On The Outside Looking In

Thursday

2012-03-01T20:07:00.001-05:00

I have been reading about Andrew Breitbart dying. He seems way too young to be dying of natural causes. Strange.

I have had a decent week at work. Not great, but considering how slow it has been I will take it. But the rising gas prices are hurting people. I don't get to see much television, but I read the newspapers on my days off and I keep reading they are expected to hit $5 soon. I can't imagine people will be spending anything other than what is necessary once that happens.

I think I mentioned before I can pinpoint when things really started to go south for me is when the gas prices were very high several years ago. It makes a big difference in the way people spend their money. I also read that some jerk in the Obama administration said they don't care if the prices are high. How nice for them with their good paying government jobs. What about me and the millions of others like me? I am sure that even more people will creep closer to the edge if they have to pay $5 for a gallon of gas. Some of which will fall off.

I do hope that someone who does care about the prices gets elected this fall. I have followed the candidates and I think that Romney has the best chance of winning. At least he understands how businesses run. Although he has no idea what it is like to be me. But the others don't either. Matter of fact unless you have been here you don't get it. You make assumptions, but many of those assumptions are wrong.

I saw this man yesterday eating vegetables out of can cold. He had a bunch of bags with him. I doubt he has a place to call his own either. He was neatly dressed and he didn't smell that I noticed. People assume that they know what homelessness is. Or at least they think they understand what type of people are homeless. In some cases they are right. The drunks, the drug addicts, the mentally ill are all part of the ranks, but they don't tell the whole story.

There is a place not to far from the drop in center that I mentioned awhile back that is kind of woodsy. People live in tents there. Some are what you think, but not all of them. One man is disabled and unable to work. He has been unable to get social security to approve his claim so he lives in a tent. He spends his days at the center. I don't know what he does at night. I have never asked. I don't really talk all that much to the people there. I just go and pick up some food when I run out of supplies and am short on money. I try not to take too much because I figure I can fend for myself better than many of the others. A few others that I have met have jobs too. They just got caught in a bad situation when bills they didn't expect hit and everything snowballed. That is really how it happens. A few bad things happen and the next thing you know you are out of money. Your savings is gone, you have a limited or no income coming in and you lose control and it all falls apart.

Anyway, it isn't always what you think on the surface. Don't make assumptions about someone else's life. You don't always see what happens. You only see what you want to see or what you are conditioned to believe. There are these ladies who are (or were) homeless and they know how to knit. They sit outside of a train station and try to sell what they knit. Some people won't buy from them when they find out they are homeless. Was the item all of sudden uglier or something? I guess they thought they were addicts or something. Maybe they are, I don't know. But I do know that they are trying to survive in a world that looks the other way.

There are many people who know that I am homeless and have done nothing. I am not saying that I expect anything. Like I said I don't know their stories either. I am just saying that they would rather act like I don't exist. They don't even want to speak to me. I found something online that is interesting. Read it if you are interested. I have found from my own experience for these to be true for the most part. Especially the part about the help for getting people out of homelessness to be very limited.

Tuesday

2012-02-28T12:32:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good night's sleep. That is always a good thing. It helps me throughout the day. My problem now has become that it isn't quite as cold out so I am running into the issue that I get hot at some point in the night and kick off my blankets. Then of course it gets colder and it wakes me up and I can't always get back to sleep. So I have to figure out what are the proper layers for this new temperature range. I guess I should try just two layers on top with my coat unzipped and then maybe I will keep my blankets on.

I think I won't be needing my boots anymore. Which is good news since they are really the thing that caused all those skin issues with my feet. They are pretty much gone at this point. I still have one little area on my toe that the skin is a little strange but outside of that they are fine.

Another issue that I have is that my head is getting very itchy. I guess I am not washing my hair enough. Yesterday being a good example. I tried to do it in the morning, but too many people were around for me to get it done. I found a bathroom stall that has a sink with a faucet high enough that I can stick my head underneath it, but that restroom is very busy. So I have to do it in the mornings before too many people are around. I guess I could care less and do it anyway, but I don't like drawing attention to myself. I am not breaking any laws that I know of (but with the way things are going, I probably am) but I still don't want the people here to call security. If I get kicked out of this place I really have very other options of where to spend my time that are safe and have heat. I ended up doing it later in the evening, but then I had to go to sleep with wet hair. Nor really that big of deal since I can just braid it, but it gets cold to sleep with wet hair when you have no heat.

Another very bad week at work. People are just not buying much furniture at this point. It is going to get worse with these high gas prices. That is the time that can be pinpointed that the sales really started to drop. When the prices shot up a few years back. That was the turning point for me and the beginning of this whole affair for me.

