hold a grudge.  I don't remember my mom perfectly, but I remember enough to know that she loved her family very much.  She was a great mom while we had her.  She had a great laugh and an amazing smile.  I remember sitting in bed with her when she was sick and her making jokes. 

So that is my family as it is. 

As for friends, my really close friends all live back east.  None of which have much money.  Most are married now and some have kids.  They live paycheck to paycheck so I can't ask them as it would be too much of a burden on them.  There isn't much work there so going back wouldn't be the best of ideas.  I considered it, but realized I am more likely to find a job here.  I have (or had) some friends here.  But they were the kind of friends you met up with to have a cocktail or go to brunch or some other event.  We give each other a peck on the cheek, gossip for an hour or two and then go back to our own lives.  It suited me fine at the time.  I was always either working or hanging with my ex boyfriend so it worked for me then.  They are not the type of people I can call when I am trouble.  The reason I believe this is because when I started having a real problem with finances and couldn't make brunch anymore not one of them ever offered to pay for me or anything like that.  So things just faded away.  I ran into one of them a few months back and it was a strange experience.  She did ask if I found a full time job yet and when I said no, she just changed the subject.  There was no real interest in how I was doing.  So,  there is no way I feel comfortable in asking them for assistance.  To be honest, if you had put this scenario to me four years ago, I am not sure I would have done all that much to help either. 

On to my ex.  We will call him Dickie.  I met Dickie in college.  We both went to school in Boston.  We were at different schools and met at a party that I attended on his campus.  I wanted to stay in the Boston area.  I wanted to be close to Bessie.  But, he was offered a job here and we moved down here.  I found a job pretty quickly then.  I honestly didn't think it was that great of a job at the time, but I wanted to do well.  I had initially thought I would stay for two years and then look for something better.  Dickie was supposed to have the "dream" job.  He was going to rise to the top.  Well, it turns out to be exactly opposite of what happened.  I got promoted three times in four years and was making a very good salary.  Dickie was pretty much stuck in the same position.  After my second promotion, things between Dickie and I became very strained.  I am not saying that my success was the only reason that we broke up, but it was part of it.  He couldn't handle me doing better than he did.  Especially after I bought our apartment.  We rented it for the first year and then I bought it on my own.  I still had some of the money left over from my dad.  I didn't need his help to get the mortgage.  He started paying rent to me.  He moved out very shortly thereafter.  He and I still can't have a conversation that lasts more than five minutes that doesn't turn into an argument.  He is living with someone else now, so asking him for some aid is out of the question. 

So, that leaves me to my own devices.  While this may sound strange, I think that I have done a good job.  I am not in any danger of losing my apartment.  It is safely rented and it pays for itself.  I have been able to keep a good credit rating through this.  I am proud of that.  I was told that if I wait another six months or so I should be able to sell for at least what I owe and maybe make a small profit.  Right now, I am underwater and selling would be a mistake at this time.  But the housing market here is improving, slowly, but improving all the same.  I am hoping that I can put it on the market in January.  I was thinking of putting it on the market now and just not accepting any offers until it paid the mortgage off, but two realtors told me that it doesn't work that way, and it will be harder to sell when the market does improve.  Since I really don't know that much about realty I will take their word for it and wait until January.  I am hoping that I will have job by then so that it won't be necessary, but if not, that will be my option.


  1. Wanted to check in with you in the hopes that you've come out of your down. Thanks for the acknoledgement of the note I posted the other day. Wanted to give you a word of encouragement that I think might be uplifting,here goes;
    But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable,gentle, easy to entreated,full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.
    And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace. KJV. James chpt.3-vrs17 and 18.Keep in mind Jesus Himself was homeless and barely owned the clothes on His back, so you have an advocate who cares for you. Hang in there dear you will go far! Take care till next time!

  2. You have been gotten through things that could have destroyed most people, you will get through this. You are amazing, I think you are very smart. People talk about the American ideals of 'rugged individualism' and self reliance, well, you exemplify it. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with so many sad and tragic things and at such a young age, but I am in awe of your strength and fortitude. Most people facing your current situation would not have the foresight to keep the car, rent out the home, or pay the phone bill, they would likely have panicked and sold all for quick bucks which would have quickly gone away and then there would be no assets to help them later. I think your ability to plan ahead even in crisis will serve you well throughout your life and a company would do well to have someone like you on their team. You would make a good consultant or CEO.
    Keep blogging, you are a great writer, and you can also use your blog to earn a little bit of money too. You can host ads at your blog and earn commissions from sales generated by the ads. I do Google adsense & have an Amazon store, but those haven't paid a whole lot. I just signed on to be an affiliate with LinkShares and it looks pretty promising. If you visit my blogs, you'll see that I have ads all over them, some are ones that I made myself for up front payment from the people I made them for, but most are ones that I'll get a commission from, anywhere from 5-25%, if people click from my place and shop at those businesses. It's pretty easy to do & free to join. Blogger has a good platform that makes it easy to add these things in the top, bottom, & side margins of your blog.
    If you think you'd like to do what I'm doing & need any tech help, or have any questions about it, you can email me here:
    I know a few ways you can increase your blog traffic too, which would help you earn more from those ads as well.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers & I look forward to the day when I read that things are better for you, because they will get better and I know it.

  3. Ms. Zilla:
    I don't know one single person who hasn't had their share of bad times. We all have them. My dad taught me to deal with the bad and to accept the good. That was his favorite saying to me when I was growing up.

    I am hoping that I don't have this blog too long so I don't see the point of adding advertising. But thanks for the advice.

    I never considered not having a car. I initially had a more expensive car that I sold at a loss, but I tell you it was a good decision because there is no way I could have afforded the additional insurance costs and the note. I knew this was coming for almost a year, so I knew that I would need a car.

    My former landlady used to make statements about me selling my car, but I would just ignore her. I understood she wanted her rent, but I was not going to put myself into a position that I had nothing. You are correct, I would have run out of that money after a few months. So it just seemed like the best thing to do.