Saturday

I have had a very good week at work so far, and tomorrow/today promises to be even better.  That is if everyone that is supposed to show up and make a purchase really does.  This next paycheck will be the largest that I have gotten in more than a year.  That makes me happy.  It won't solve my problems, but it will help. 

I have a funny story to tell.  I have told you about creepy guy.  Well, he is still homeless and I saw him early the other morning.  I needed to use the ladies room and was going into a restaurant for that purpose.  When I saw him there (hitting on some poor unsuspecting girl) I decided not to go in.  Luckily he did not see me.  Since my car can go short distances now I decided to go to another place down the road.  Someone was in that ladies room for a very long time.  I waited for close to ten minutes.  I couldn't hold it anymore, so I just found a more secluded location in a parking area behind a store.  Disgusting, I know.  But this is only  the first time that I have gone outside. I used to camp often when I was a little girl.  I did not remember how tricky it really is for a woman to go outside.  So, be careful where you put your feet ladies.  I was able to get away clean.  Ok, maybe others won't think it is funny, but I did.  It doesn't take much to amuse me anymore I guess. 

Someone hit my car today.  Luckily there wasn't any real damage, just a little paint.  But the lady wasn't even going to stop.  I guess she didn't see me in the car, she just started to drive away.  I guess I should have tried the old whiplash trick, but it wouldn't be worth the effort I suppose. 

I am going to have round two of getting my car fixed on Monday or Tuesday.  I have to wait for the part to arrive.  With a bigger paycheck coming soon, I may be able to get the fan and switch fixed very soon as well.  What a relief.  I think some of my depression lately is coming from the fact that I can't get to many places easily.  I go to all the same places and eat the exact same food all the time.  Not that I have money to go anywhere really, but just to be able to take a drive that is beyond a few miles again would be nice. 

I still have not picked up my warmer clothes yet.  I need to do that soon.  But with the new car part I should be able to do that no later than Wednesday.  Another big relief.  Because taking a taxi to do that would easily cost me a hundred dollars.  The other homeless woman who said she would help has not been around lately.  She met some guy who is also homeless and she seems to be spending some time with him.  The job that she found didn't work out.  So is back to having no income at all.  At least I have something coming in.  I am not living a life of luxury, obviously, but I have food and the things that I really need.  My expectations are very low these days. 

Well I am going to get something to eat.  I didn't have time for dinner earlier because I worked later than normal tonight and had to take a later bus back to my car. 

Have a good night (or morning I guess now) all. 

Tuesday

I am very very tired today.  I have been for the past few days. I am not sure why, maybe it is the change in the weather, or maybe it is just the tension of living this way.  Although I am coming to the conclusion that it is really more boredom than anything else.

A few days ago I was speaking about mental illness and the homeless.  Well, the boredom of trying to fill all the hours of the days gets very monotonous to say the least.  There are only so many walks you can take, so many free newspapers you can read.  I am very short on money on this week as well since I had to get my car partially fixed last week.  I am grateful that the car is movable again.  I can't go far, but at least I can move it.  That is progress at least.  The repair guy was supposed to tell me how much the hose was to be fixed, but when I called he had already left for the day and when I picked it up all it said was mechanic noticed hose leaking.  He noticed it because I pointed it out to him. 

Anyway, I am going to back on Thursday to get the price to get that portion fixed.  I will still have to have the gauge and the fan fixed, but it will at least be more drivable to get my heavier clothes.  I am getting a break that the weather has gotten a bit warmer again.  So I can make do with the clothes that I have. 

I also found a website that works with women in crisis that looks promising.  I am going there tomorrow or the next day.  I am not sure I will have the time with my work schedule to make it tomorrow.  I should have a good day in sales tomorrow.  I had some people who filled out all the paperwork over the weekend, but the sale was much better this week and since I didn't want to lose the sale, I gave them a heads up.  They were very thankful that I can save them some money, and I will get a good sale.  Works for all involved. 

Luckily I have not seen the creepy guy again since my last posting.  I am sure that I will run into him again, but I hope it won't be for a while.  But, I have decided that if he bothers me again, I will tell him that I will call the police if he continues to bother me.  Not that I really would, because I would rather stay away from the attention of the cops, but he doesn't know that. 

I am really hungry today.  I don't have much money for food for the next few days, but I do have some supplies.  So I should be ok, I just won't be that filled up.  I will get by though.  There have been days in the past that have been much worse than this.  I am eating more than just bread, so all is good. 

I was hoping to get to sleep early tonight, but that doesn't look like it is in the cards, the place where I sleep is pretty filled up.  Oh well, this too shall pass. 

I hope all is well with you all, and have a good night. 