I realize that it is better than nothing at all but it is not a livable wage. Everyone else I work with is married so they have another income to help them out. But I am thinking that people are going to start looking for other employment. Most of them have had a long time with the company and have some sort of pension plan that they want to qualify for and have stayed put for that reason. One is only one year away, so I can't imagine she will leave. It doesn't make sense for her to. She will lose so much in the long run. I don't know how long the others are away. I never really paid much attention to the pension plan anyway since I didn't plan on staying that long. I no longer qualify for it since I only work part-time now in any event. I am vested with my 401(k) but I stopped putting money into it a while ago. I figure I needed the money more now then decades from now. I withdrew as much as they allowed me to when I got rid of my car loan and bought a lesser expensive car. I lost money on that transaction but I don't have that monthly payment so I thought I would come out ahead of the game. I realize now that buying an expensive car is stupid. But I guess that was just my age and wanting to have something nice. I can't imagine I will do that again. I am finding out buying an inexpensive used car isn't such a grand idea either, but a new less expensive model is where I think I would go in the future.

I contacted some people about doing that tutoring for the citizenship test and I have not heard back yet. I am hoping that will help keep my mind active and help pass the time.

I have a job interview early next week. I have to do some research on the company so I have some good questions to ask. I don't even know if that is true, but everyone tells you must do that to get the job. So I do it.

I need to go to Walmart today or tomorrow. I am out of some supplies. I need toothpaste, talc, and deodorant. I guess I should buy some different shampoo to help with my dry scalp. But I think that may be more money than I need to spend right now. I have plenty from when I used to be a Costco member so I don't like spending money on things when I don't need to.

Have a good day all.

Saturday

2012-02-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

I went to a movie last night to quell some of the boredom. I went to see The Vow. For some strange reason I thought it was going to have some comedy in it. While it did have a small amount, it was really a drama. It was OK. Not something that was really worth the price of ticket. I also stayed to watch Safe Room. That was a good movie. Many twists and turns. More violence than necessary, but most action movies do.

When this is over and I am back on my feet, I am going to buy some movie tickets online and not go to make up for the double dipping I have done. It was very windy last night, much colder than expected. So having a warm place to stay last night was a good move. I didn't expect it to be as cold as it was when I left the movies. I was not dressed well for the walk I had back to my car. But I lived.

It was snowing when I woke up this morning. That I didn't expect. It seems that a cold front has arrived and I am not prepared for it. I have layers on now so I will fine for today and tonight. It is going to much colder tonight then it has been in quite some time. I don't want to spend the money on a hotel so I guess I will go to the shelter if I need to. I will decide that later. But it is really only tonight. The rest of the week should be fine.

I am looking into doing some tutoring for people who are getting ready to take the citizenship test. I helped someone when I was in college so I am thinking I should do it again. I got paid for it the last time I did it. But that was a different state. This just may be a volunteer thing here. Either way, it will keep me occupied and I could always use the extra money. I had fun doing it before. I took a few government classes in college. I think I can brush up on it in a short period of time.

Tuesday

2012-02-21T15:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes people send me emails asking me questions. The most recent asked me why I don't post everyday if I have nothing to do. The reason I don't is that I feel like I repeat myself all the time. Not much happens in my life so I don't really have a great deal to say.

How many times can I write how tired I am? I think I write that in every post. People must be sick of reading it. So that would be the reason that I don't post everyday. I would bore you to tears.

I keep track of the weather reports and I look at a ten day forecast every day. How insane is that I am all excited because it is going to be 45 overnight later this week? I am mean how many of you think that sleeping without heat in 45 degree weather is something to look forward to?

Not only that, to me that means that I can sleep without socks and shoes on. If anyone told me a year ago that I would be sleeping without anything on my feet at that temperature I would have thought them to be insane. But here we are.

I read a very troubling article this morning. Unemployment is showing signs of ticking up again. See I was hoping that since the February numbers were good that it wasn't just the holiday season that made the numbers go down. I wonder if they will use that "shrinkage" again to make the numbers sound better than what they are. I wouldn't put it past this dumb ass president to do that. I honestly don't blame him for my problems, but what I do think is that he has not done enough to help. Especially when you consider he would prefer to pretend that people like me don't exist.

I don't use drugs. I don't drink very much. I am not mentally ill. I have a job. I shouldn't be homeless yet I am. He doesn't want to acknowledge that I exist. But alas, I do.

Sunday

2012-02-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

I am feeling very down tonight. I am not sure why. I feel like I need to lie down and cry for a few hours. Of course, I can't really do that, but I get this feeling it may make me feel better to get it out.

I have been having bad stress headaches lately. I can tell that they are stress induced because of where the pain is. Stress related headaches are very predictable in location. I am not someone who is prone to headaches, so it is pretty obvious why I have it.

