Wednesday

I was having an issue with my computer.  For some strange reason it removed my virus protection software and wouldn't allow me to reload it.  It kept telling me that I had a hard disk error.  Luckily, Mr. Christopher was able to instruct me about how to check my hard drive on my own and there is no problem other than piece of software.  He also gave me a name of something that I could download for free.  So I am able to get back on the internet without worrying about some bad guys doing God knows what to my computer.  So, thanks Mr. Christopher.

It has been a long week for some reason.  I am not sure why.  But I was able to get a nap yesterday afternoon which is always a treat.  I didn't sleep all that great last night.  My almost brand new battery is dead.  I have to take it to the place where I bought to get it replaced.  I am not paying for it again that is for sure.  I paid over $150 to get it installed.  That was only in September.  I just need to find my receipt.  It can't be possible that it isn't under warranty at this point.  This is the second time I couldn't get it started.  The AAA guy came and did some sort of diagnostic test on it and said my alternator and starter are fine, but the battery is completely dead, it has 0 CCM's I think he said.  He was able to get it started and then told me I need to drive it around and let it run for about 15 minutes to get it recharged.  I did that, but last night again it wouldn't start.  I didn't want to call AAA two days in a row for the same problem, so I am just going to wait until I can get it to that place.  I have to go near there today so I am going to see if the mechanic is still there to talk to.  If not I will call them in the morning.

So it was cold this morning.  But someone told me that Walmart has sleeping bags that are supposed to keep you warm to 15 degrees for only $40.  That is quite a bit of money to me, but it just may be worth the cost.  I just don't know if they will still have them.  I have to stop there on Friday when I get paid to see.

It is going to be pretty cold this weekend.  I will get by for the next few nights, not so cold. But this weekend is going to be in the low 20's.  That is just too cold for me.  Since I really don't have the money for a motel, I will have to go to the shelter again I guess.  I hate it there.

There is class warfare even among the homeless.  Since I have more than most homeless they don't like me much.  Which is fine, I am not really trying to make life long friendships at this point in my life, just trying to survive.  So I guess I am in the 1% of the homeless.  Kind of funny if you think about it.  "Regular" people look at me like human trash because I am homeless and the other homeless look at me with jealousy I guess.  So I guess the name of my blog is very apropos; I am on the outside looking in.

Sunday

Work didn't go well at all this week, so that is not good for the paycheck.  What there will be of it.  I will just have to deal and be very, very careful with the money that I have, been there already.

I am waiting to do my income tax return.  That will help me, but they won't accept any electronic filings for another two weeks or something like that.  I was hoping to have my return by the end of the month, but that doesn't look like it will happen.  Early February will be more like it.  I should get back everything since I live below what is considered the poverty line.  Which if you think about it, I should be since I am homeless.  I don't know what threshold is to be considered living in poverty legally.  But if only having enough money to live in a car isn't it, I don't know what is.

I have food for the week, at least I hope I do.  I should.  There is a grocery store that has a microwave they let people use, so I can always get a can of soup or spaghetti o's which are cheap.  Not very filling, but at least it will be something.  I am not overly worried about that for right now.  I also have enough on my bus card to get me back and forth to work this week.  So I am good for now.

It will be after I get paid that things will get tricky because I have a bunch of bills that are due.  I may have to dip into my stash to keep my checking account from becoming overdrawn and getting a bunch of fees.  Not that anyone wants to spend their money that way, but it is especially troubling when you are living hand to mouth having your money wasted in that way.

I slept well last night, so that is always nice.  I like it when I don't start the day really dragging, because if you start out that way, you can just imagine what I feel like by the time I am ready to go to sleep.  I feel like the walking dead.  Also, tonight is Sunday, when everything closes early.  I don't have the money for a movie either.

Have a good Sunday all.

Thursday

I got through the cold night and had a warm place to stay.  It wasn't nice, but like I said it was warm and it did the job.  I was able to shower too.  So that was good.

I have had a bad few days at work this week, so that is not good.  I have to hope that this weekend picks up, otherwise I am going to have another very sad looking paycheck.  It will still be better than the last one, but I have more bills to pay with this one.  My phone bill is due shortly.  My property taxes went up so I now have to start paying a portion of that myself.  That will be due shortly too.

I make progress and then something else happens to slow that progress down.  There is nothing that I can do about it, so I just need to keep moving forward without feeling sorry for myself.

