Monday

Today was a good day.  One of the better ones I have had in a while. 

I had mentioned that some things are easier and harder than I thought.  I will start with the easier.

Sleeping in my car is much easier than I thought it would be.  The first week or so was hard, but once I got used to it, I have been fine.  Now I go right to sleep. 

Not losing weight.  I was really afraid I was going to lose a great deal of weight and looking horribly skinny.  But I have actually gained weight.  It never occurred to me that all the crappy food I have been eating would cause me to gain weight. 

Getting exercise.  I get even more now than before. 

The loneliness has eased. 

What has been much harder:

Admitting that I need help.  That has been very difficult for me.  I have a hard time accepting the fact that I am now dependent on getting outside intervention. 

Believe it or not, sleeping in the back seat of my car is much harder.  I feel less safe back there.  If something were to happen I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to get the car started to get away.  Even though I would be more comfortable, I sleep in the front. 

I sleep in a parking lot of a restaurant that never closes.  So I have access to a bathroom.  That is very important.  There also is another man who sleeps there as well.  He seems to be in the same set of circumstances as I am.  We have never talked to one another.  He must have a job away from his home because he is never there on weekends.  Just during the week.  Or maybe he just goes someplace else on weekends.  I don't know.  But him being there also makes me feel more safe. 

I actually have gotten over being scared at night.  Which is a huge surprise to me, but true.  At the same time this scares me because I am getting comfortable with my circumstances.  Not something that I want to happen.  As long as I am uncomfortable the more likely I am to do something about it. Not to say that I am not, but I don't want to get to a point that this becomes my normal. 

I have been very surprised at people who realize that I am homeless and just walk away. I get looks of sympathy sometimes.  I don't know what to expect, but this has surprised me.  I guess there is no good way to handle this situation for me or for them.