I seem to go through phases where emotionally I do fine and then I feel like I am falling apart a short time later. I would think it is normal under my current set of circumstances. I am low on food supplies, I don't have much money without dipping into my savings. My paychecks are not something that I can remotely live on. Once I pay all my bills I don't have much left. My car insurance payments increased, my taxes increased, my storage unit increased, my phone bill remained the same, but I have few minutes and less options. I don't use the phone all that much so it won't really effect me. I should consider myself lucky that they didn't increase the costs. I have the least expensive phone coverage you can have. I only pay $26 per month.

I was able to wash my hair yesterday so that made me feel better. I have not taken a full shower in a week, but I have cleaned myself daily. I have a great deal of clean clothes. Which is a relief because I don't have much money to spend doing laundry. It isn't much, I can do a great deal with $6.50, but that is less money I have for food. It all adds up.

My stress is coming from having to use money from my savings. The more I use from the savings the longer this will continue. I try as hard as I can to spend as little as I can. I eat inexpensive foods most of the time. I do try and eat one good meal every week with a full array of foods to get protein and the vitamins I need. I ran out of vitamin supplements a few months back and I have decided not to spend the money on them.

I am getting prepared to spend money on allergy medication. Ever since moving down here I get spring time allergies. I guess I am still not used to the different trees and things compared to where I grew up. That stuff is very expensive. Even if you get the store brand. In the past I have to take it for two months. With it being a warm winter we are going to have an early spring I would think. At least in terms of flowers.

I just want my life back.

Saturday

2012-02-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

Work is just getting worse and worse. One day earlier this week only $2000 was sold for the entire day and there were $900 in cancellations. There is little point in staying at all. I can feel free to get another part time job and not worry about being forced to quit this one in order to accept it.

I can't imagine that they will keep the furniture section for all that much longer if these sales keep up this way. You keep hearing things that the economy is showing signs of improvement. Well, not from where I stand.

I am down to very little money and not much hope of more coming in anytime soon. But, I have been through this before and got through it and I will get through it again. I try hard to stay positive. Some days that is easier than others. I didn't sell much at all today. It was dismal, to be honest. One of the two weeks for the pay period was OK, the other week was awful. I lost almost half my sales to cancellations, and one return due to damages. The customer decided not to re-order and wanted their money back. Not that I blame them, but it sure hurts me.

This is a holiday weekend, too. It should have been busy. No such luck. I think I should be fine because the forecast has the temperature higher than it did a few days back.

It is too early to try and sleep, but I sure am tired.

Wednesday

2012-02-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

I am feeling very tired today. I slept well last night, so I am not sure why. I guess it is the same old story about the lack of stimulation. I have said many times this is the hardest part of being homeless. They have what they call drop in centers for the homeless during the daytime hours. At first I didn't understand why. Now I know this is the reason. The loneliness is very damaging over time. I would think that you would also start to lose the ability to communicate with others over time. I am lucky in the respect that I have to deal with people when I am at work.

But you have to imagine when people know that you are homeless, they really don't speak to you anymore. So even places that I go to regularly the people don't speak to me unless they have to. This just leads to more feelings of isolation.

Oh, some good news. The person who helped me months ago get to my storage space found a job!!! Good for her. It doesn't pay all that great, but it will help her get back on her feet. It only pays $11 per hour, not a great wage. But, if she is careful with her money she will be able to find a small room to rent and be OK. I had not realized that she was so much older than I am. She was telling me that she was getting to the point that she would have to file for early social security. She didn't want to do that because it lessens the amount you get monthly. Now she can hold off until she qualifies for the higher wage. I don't know the ages for that kind of thing. It is pretty far off for me, and lets be honest social security won't be around for people in my age range anyway. I am on my own. So I guess I am practicing for that now.

She also had some serious health issues in December. They found blood clots all through her legs and one was in her lungs when she was rushed to the hospital. She was intensive care for a week or so. She will be on medication for quite a while. Some sort of blood thinner or something. You have to remember when you are homeless and sleeping in a car, you are not getting a great deal of exercise and you don't full stretch out when you are sleeping. She is shorter than I am so it may be a bit easier for her, but I sleep all curled up. I have noticed that I have leg cramps often. I walk as much as I can, but I have felt a difference since my gym membership lapsed.

Well I am next for the job!!! Soon. I feel it.

Monday

2012-02-13T12:59:00.000-05:00

I have had no internet access for the past three days. It has been very cold the past few nights, too cold to sleep in the car. I didn't even make the attempt. But the rest of this week should be fine. The right layers and sleep will come.

I still have not heard back from either of the two jobs I interviewed for, but I was able to find a few more things to send out a resume to. So that is good. Sooner or later something will work itself out.

In the meantime I am starting to look for another part time job and that will at least tide me over until a better full time position comes along. Believe it or not, this is proving just as difficult. People don't like hiring people who just want to supplement another part time position. I don't fully understand why. How is it their business what I am doing when I am not at their workplace?

I went to a job fair earlier in the week. I am not sure how helpful that will be since much of it was for summer internships. I can't afford to be a free intern.

