Friday

I had someone request that I put a link to his site.  He sells republican themed posters.  So, please go and check them out.  He seems like a nice man.  Thanks for being a "sponsor" of mine.  Something that I never thought I would ever have in my life.

Today was really bad at work.  Really bad.  There was one sale all day, just one.  Luckily it was mine.  Can you imagine paying an entire staff of people and make no money?

It is just getting really scary.  I did have others that came and looked today and took measurements.  So I can hope that they come back tomorrow.  I hope, I hope!!

I have not been sleeping well for the past few nights.  Which I don't know why because I had been sleeping very well.  It may be that the temperatures have started to drop again.  I don't know.

I have been cold all day.  I can't shake it.  I had four cups of tea and it didn't help.  But I didn't want to buy another cup and the tea bag I had just wouldn't give me more than four cups.  But I don't know why I would think that a fifth one would do it when four did not.

I am very hungry, but I have little cash.  So I am going to go to get some stuff off the value menu.

I had a repair at my apartment that I had to take care of and that took up most of my paycheck.  The garbage disposal stopped working and was flooding the sink.  I have that screw thingy but that didn't work, so it had to be replaced.  The man who looked at it told me it would have been the same amount to fix it, so at least this way there is a warranty on it.  Had I still be living there, I would just have disconnected it or something and not replaced it.  But, I had no choice but to replace since I am renting out the place.  They can withhold my rent if I don't repair things.  I have no way to pay the bills for that place without the rent, so I can't take the chance.

They are nice people.  And at least I got to take a good look at the place.  They have kept it very neat and clean.  I was happy and relieved to see that.  It will make it easier to sell.  Which looks like what I am going to have to do.

I spoke to a realtor about it and she told me with the direction that prices are moving now, I should be no longer underwater by this summer.  So I guess I can put the place on the market June 1.  It breaks my heart, but I guess it is for the best.

Thursday

I didn't realize that I have been away for so long.  Days meld together for me.  Especially when I am not working.

Not much has happened.  I had a call about a job interview, so I will be going to that early next week.  Work is very slow, but I did survive the latest round of reductions.  I can't imagine that I survive the next one.  My only hope is that I can find something else between now and then.

I have an interview early next week.  It is kind of far, but I will worry about that later.  I can get there, it will just be time consuming.  My car just isn't up to long drives and I don't want to spend my on that until I am more settled.

I get very worried about having money for food and paying my bills.

That is one of the things that I hate about all this, the constant level of stress.   Everything is blown out of proportion.  Do I spend money on this or that or do I hold off?  I really need a haircut, very badly in fact.  But $25 is what I spend on food for a week or so.  I would rather be sure that I have money for food.

I take the bus and the train often so I don't worry all that much about gas prices.  A half tank can last me for quite a while.

Next Sunday is Easter and nothing will be open.  What do I do?  I don't want to spend money on a hotel, but I don't see that I have many options.  It is a great deal cheaper than going to see my Aunt.

All these decisions can seem so overwhelming to me.  I feel like I am losing my ability to think sometimes.  Deductive reasoning has all but escaped me.

Thursday

I have been reading all these articles about how mayors around the country are refusing donations of food for the homeless due to salt content.  How nice for them.  See, they have a home and money.  They can make decisions about the type of foods they eat.

I, on the other hand, don't have that luxury in most instances.  There are weeks that I have enough money that I can buy a good meal.  But, there are also times that I cannot.  During the weeks that I don't have enough money I would gladly take a bagel, regardless of how much salt it contains.

While I should be worrying about my long term health needs, it isn't my top priority when I am hungry and don't have enough to get something better.  I eat what I can.

What a bunch of imbeciles.

There are people who are giving this food out of the goodness in their hearts, not because they are trying to give heart attacks to the homeless and hungry.

Let me tell you some unpleasant realities.  When you don't eat regularly your digestive system doesn't always handle fruits and vegetables well.  I have had loose bowels twice already this week.  It isn't easy to find a bathroom all the time, and that can get very messy if you are not near a restroom.  Talk about shit happens.  It does.  You then have to worry about finding a shower to clean yourself thoroughly.  Again, not always easy.  The place that I can take a shower is only open for five hours a day and then only on weekdays.  What do you do if this accident happens on a weekend?

They may mean well, but they are not helping.  They are doing nothing but hurting people like me.  Like I said, I am in a better position than many homeless.  Just Monday I helped another homeless woman get to a shelter.  She had two young kids.  The shelter that takes families is not all that close to where I am and doesn't have bus service.  So it wasn't easy to get her and kids there.  But we managed.  I would like the mayors who made this decision to look her in the eye and tell her she shouldn't give her hungry kids bagels.

I only have to worry about myself.  I have a job, poorly paying, but a job.  She had nothing but the clothes and toys she was carrying and two young kids to care for.  The shelter will only keep her for 45 days.  If she doesn't find an alternative she has to leave that shelter for 10 days before they will take her back again.  The program for the winter ended last week.  For liability reasons most churches won't let you spend the night.  Where is she going to go?  Does Mayor Bloomberg think that she cares about the salt content?  That isn't what is on her mind right now.