Sunday Part 2

If I was not already dealing with enough, now I have this creepy guy to contend with.  This man knows that I am homeless.  I believe that he is as well.  Or least he was.  He seems cleaner now, so maybe he has found a place to live.  Anyway - he has asked me out on a date, I told him no.  He asked me for my phone number, I told him no. He says that he can be a comfort to me.  I don't think so.  He gives me the creeps. 

Today I saw him and he asked me for a hug and I said no.  He seemed to get very offended and asked me why, and I told him that it makes me uncomfortable.  I was trying to get to a restroom when I ran into him and he seemed to get upset that I was leaving.  That is mostly what is making me uncomfortable.  He doesn't seem to understand boundaries.  The very last thing I need right now is to deal with this man.  My life is complicated enough without getting him involved. 

I know that I am probably creepy to some people since I am homeless.  I overheard this conversation between two medical students today and someone they know lives out of his car.  She was saying how disgusting it was.  Which in some ways it is, but for some people it is a necessary evil.  It is better than sleeping under a bridge.  I have seen that too recently.  But the point is that people are going to think that they way I am living at the moment is terrible and gross.  Which is why I guess no one who does know that I am homeless ever speaks to me.  Except this guy and the few people who leave comments on here.  Although there is that nice man who sometimes puts money in car.  He never really talks to me though.  He just sometimes gives me cash. 

I hope that I am just overreacting to this man, but I get this feeling that I am not.  He scares me. 

Sunday

My least favorite day of the week is here again. 

If you do any sort of research on the homeless population you will find that many of them are mentally ill.  I have been thinking that this may be a chicken or the egg kind of thing. 

One of the hardest things about being homeless is the lack of privacy.  The only privacy I have at all anymore is when I am in a public restroom in a stall.  Some of them are really tight and you can barely turn around in there.  Everything that I do is done in public.  In many cases I change my clothes in the car.  It sometimes just easier (I have gotten very good about changing my clothes discreetly) to do that than put your stuff in a bag and find a restroom that is not overly busy to change your clothes.  This is the reason that you sometimes see homeless people doing things they probably shouldn't be doing in public. 

Think about that for a second.  You have zero privacy.  Everything that you do is out in the open for all people to see or to hear.  Do the homeless start out like me and end up mentally ill, or are they homeless because they are mentally ill?  It is just something that I have been thinking about lately. 

Wednesday

Sorry I have not posted in a while.  I am going through another down phase.  I really don't like feeling this way, but sometimes it just can't be helped.  All the rain we had I am sure didn't help.  The weather has finally cleared up.  It felt like we need to build an ark or something. 

I found a note on my car saying I can't park it here all day and night, if I don't move it, I will get towed.  The worst thing that can happen.  I honestly don't know what I am going to do.  It won't start.  I have no problem getting it towed, my triple a membership will cover that.  I just don't have enough money to get it fixed.  I am short about $150.  Even that won't really fix it, but it will make it runnable so I can move it.  They don't seem to mind if I sleep here, but they need the parking space for during the day.  Which is totally understandable.  They have been very patient.  I am going to get it towed in the morning to the place I want to have it fixed at and see what happens from there.  I don't get paid again until a week from Friday. 

I really wish now I didn't close my credit card account, but I was scared I would use it and not be able to pay it off.  I figured it was worse for my credit to get behind on my payments than it was to not have a credit card.  I figure my mortgage payments keep my credit going and once I am working full time again, I will just reapply for another one. 

Things just keep getting harder and harder. 

Tuesday

I don't have all that much to say.  The weather has turned cold suddenly and I am not prepared for it.  I really need to get my clothes picked up.  The other homeless woman I met has agreed to take me to my storage unit.  So that will be nice.  I can't believe how suddenly it became fall.  I am sure we will have some warm days ahead, but it will be cold tonight.  Which really isn't all that bad for me since it is always warmer in the car.  It has been raining for more than 24 hours now.

The rain is hard because you can't open the windows in the car.  So it gets very stuffy.  But if you leave the window opened it will get moist and then will get a mildew smell.  With those two choices you have to take the stuffy right?  That lasts one or two nights, the mildew smell will linger for a while. 

I do have some good news at work, I will be getting an additional shift every other week.  Someone has a family issue that will take a few months to clear up, so that will help me out.  It also will make the help the time go by. 

I am hoping that this will make things better for me.  I am starting to feel like this will not be over for me before the winter comes.  I don't want to be spending the nights in a shelter.  They are not safe.  The problem is that most homeless people are either addicts or mentally ill.  So they won't think twice about threatening you or stealing from you.  It is strange, but my car is a safer place to sleep.  Also, I don't get out of work in time to get to the shelters.  You have to be there by a certain hour or they won't take you.  Most want you there before 7 and I work until at least 8 most nights.  So I don't know how I will deal with the cold weather. 