My toe is feeling much better finally. I have a few nights of wearing no socks so that has helped.

Wednesday

2012-02-08T23:04:00.000-05:00

I have not heard back from either interview that I had last week. Maybe I am being inpatient, but in my circumstances I can't really be blamed for that.

Someone is taking me to a job fair later this week. I am not sure how that will go, but I am not going to turn my nose up, especially since this also involves a free hotel room for three nights. She is renting the room for herself for and said I could share the room with her. It is much further to my job, but I don't care. I will not turn down a good nights sleep.

Saturday night is supposed to be in the low 20's. So is Sunday, but at least I will have a place to sleep one of the nights. A shower, a bed, no bra or socks. What could be better?

Work improved a little this week. I had one busy day. I will take it since I didn't have any busy days with the previous pay period. My paycheck is a source of amusement.

Sunday

2012-02-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

The Superbowl is due to start in a few minutes. I don't have anywhere to go and watch it. I like watching the commericals. I also like watching who sings the National Anthem. I didn't even try and find out who was going to be performing today. I think I saw somewhere that Madonna is doing the halftime show. You would think after what happened with Janet Jackson some years back that the last person they would want is Madonna. She is barely dressed on a good day. I do remember dancing around to her music when I was in elementary school. But my parents wouldn't let me dress like her or anything. I doubt they would have given me a cd of hers either. But I don't remember.

It is cold and damp tonight and since it is Sunday and everything closes early that is not fun. The positive was that they changed the original forecast from an ice storm to just rain. At least I have that. I am so tired again today. But it is just boredom that makes me so tired. I don't have the money to go anywhere.

I was thinking that since I have been very good with my money this pay period I may try and find a sports bar to go and watch the game. But since I fell asleep a while ago I am a little late for that now I guess.

But I have to go root for the hometeam. Well, almost hometeam. My state doesn't have any major professional teams so Boston is as good as it gets. I guess I should start looking at the teams here now, but I have never taking a liking to them. Especially the basketball team, they deserve to stink.

I am hoping to get to sleep early tonight. I have a busy week coming up. I have something to do every day this week. That has not happened for me in a long time. It really helps when I am occupied, not just to pass the time, but to keep my mind active.

You get used to sleeping in a car. You get used to the weather elements. You get used to sponge baths and not great meals. But you don't get used to the loneliness and isolation.

Friday

2012-02-03T09:00:00.001-05:00

I think this is one of the first times that I left a job interview without any idea of how it went. It seemed fine. I did some research on the organization beforehand and my list of questions was at the ready. The conversation went smoothly. I made no major faux pas that I am aware of.

When I left I was given a nice handshake and a smile. But they didn't say when they would making a decision or you will hear from so and so. I have no idea if I will hear from them again or not. It sounds like an interesting position, different than what I am used to, but that is a good thing I think.

But, on the up side after leaving there I noticed a voicemail and it was an impromptu phone interview. So, I had two interviews in one week. I have not had that since I lost my job. So I am taking that as a good sign that things are starting to turn around in the industry. Which is a good sign for everyone because advertising departments are almost always the last to be hired back after a recession.

I sent out three more resumes this week. So if I hear back from even one I will be happy. Again this is the most I sent out at one time in quite while. The positions were just not there, but they are popping up more and more now.

I still have that issue with my toe. It doesn't seem to be healing at all. But it is not getting any worse either. I have been able to sleep without shoes most of this week. I even slept without socks the other night. Although, I will admit I should have had shoes on last night. My feet were quite cold when I woke up this morning. All and all I slept pretty well which is nice.

It is going to be cold on Sunday night with ice. But I just don't have the extra money for a hotel room so I will go back to the shelter I guess. I need to be very careful how I spend my money with so much less coming in.

I need to get to the food bank later this week for some cereal and maybe some fruit or granola bars. The bars help fill me up when I can't afford to buy a good sized meal. I also need some peanut butter for the protein. I don't exactly like peanut butter all that much, especially without some jam, but even with the fat it is healthy for me.

But I do know this is getting closer to being over. My biggest hurdle is almost behind me. It is just a matter of waiting for some paperwork at this point. That makes it easier to get through. I just need to keep saving as much money as I can so when I find a more reliable source of income I can find a cheap room to rent. I don't want to sign a long term lease, but that is really the least of my worries at this point.

Monday

2012-01-30T23:39:00.000-05:00

I am very tired tonight, but am unable to go to sleep at the moment. I am having issues with where I usually sleep tonight. I hope it doesn't last much longer because I really can't keep my eyes opened. I am still having some problems with my feet. Well, one toe in particular. There is some sort of sore on it and no matter what I do I can't get it to start healing. I guess I need to get back to the clinic I went to earlier and have them look at it.