If she ends up on the streets she could have her children taken away from her by child services for neglect.  I gave her my phone number, but she hasn't called.  I am assuming that she is OK where she is.  I hope so.  She was really scared.

Honest to god, what is wrong with these politicians?  Do they think they are helping people like me?  They are nothing more than assholes.  I want to use stronger language, but someone sent me an email telling me that he has his step daughter read this.  So I should try and keep it rated PG-13 at least.

The homeless have no voice of their own.  People don't listen to people like me.  It is other people that need to speak up about this.  One day what happened to me could happen to you or someone you work with.  I never thought I would be living in a car, but I do.

Sorry, but I had to get that out.  It made me so mad when I read that.

Monday

Work has been very slow.  The one day last week that was busy I was off.  So that was not good.  But like I said the gas prices guide how much extra money people have and what they are willing to spend money on.  So until the prices start to drop, this will continue.  This is just like what happened the last time the prices were high.  When the prices dropped the business picked up again.  

My boss told me that I wouldn't lose my job even though they will be cutting back on staff, again.  I think someone is quitting, so that will free up hours and it will give me more of a chance to makes sales.  So that is good news in its way.  I may even get a few more hours.  

I think I have found a place to live.  Someone is moving and they rent a room in a house that is only $500 a month.  I am pretty sure I can swing that.  I will have to be very careful.  But they are not moving until May.  So that gives me another six weeks of homelessness, if this works out.  Most places I have found are closer to $700 a month plus utilities and I just can't swing that.  I won't be able to afford to pay my other bills and buy food.  

But the good news that I am taking today is that this is the last day of winter.  I made it through.  It is much easier to sleep now because I don't need as many layers and three blankets.  With that much stuff around you makes hard to move and very uncomfortable.  

The bad news I have heard that the so called experts are saying that the higher gas prices will start having a real affect on the economy by the end of the month.  

Tuesday

I usually try and see if there is any stories on the homeless every few days.  I am not sure why, but I do.  I came across a story today.

So I learned some things about myself today.  Well, I didn't but I did learn how many in the world view me.  There is an article about how some homeless people were used to provide wifi at some conference and they were paid a flat amount and people were asked to give a tip.

The article wasn't all that exciting but the comments were.  Apparently I am a heroine addict, a thief, and the walking dead.

I would have done it and not felt exploited.  I have bills to pay.  I have food to buy.  I don't want to be homeless anymore.  Why would I feel bad about someone willing to give me money in return for work?  If it helped me get a good meal for a few days or put the money in the bank towards getting out of my current condition, why wouldn't I do it?

So if I get this, liberals think I would be exploited and conservatives think I am not worthy of doing the job.  If you ever wondered why I feel isolated, this tells you everything you need to know.

Sunday

The weather has been nice during the day, but still chilly during the night.  Believe it or not this presents problems for me because I have to layer for sleeping, but don't need all those layers during the day.  What then do I do with all the layers?  I don't like carrying around a great deal of clothes or bags.  That just gives me more of an appearance of being homeless.

I realize that some of that may be in my head, but as I said I have gotten new radar for detecting homeless people.  You would be surprised.  There are people who you walk right by during the day that are homeless, but you don't know it.  I see the signs more because I have a clearer idea of what they are.

Shoes are a very good indication.  I won't be putting on sandals or shorts until it is warm and has no chance of being chilly again.  There are only so many times that I can change clothes in day when I have to do it in public.

The other day I saw something that I found upsetting.  There was a man who was obviously homeless at a mall. This particular mall is within walking distance to a train station and several bus routes so it is easy for the homeless to get to.  He was on a scooter.  He wasn't bothering anyone.  But like I said, his homeless state was obvious to everyone.  Simply because of what he carried around with him.  I guess security called the police.  There are businesses there and small children running around so I can see what they don't want people that are considered "bums" around.  It could hurt current business and make it harder to attract new businesses as space becomes available.  But, did they have to send four police officers and two fire/EMT trucks?  They were questioning the man about different things.  They said to him that they were going to take him somewhere to get a meal after he said he hadn't eaten yet that day.  It was mid afternoon.  I left before they took him anywhere.  So I am not sure if they really did take him away or not.

But it just seemed very excessive for one homeless person.  I understand two police officers in case he is combative, but four?  I have become afraid of the police.  Which isn't a good thing.

Thursday

I can't sleep.  It is not even worth trying anymore.  But I do have to say that I got a great deal done.  I cleaned all the windows and was able to sort through my mail.  I only pick up my mail about twice a month so I have so much to look through that it becomes overwhelming in a way.

I also went and did laundry.  I got most things cleaned.  I had only a certain amount of money to spend so I put as much as the washer would take.  I used the triple load.  I didn't even know there was such a thing, but there is.  I would have loved to be able to do my blankets too, but I just don't want to spend the money on that right now.

