Saturday

I have had a busy week.  I have had several job interviews.  Two went well, very well.  I feel that I can be hopeful this time.

I applied for unemployment.  I didn't realize I wouldn't get paid for one week.  Oh well.  There is nothing that I can do.  The last time I was laid off I was given a severance and I found a new job before that ran out.  So I never filed for unemployment.

The process seems very drawn out.  You have to get two different notifications from them.  What a waste of time and resources.  Money for that matter as well.

I several other appointments next week.

Since I am not working I try to stay as busy as I can.  All that time to fill is very hard.  I only sleep about six hours at night.  I just can't seem to get more than that in my car.  I guess I am not that comfortable sleeping all curled up like that.

I have been eating well though.  Well, not healthy really, but enough to be full.  I am not falling asleep hungry most nights.  Sometimes I still do, but not as often.

I do need to be careful with my very limited resources now.  Especially since I won't be getting paid for this week.

Like I have said many times, you become obsessed about how much money you have.  That is one of the first things you think about in the morning and it is usually is the thing you are thinking about when you go to sleep.

See, this is part of what people don't get about homelessness.  Your daily survival becomes your life.  Where will you get food?  Where you will use the ladies room? Is where your sleeping safe?  Do you have money for transportation?  Are the police going to hassle you today?  Will you get thrown out of the library or mall?  Is there a different church you can speak to about getting assistance?

You are so worried about today that looking at tomorrow becomes hard.  Not impossible, but difficult.  You also are fighting the boredom and the lack of stimulation.  That is really one of the hardest things.  You feel so isolated from the rest of the world.

Another thing that I can't stand is always having a bra on.  You have no idea how much I just want to take this thing off and burn it.  I of course can't do that.  But if you need to get out of your car in the middle of the night you can't be running around hanging out all over the place.  So you just leave it on.  At least I do.  I guess I can't speak for other homeless women.  I am not sure what they do and I have never asked any of the other women I know.

My vet friend is doing ok.  Although I am not seeing him as much as I have in the past.  I guess he has found other resources or places to go.  I worry about him.  He will always be homeless.  His mental illness will never allow him to live a normal life.  I guess he has accepted that and does what he does and is ok.  But it still breaks my heart.

I see other homeless that have self imposed problems.  They drink too much or whatever else that they do.  Them I don't feel sorry for, they have done it to themselves.  If being homeless isn't hitting rock bottom then will they ever find it to get sober?  I doubt it.  They also make it very hard for people like me to get help.

Why would you want to give money for someone else to get drunk or high?  I wouldn't want to do that either.  But not all homeless are homeless for that reason.  Some are just down on their luck and want to get back on track.  They just need some help or maybe just some time and they will figure it out for themselves.  They deserve to get some help or have resources available to them.  But you will find many, many doors shut in your face.

I have found a new church to go to.  I think it will be good.  I like my church, but I just feel it is time for a change.  Maybe I just need some spice in my life for a change and this is how I am getting it.

Homelessness is very lonely.  So many people don't want to talk to you if they know you are homeless.

Well somebody gave me coupon for a free smoothie.  Those are things that I can't normally afford so I am going to take advantage of it and savor every drop.  Bing Cherry smoothie, here I come.

Have a good night all.