I am very stressed about not having very many hours at work anymore. But I should know better than to get myself all worked up. Under the circumstances the best thing I can do is keep moving forward. I have that job interview later this week. I am looking forward to that. I hope you will all keep your fingers crossed for me.

It is going to be a good week sleeping wise, too. The temperatures are not due to get very cold. I have been very lucky with the mild winter so far. I remember last winter when I knew that homelessness was inevitable and wondering how I would survive the cold. Last winter there were many days that never got above freezing and the temperatures at night went into the single digits. So far there has been only one night in the teens. I was able to find a warm place to sleep that night. I have had only one night where it was just too cold for me to sleep in. I stayed in a diner all night. I tried to sleep, but just couldn't do it.

Most nights I am able to fall asleep quite easily and sleep for at least four or five hours. Of course, that isn't really enough, but I have somehow made it work. I found a place to nap in during the day if I have to. So, unless I have to work the next day I do fine.

Right now my biggest worry is going to be money. With me making so little at work I have to be even more careful about how I spend it. So the $1 menu at McDonald's is going to be utilized often.

Thursday

2012-01-26T18:06:00.001-05:00

Good news and bad news. My paycheck is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. So that is good news, but the bad news is as I suspected, they have cut my hours again. The sales have been terrible. They are not allowed to tell us exactly how many hours are cut and how they are going to cut them up. But I am working one less shift next week.

I am lucky that the day that they cut is the slowest of the ones I work. So I won't be missing all that much, but still.

I was really upset about it yesterday. I am still am. I was really feeling that this was almost over for me, but I am feeling unsure of that again. But I do have a job interview next week. It will be a decent paying position as well. I may even be able to move back into my apartment as long as I get a roommate that is reliable with paying the bills on time. But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself yet. I have to pray that it works out.

I slept pretty well last night. I should tonight as well. This is going to be the least cold nights of the week. I am going to sleep in just my socks tonight to help care for my feet. The look better for a bit, then they go back to looking sickly again after a few days. I think the only real solution is to have a real home to sleep in so I can care for them properly, so I will do the best that I can between now and then.

Sunday and Monday nights are going to be cold. I can't afford a hotel room for two nights so I will have to see what I will do about that. I try to not think too far ahead in case something else happens between now and then.

I really need to take a shower. I have been giving myself sponge baths, but I feel kind of grimy. I saw an ad for a gym that only charges $20 per month with no sign up fee. I am sure there are limitations but I could care less about working out right now, I really just want to use the shower a few times a week.

Tuesday

2012-01-24T10:03:00.001-05:00

I slept pretty well last night. I was very tired and went to sleep much earlier than I normally do thinking that since it wasn't that cold out I would take advantage of it. I still can't really sleep long periods in my car. I wake up after a few hours. But since I wasn't cold I was able to go back to sleep. So I feel pretty good today. More awake than I normally feel in the mornings.

I have not a decent meal all week, so since I have spent my money wisely this week I am going to splurge a little on a good meal. I think I will have some soup and salad. I don't always get to eat vegetables. So this will be a bit of treat as well as healthier than what I have been eating for the past week.

There is this place that has a special on pizza's on Monday nights and I figured I could really get anything else that filling for that cheap. That was the greasiest pizza I have had in my life. My stomach was bothering me afterwards, which is really saying something that with all the junk I eat it bothered my stomach.

I also think I am going to go to McDonald's and get a cup of orange juice. That is something else that I can't afford on a regular basis. I probably won't because I still have four days until I get paid. Also, my paycheck won't be much at all since the sales have just been horrible.

The weather is going to be good until Sunday night. That will be the problem night. The rest of the week will be good for sleeping. I am always grateful for the warmer nights, or more accurately the nights that aren't so cold. Tomorrow night I may even be able to sleep without shoes on. Which will be good for my feet. I noticed some skin grossness again this morning, but not nearly as much as I had. So I still need to be very careful. I am not able to soak them, but I washed them as thoroughly as I could with warm water. I dried them thoroughly and patted them down in talc. So they should be good. I will check them again this afternoon and see if I need to get some warm water on them again. I have enough talc and another pair of clean socks with me, so I should be good.

I will tell you, when this is over it will be a long time before I eat something off the McDonald's dollar menu.

Sunday

2012-01-22T09:12:00.000-05:00

As predicted I wasn't able to get much sleep last night, 4 or possibly 5 hours. I woke up about 5 am and was too cold to go back to sleep. I had decided not to go to a movie and that was a good thing, because I would have gotten even less sleep. I figured I would go the movie tonight when everything closes early tonight anyway.

It will be warmer, well not warmer, but not as cold overnight so I should get more sleep than I did last night. Also I can take a pretty long nap during the day tomorrow. That is much harder for me to do on a Sunday, not impossible but hard.