I ran into that homeless woman who helped me get to my storage unit several months back.  I thought she was getting back on her feet, but it doesn't look that way.  The job she thought she had with a friend of hers isn't giving her much work, her unemployment has run out, and no real prospects in sight.  She is older and has health issues that makes working retail very difficult.  She also was recently in the hospital with blood clots.  She will be on medication for quite a while to thin her blood.  But the good news is that at least she found a place to stay temporarily.  Nothing fancy, a small room in a basement that doesn't have a bed, but it has heat and a bathroom.  I guess with blood clots sleeping in her car just isn't an option anymore.  I am not in position to offer her much, if anything, and won't be for quite some time I would think.

The young kid I kept seeing is gone.  Maybe he worked things out with his parents and went back home.  He couldn't have been more than 18 or 19.

I have not seen the vet in quite a while.  I hope he is ok.  I guess it is easier for me to worry about others, that way I don't have to think about myself so much.

But I still have not seen creepy guy.  So that is really good news.  I will take what I can get.

I will get some extra hours next week, so that should help me a bit, if I get some sales.

I need to find some inexpensive food for the day, so I am off.

Monday

I must say that I there are some sick people in the world.  At the shelter there was this young couple having sex on the floor in front of everyone while they were trying to sleep.  Any doubt that some of you may have had about why I resist the shelter should be gone.

Who wants to see that?  I sure don't.  If I could have left I would have. But I was unable to, no more buses for the night.  I am going to try and get through in my car tonight.  It is only going to be in the mid 20's so while I will be cold, I think I can survive the night with a small amount of sleep.  The place that I can go to and take a nap opens at 10 tomorrow morning.  So I can just get through the night and sleep there.  There is an all night restaurant that I am going to park near tonight so if worse comes to worse I will grab a book and sit there with a hot drink and nurse it as long as I can.

Tomorrow night that won't be possible, it will be too cold.  I will have to find a place to go.  I don't have enough for a decent hotel room, so I will be forced back to the shelter I guess unless I can find another solution between now and then.  These will be the two coldest nights of the week.  The rest of the week I will be fine I think.  Mid thirties I can sleep pretty well if I am dressed right.

Sunday

I survived New Year's Eve and I did it without any tears.  I saw two movies; New Year's Eve and The Descendants.  Neither was worth $12.  New Year's Eve was cute in it's way.  It had a big cast with stories that intertwined with each other and by the end it came full circle.  Somewhat predictable but there was one or two twists that I didn't expect.  The Descendants had George Clooney in it.  It is about a man whose wife is in a boating accident and falls into a coma.  After the accident he finds out things about her he really wishes he didn't know.  He is also dealing with some long time family business.  So it goes back and forth between his family today and how they are dealing with the accident and his family from long ago.  It is very heavy.  If you not in the mood for that don't go see it.  It was ok.  I will say that George Clooney runs funny, and he looks old now.  I thought it was pretty good.  I missed the first ten minutes, but I still enjoyed it.  Made my problems seem not so bad.  It takes place in Hawaii and the scenery was very nice.  I have never been and always wanted to go.  One day, maybe.

I got back to my car after 1 so it was all over with.  I didn't have to worry about the big moment of a brand new year.  It was comfortable enough to sleep just fine.  I was a little cold when I woke up this morning, but I only used two blankets and I really should have used the third one.  But, I didn't have to sleep in my boots or keep my coat zippered.  Always a plus.

The place I like to go on Sunday's is closed today for the holiday, so I have to find something else to occupy my time.  It is supposed to be very mild out today, so maybe I will just find a sunny place to sit for a while and enjoy the warmth.  It looks like the last I will be getting for a while.  Tonight will be fine for sleeping, but the rest of the week is going to very cold for sleeping.  The church that is taking in the homeless for Operation Hypothermia is easy for me to get to, so I will more than likely end up there on the days I don't work.  But on days that I work it is too late, by the time I get there it will be full.  So I will be on my own those nights.  But I will have to find a way to make due and just run the heat in the car every 90 minutes or so for about ten minutes.  I will only get about three hours of sleep that way, but there is nothing that I can do.  If I don't have to work the next day it isn't so bad, because I have found a place that I can nap.  They don't bother me at all. But when I do have to work the next day, it is awful.  I am so tired that I can barely think.