I am going to be so tired later at work.  At least I will sleep well later.  At least I hope so.

Work is still dismal, really dismal.  But it is what it is and I will deal with it the best that I can.  They are cutting hours at the end of the month if things don't improve.  Which they won't.  So I am not sure how that will effect me.  I am cheap compared to the others because I already lost my benefits.  I would think they are going to go after a person who has benefits.  But I don't know.  I will have to wait and see.

I had a job interview the other day and it went badly.  I could tell almost immediately that the person didn't want to hire me.  They were almost hostile.  I don't know if it was the way I was dressed.  I had on a suit and it was clean.  I had it dry cleaned two weeks ago and hadn't worn it.  I showered the day before.  I know my resume has no typo's, I had it professionally checked when I first lost my job.  Maybe they thought I am ugly or something.  I don't know.  But whatever it was, I won't be getting that job.

I applied for some restaurant jobs for quick cash, but they don't want to hire me because I have never done it before.  I know, pretty much everyone has worked in one at some point in their life, but I did not.  My dad didn't want me to work while I was going to school so I didn't have a job until I was in college.  I worked in a summer camp as a lifeguard and worked on campus during the school year in the library sorting books.  It was fun job because at some point everyone makes it there.  So you got to meet many new people.

The weather has been good.  It was very cold the other night.  I slept OK.  I think that may be one of the last really cold nights.  It seems spring has sprung.  The trees are starting to bloom.  I really need to go and get something for the allergy attack I am going to get soon.  It doesn't last all that long for me, but it is still painful when I don't take those pills.

I did have an incident last week that was very upsetting.  I am not going to go into the details, but sometimes people are really dumb.  Also, somebody damaged the mirror on my car.  Like I need another thing to lay out money for on that car.  I figured out a way to keep it in place for now.  I don't know why someone would damage my car.  I really don't get it.  I don't see how it could have happened except that it was intentional. Sometimes people are just not nice.

Thursday

I have been reading about Andrew Breitbart dying.  He seems way too young to be dying of natural causes.  Strange.

I have had a decent week at work.  Not great, but considering how slow it has been I will take it.  But the rising gas prices are hurting people.  I don't get to see much television, but I read the newspapers on my days off and I keep reading they are expected to hit $5 soon.  I can't imagine people will be spending anything other than what is necessary once that happens.

I think I mentioned before I can pinpoint when things really started to go south for me is when the gas prices were very high several years ago.  It makes a big difference in the way people spend their money.  I also read that some jerk in the Obama administration said they don't care if the prices are high.  How nice for them with their good paying government jobs.  What about me and the millions of others like me?  I am sure that even more people will creep closer to the edge if they have to pay $5 for a gallon of gas.  Some of which will fall off.

I do hope that someone who does care about the prices gets elected this fall.  I have followed the candidates and I think that Romney has the best chance of winning.  At least he understands how businesses run.  Although he has no idea what it is like to be me.  But the others don't either.  Matter of fact unless you have been here you don't get it.  You make assumptions, but many of those assumptions are wrong.

I saw this man yesterday eating vegetables out of can cold.  He had a bunch of bags with him.  I doubt he has a place to call his own either.  He was neatly dressed and he didn't smell that I noticed.  People assume that they know what homelessness is.  Or at least they think they understand what type of people are homeless.  In some cases they are right.  The drunks, the drug addicts, the mentally ill are all part of the ranks, but they don't tell the whole story.

There is a place not to far from the drop in center that I mentioned awhile back that is kind of woodsy.  People live in tents there.  Some are what you think, but not all of them.  One man is disabled and unable to work.  He has been unable to get social security to approve his claim so he lives in a tent.  He spends his days at the center.  I don't know what he does at night.  I have never asked.  I don't really talk all that much to the people there.  I just go and pick up some food when I run out of supplies and am short on money.  I try not to take too much because I figure I can fend for myself better than many of the others.  A few others that I have met have jobs too.  They just got caught in a bad situation when bills they didn't expect hit and everything snowballed.  That is really how it happens.  A few bad things happen and the next thing you know you are out of money.  Your savings is gone, you have a limited or no income coming in and you lose control and it all falls apart.

Anyway, it isn't always what you think on the surface.  Don't make assumptions about someone else's life.  You don't always see what happens.  You only see what you want to see or what you are conditioned to believe.  There are these ladies who are (or were) homeless and they know how to knit.  They sit outside of a train station and try to sell what they knit.  Some people won't buy from them when they find out they are homeless.  Was the item all of sudden uglier or something?  I guess they thought they were addicts or something.  Maybe they are, I don't know.  But I do know that they are trying to survive in a world that looks the other way.

There are many people who know that I am homeless and have done nothing.  I am not saying that I expect anything.  Like I said I don't know their stories either.  I am just saying that they would rather act like I don't exist. They don't even want to speak to me.   I found something online that is interesting.  Read it if you are interested.  I have found from my own experience for these to be true for the most part.  Especially the part about the help for getting people out of homelessness to be very limited.