I do have to say I slept very soundly. I remember having a dream. That was the first dream that I remember since this all started. I am normally someone who has very vivid dreams. But not since this has started. I am sure that I have had dreams, but I have no memory of them, and that is not the norm for me.

So I guess that I got some good REM sleep is a plus. But I am so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes opened. But falling asleep where I am is not possible. So I will have to wait until this afternoon to try and catch a nap.

I am very hungry, but my money is very limited between today and Friday so I must be careful. I had something small for breakfast so I have to wait until lunch. But it is hard to have a set routine about eating when your sleeping patterns are so unusual.

Well I am going to take a walk in the still cold morning air to wake myself up.

Saturday

2012-01-21T08:24:00.002-05:00

I didn't realize I have been gone so long. Time flies.

I survived my first homeless snow and ice storm. Luckily it was not so bad. The temperature when I woke up was just under 30 so I was able to sleep pretty well. My feet were a little cold when I woke up, but outside of that I was fine. Tonight will be much trickier. It is due to go down to the mid twenties. If, and only if, you can fall asleep very quickly and you are properly dressed, you will sleep for at least a few hours. But falling asleep quickly is not so easy. You are not exactly comfortable in a car. Since I have to work tonight, I can't get to a shelter in a timely fashion and I am on my own. If I have to, I will grab a book and cup of tea in an all night diner and then try to sleep tomorrow during the day. I have a place I can go to, but it doesn't open until later in the day, but there is nothing else I can do. I am going to see a very late movie so when I am done I will be really tired.

I have come across another new homeless person. She seems to be like me. She has on very nice clothes, has a computer and phone (much fancier than mine). I don't know her story and I probably never will, but she sleeps in very public places. Much more brazen about it than I have been. I, at least, try to subtle about it all. There are also two other women both of Asian descent that I see all the time. I think both are homeless as well. One sleeps in a very public place, the other I just run into some mornings using this public restroom. It isn't that, but how she washes herself up in the restroom that is a little off and makes me think that she is homeless too. I guess I am getting a radar for the homeless around me in a way I have never had in the past.

Work has been terrible lately. I won't be a bit surprised if I lose this job completely. The sales are next to nothing. I am hoping that since today is Saturday, I will have a decent day, but I am not holding my breath. I don't remember it being this bad in January in the past. I hope that I am wrong, and this is just the normal ebb and flow of the sales.

Oh, I guess I should give an update on my feet. They are better. I can tell that already. The skin is peeling off them badly, but I think (I could easily be wrong) that is a sign of health. The skin that was damaged is going away and fresher skin will replace it. I have not allowed them to stay wet since this has all happened. I change my socks at least twice every day, I use a great deal of powder in my socks to help absorb any moisture. I am keeping my boot wearing down, and trying to wear my sneakers and another pair of boots that are not lined as often as possible.

I am just very grateful that Mr/Ms Deekaman told me about the problem, otherwise I think it could have been much worse, so thank you.

Tuesday

2012-01-17T01:37:00.000-05:00

I had to go back to the nurse I saw the other day today. They gave me another voucher to stay in a hotel for another night. They told me my feet need to heal. The skin is damaged from all the sweating from wearing boots all the time. They are also really itchy.

It is nice to have a bed and all that. But I only have until tomorrow morning here and my feet aren't better. So I will have to be more careful about them. I will need to make sure that I am changing my socks as often as I can. I admit that part of it had been laziness. It just isn't easy to pull off all the layers that I wear when it is cold. I stopped wearing tights when I was sleeping because they kept digging into my toes. I can't find seamless tights. I am not sure that they make them. They make them in panty hose, but not tights.

They are still a little red, but they look much better than they did two days ago. The skin looks more or less normal, but they are very dry. I soaked them three times today. They don't smell anymore!! That is something.

I also washed out my bras too. I find it so freeing to not have to wear a bra for a few days. I am a little too curvy to get away without wearing one out in public.

It will be warm enough to sleep most of this week. The only night that may be hard is Wednesday. But some nights are supposed to be in the forties. I may be able to sleep in just socks. Which will help with my feet. I am going to have to start wearing my sneakers during the day, and put on my boots only on really cold days and to sleep in. That should help with the sweating.

It is strange, because I never had sweaty feet before except on really hot summer days. So I don't know why I am having this problem now.

The hotel I am in isn't that nice, but it is free, so I shouldn't complain. I looked it up online and it is very inexpensive, so I guess that is why they have vouchers for it. But one would think that the state would have some kind of standards of being sanitary. I suppose the reason that they don't have to update them is that they get filled up anyway. It seems like I am not the only person in financial need here.

I took a very long nap this afternoon so now I can't sleep and I need to. I don't want to start out tomorrow being tired. I need to sleep soundly when I have the chance.

Oh, they also gave me the name of dentist that will clean my teeth. I have missed that. I really need to get a good cleaning since I have not had one in quite a while. I think I have a cavity too. I have tried very hard to keep my teeth clean and brush often. But I have not eaten well in about a year and I think that may have some effect.