I have to just keep telling myself that this is almost over.

Saturday

I am feeling very sad today.  I am on the verge of tears.  I was fine last weekend.  Isn't it strange that I am more upset on New Year than Christmas?  I guess I keep thinking I should be at a party tonight like I normally have done in the past.  Isolation is one of the hardest parts of being homeless.  I have caught myself talking to myself on a few occasions, I guess just out of loneliness.

I have decided to go to the movies tonight.  It is the cheapest alternative that I have.  I will wander from theater to theater I guess until it is time for me to go to sleep.  I will have heat and a bathroom which is what I really need.  I have not gone to a movie in quite some time.  It isn't something that I feel is a useful way to use my very limited funds.  But I will make an exception for the weekend.  I may have to do that tomorrow too, but I will see about that.  I can't really go sit in a restaurant tonight since it is a busy night and they won't want some homeless person taking a up table when my bill would be quite small.

There isn't anything that really interests me playing.  I guess I will see New Year's Eve and some movie I never heard of called Young Adult.

I have found a place that will be open early in the morning tomorrow so I will sleep near there to have a bathroom in the morning.  The weather is really nice, unseasonably warm for January.  That comes to a very abrupt end on Monday, but for the next two nights I will sleep just fine. I just looked at the weather report again, Tuesday is going to be awful.  It won't get above freezing all day.  That is a problem because like today, the car is being warmed up by the sun right now.  It gets quite warm in there during the day, so it holds some of the heat.  I guess I could be wrong about that, but I have found that to be true, or maybe it is all in my head.  Either way, tonight will be easy to sleep in.

I just don't have the money for a hotel on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so off to the shelter I must go.  As I have said many times, the shelters are awful.  They are full of people who are substance abusers and mentally ill, so I don't feel safe there.  Not so much in a physical sense, but I can't afford to have my things stolen.  I don't have that much, so I have to hold unto what I have.  I can handle the temperatures down to the upper 20's.  I can keep myself warm enough to fall asleep and stay asleep for about four hours or so.  But once it gets colder than that I just can't keep myself warm enough to stay asleep for very long.  I had thought about getting a down blanket, but I can't afford that.  I stopped in some outdoor clothing store and asked about hiking in low temperatures and they showed my clothing that they said would keep you insulated to about zero degrees.  The stuff was really, really, and I mean really expensive.  Not something that I can spend my limited funds on especially when you consider what would I use them for when this over?  Which, if I stay on target, will be shortly.  Not days, maybe not even weeks, but it should be less than two months as long as nothing else happens that causes me to spend money I hadn't planned for.  My original goal was for this to be only six months, but my more realistic goal of one year should be reachable.

Happy New Year to you and your families.

Friday

I thought I had things worked out for where I could go for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, but that didn't end up working out.  Now I have no place to go and everything will be closing early.  This won't be fun.  I won't even be able to get to a shelter because I have to work on tomorrow and when I work it is too late to get into the shelter.  So I am going to on my own.  I am hoping I can at least go to a movie.  I have never gone to a movie on New Year's before, I am not even sure they are running movies.  I know that they do on Thanksgiving.  I will have to check that.

Also it is going to be very cold Monday and Tuesday nights.  Down in the mid teens.  But I can get to a shelter on those two nights so I will be ok for that.  Tonight is going to be great sleeping weather, not even below freezing.  So I will sleep well.  I didn't sleep well at all on Wednesday night because I was too chilly.  I wasn't really cold, but chilly.  I am not sure if that makes sense.  But I kept waking up.  I looked like the walking dead on Thursday.  But I did sleep well Thursday night.

I was thinking I would stay in a hotel this weekend, but I just didn't have a big enough paycheck to afford it.  It really was a joke.  The lowest paycheck I have gotten in about a year.  Only $220 for two weeks.  I had to pay my storage bill, put more money on bus card, and keep money for my phone bill which is due before I get paid again.  That pretty much took everything that I have.  I do have some cash, but not much.  But I will be ok on food.  I can go to the place that serves food to the homeless next week.  I don't go all the time because it is not close by for me, but when I am short I take advantage of it.  I am working a few extra days this week and next so that helps with food too.  I can use the microwave for soup and spaghetti o's.  I have this feeling that I will never want to see either of those foods ever again once this over.  But it has kept me fed.  I also have enough clean clothes to last for a while, so that will be good too.