It is months away, so I can hope for a miracle between now and then.  Like I said, that woman I met has been homeless since January.  I was thinking about that today.  I remember thinking in the winter months how lucky I was that I could stave it off for a few months.  There were times that it wasn't above freezing for several days in a row.  That must really be hard.  Although I don't think she sleeps in her car every night.  She mentioned last night that she had to sleep in her car last night.  I took that as meaning that isn't always the case.  I guess she sleeps where she can, and when she can't find a place she sleeps in her car.  Sometimes I don't see her for days at a time.  I try not to be nosy, so I don't ask too many questions.  I am not comfortable answering personal questions, so I don't like asking others when I am not willing to do it myself. 

Anyway - I am off for the night.  I have a job fair to go to in the morning and I have to be there by 9.  I am normally still sleeping then, so I have to figure out a way to wake myself up. My phone alarm is not loud enough to wake me up. 

I guess I can call that lady to give me a wake up call.  Yeah, I should do that. 

Have a good night all.

Monday

It is so sticky out tonight that is hard to sleep.  I think I solved my problem about getting my winter clothes.  There is a woman that I have gotten to know over the past few months.  When I first met her I thought she was homeless too, but then I dismissed that idea.  Tonight she told me that she is homeless. 

She has been homeless since January.  Wow, that is a long time.  She did recently find a part time job.  It doesn't pay very well, but it is something at least.  Anyway - she has a working car.  She told me tonight that if I needed anything to let her know.  So I am going to ask her if she can drive me to my storage unit.  I will give her gas money. 

She also told me that she knows a very good mechanic.  Once she passes on that information to me, I will give him a call to find out what he would charge me.  I have decided I am only going to get the car partially fixed for now.  That is all I can do. 

So that makes five people that I have met that are homeless.  Two of which are mentally ill.  One I think may be, I see her talking to herself all the time.  But that doesn't always mean that she is mentally ill.  I talk to myself at times too.  Especially lately, since I pretty much my only company most of the time.  Of course when I talk to myself I don't do it out aloud.  I am thinking that most other people do that too.  Do they? 

Anyway, she was telling me how badly people treat her when they find out she is homeless.  I have not really told very many people, so I my experience is slightly different.  But I do know that people look at you funny.  As I have said only two people have come and talked to me and try to help me.  Both have done what they can do.  The man I see in the mornings gives me money every few days.  Not very much, but it is something.  I really need it this month as my church was unable to give me any money for food this month.  One person in the church has damage from the hurricane and the money collected this month went to them. 

I did go to that new laundromat that I found.  It is much better.  It has a bathroom and it is air conditioned.  It is also a little less expensive too.  So I am very happy that I found it.  It is also near a grocery store that has a microwave to use.  I like that.  I can get a hot meal.  I also found pudding today that doesn't require refrigeration.  It seems a little weird to me, but it tasted it good.  It is only $1 for 4.  It helps fill me up a little more after a can of soup. 

Well have a good night.

Friday

Another month has arrived and with it comes a horrible jobs report.  A net loss of jobs for the month of August.  What in God's name am I going to do? 

Instead of them fighting over when the damn speech is going to be they should be doing something that is going to get this economy moving again. 

I don't want to hear any more speeches, I want a job that will allow me to have a roof over my head.  I am reaching the end of my rope with this living in a broken down car business.  People are becoming more and more frightened about spending money on things like furniture.  People are scared to death that they will lose their jobs next. 

Cut the payroll taxes so companies will start hiring again.  How hard is that? 

This crap about how the president understands my pain has long since grown old.  Didn't he just spend more than a week at house that costs more than I make in a year?  Yeah, I think he did.  I realize that he doesn't understand what it is like to be me, because he doesn't.  But does he really have to show how much he doesn't understand?  I am far from the only person in this country who is hurting.  But unless they find a way to get this economy moving again, more and more people are going to have to make the same choices I did just to keep themselves in food. 

Thursday

Sorry that I have not posted in a while.  I am feeling down at the moment.  I am just so tired.  I think it more emotional than anything else, but either way I am just dragging.  My life is much more complicated without a working car.  The expenses from the hurricane have made it impossible for me to even consider getting the car fixed at this point.  I was going to be short in any event, but this is going to make it so I am short even after my next pay period. 

I am getting worried that my car will be towed.  I also am trying to figure out how to get my fall/winter clothes.  I used a storage facility that is further away to save on money every month, but it is not possible to get to via public transportation.  I don't have anything heavy with me at all.  I don't even have a long sleeved shirt.  So that is going to be my next issue.  I am thinking I can go as far as I can by bus, take a taxi the rest of the way and then bring my suitcase with me.  I think that is my best course of action.  I will more than likely wait until I can't wait anymore before I spend that kind of money.  The car is still pretty warm at night even when the air is cooler.  So that helps me.  But I will need heavier clothes for work soon. 

I hate being depressed.