Well I am going to try and sleep for the rest of the night. I need to soak my feet at least one more time before I go.

Saturday

2012-01-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I am going to need a foot transplant after this is over. The skin on my feet doesn't even look human anymore. I can't even describe how gross it is. There is nothing that I can do about it, because I need to wear the heavy boots to stay warm, but they get very sweaty when I am inside. I can't carry around my boots everywhere. I guess I could, but it isn't very practical. They also just smell so bad too. It is just plain gross.

I am also just so tired all the time. You just can't sleep that long when it is this cold. I only get maybe four or five hours a night. That just isn't enough. I won't be able to go anywhere to take a nap until Tuesday because of the MLK holiday on Monday. The place I go to for naps will be closed.

But I have figured out some things about myself during this process. I have realized that I am hearty. I have survived this much to my own amazement. I have learned that you can sleep without a blanket. Something I didn't think it was possible until you try to sleep in a car when it is 80 degrees at 2 a.m.. I realized that you can sleep in a car when it is 25 degrees out if you layer your clothes properly. I have realized I can sleep through hearing trucks emptying out dumpsters. I don't even wake up at it anymore.

I have figured out how to keep yourself clean when you don't have access to a shower. I have learned to realize my own company is not so bad. I have figured out that you can still keep your pride when others look at you as someone who doesn't deserve respect. I have also realized that pride sometimes gets in your way.

I have figured out how to fill yourself up with very limited funds. But I think the most important thing I have figured out was how not to lose hope even when things are bad and it feels like it won't get better. It will get better. You just have to keep working at it and moving forward.

This isn't over yet, but I am getting closer. I got an email today and my federal income tax will file on Tuesday, so that is going to be a huge help to me and give me the ability to get over my biggest hurdle that I am facing. I should also be able to get most, if not all, of my car repairs done.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and brighter.

Wednesday

2012-01-11T14:38:00.000-05:00

I was having an issue with my computer. For some strange reason it removed my virus protection software and wouldn't allow me to reload it. It kept telling me that I had a hard disk error. Luckily, Mr. Christopher was able to instruct me about how to check my hard drive on my own and there is no problem other than piece of software. He also gave me a name of something that I could download for free. So I am able to get back on the internet without worrying about some bad guys doing God knows what to my computer. So, thanks Mr. Christopher.

It has been a long week for some reason. I am not sure why. But I was able to get a nap yesterday afternoon which is always a treat. I didn't sleep all that great last night. My almost brand new battery is dead. I have to take it to the place where I bought to get it replaced. I am not paying for it again that is for sure. I paid over $150 to get it installed. That was only in September. I just need to find my receipt. It can't be possible that it isn't under warranty at this point. This is the second time I couldn't get it started. The AAA guy came and did some sort of diagnostic test on it and said my alternator and starter are fine, but the battery is completely dead, it has 0 CCM's I think he said. He was able to get it started and then told me I need to drive it around and let it run for about 15 minutes to get it recharged. I did that, but last night again it wouldn't start. I didn't want to call AAA two days in a row for the same problem, so I am just going to wait until I can get it to that place. I have to go near there today so I am going to see if the mechanic is still there to talk to. If not I will call them in the morning.

So it was cold this morning. But someone told me that Walmart has sleeping bags that are supposed to keep you warm to 15 degrees for only $40. That is quite a bit of money to me, but it just may be worth the cost. I just don't know if they will still have them. I have to stop there on Friday when I get paid to see.

It is going to be pretty cold this weekend. I will get by for the next few nights, not so cold. But this weekend is going to be in the low 20's. That is just too cold for me. Since I really don't have the money for a motel, I will have to go to the shelter again I guess. I hate it there.

There is class warfare even among the homeless. Since I have more than most homeless they don't like me much. Which is fine, I am not really trying to make life long friendships at this point in my life, just trying to survive. So I guess I am in the 1% of the homeless. Kind of funny if you think about it. "Regular" people look at me like human trash because I am homeless and the other homeless look at me with jealousy I guess. So I guess the name of my blog is very apropos; I am on the outside looking in.

Sunday

2012-01-08T12:13:00.000-05:00

Work didn't go well at all this week, so that is not good for the paycheck. What there will be of it. I will just have to deal and be very, very careful with the money that I have, been there already.

I am waiting to do my income tax return. That will help me, but they won't accept any electronic filings for another two weeks or something like that. I was hoping to have my return by the end of the month, but that doesn't look like it will happen. Early February will be more like it. I should get back everything since I live below what is considered the poverty line. Which if you think about it, I should be since I am homeless. I don't know what threshold is to be considered living in poverty legally. But if only having enough money to live in a car isn't it, I don't know what is.

I have food for the week, at least I hope I do. I should. There is a grocery store that has a microwave they let people use, so I can always get a can of soup or spaghetti o's which are cheap. Not very filling, but at least it will be something. I am not overly worried about that for right now. I also have enough on my bus card to get me back and forth to work this week. So I am good for now.

It will be after I get paid that things will get tricky because I have a bunch of bills that are due. I may have to dip into my stash to keep my checking account from becoming overdrawn and getting a bunch of fees. Not that anyone wants to spend their money that way, but it is especially troubling when you are living hand to mouth having your money wasted in that way.

I slept well last night, so that is always nice. I like it when I don't start the day really dragging, because if you start out that way, you can just imagine what I feel like by the time I am ready to go to sleep. I feel like the walking dead. Also, tonight is Sunday, when everything closes early. I don't have the money for a movie either.

Have a good Sunday all.

Thursday

2012-01-05T11:23:00.002-05:00

I got through the cold night and had a warm place to stay. It wasn't nice, but like I said it was warm and it did the job. I was able to shower too. So that was good.

I have had a bad few days at work this week, so that is not good. I have to hope that this weekend picks up, otherwise I am going to have another very sad looking paycheck. It will still be better than the last one, but I have more bills to pay with this one. My phone bill is due shortly. My property taxes went up so I now have to start paying a portion of that myself. That will be due shortly too.

I make progress and then something else happens to slow that progress down. There is nothing that I can do about it, so I just need to keep moving forward without feeling sorry for myself.

I ran into that homeless woman who helped me get to my storage unit several months back. I thought she was getting back on her feet, but it doesn't look that way. The job she thought she had with a friend of hers isn't giving her much work, her unemployment has run out, and no real prospects in sight. She is older and has health issues that makes working retail very difficult. She also was recently in the hospital with blood clots. She will be on medication for quite a while to thin her blood. But the good news is that at least she found a place to stay temporarily. Nothing fancy, a small room in a basement that doesn't have a bed, but it has heat and a bathroom. I guess with blood clots sleeping in her car just isn't an option anymore. I am not in position to offer her much, if anything, and won't be for quite some time I would think.

The young kid I kept seeing is gone. Maybe he worked things out with his parents and went back home. He couldn't have been more than 18 or 19.

I have not seen the vet in quite a while. I hope he is ok. I guess it is easier for me to worry about others, that way I don't have to think about myself so much.

But I still have not seen creepy guy. So that is really good news. I will take what I can get.

I will get some extra hours next week, so that should help me a bit, if I get some sales.

I need to find some inexpensive food for the day, so I am off.

Monday

2012-01-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

I must say that I there are some sick people in the world. At the shelter there was this young couple having sex on the floor in front of everyone while they were trying to sleep. Any doubt that some of you may have had about why I resist the shelter should be gone.

Who wants to see that? I sure don't. If I could have left I would have. But I was unable to, no more buses for the night. I am going to try and get through in my car tonight. It is only going to be in the mid 20's so while I will be cold, I think I can survive the night with a small amount of sleep. The place that I can go to and take a nap opens at 10 tomorrow morning. So I can just get through the night and sleep there. There is an all night restaurant that I am going to park near tonight so if worse comes to worse I will grab a book and sit there with a hot drink and nurse it as long as I can.

Tomorrow night that won't be possible, it will be too cold. I will have to find a place to go. I don't have enough for a decent hotel room, so I will be forced back to the shelter I guess unless I can find another solution between now and then. These will be the two coldest nights of the week. The rest of the week I will be fine I think. Mid thirties I can sleep pretty well if I am dressed right.

Sunday

2012-01-01T10:22:00.000-05:00

I survived New Year's Eve and I did it without any tears. I saw two movies; New Year's Eve and The Descendants. Neither was worth $12. New Year's Eve was cute in it's way. It had a big cast with stories that intertwined with each other and by the end it came full circle. Somewhat predictable but there was one or two twists that I didn't expect. The Descendants had George Clooney in it. It is about a man whose wife is in a boating accident and falls into a coma. After the accident he finds out things about her he really wishes he didn't know. He is also dealing with some long time family business. So it goes back and forth between his family today and how they are dealing with the accident and his family from long ago. It is very heavy. If you not in the mood for that don't go see it. It was ok. I will say that George Clooney runs funny, and he looks old now. I thought it was pretty good. I missed the first ten minutes, but I still enjoyed it. Made my problems seem not so bad. It takes place in Hawaii and the scenery was very nice. I have never been and always wanted to go. One day, maybe.

I got back to my car after 1 so it was all over with. I didn't have to worry about the big moment of a brand new year. It was comfortable enough to sleep just fine. I was a little cold when I woke up this morning, but I only used two blankets and I really should have used the third one. But, I didn't have to sleep in my boots or keep my coat zippered. Always a plus.

The place I like to go on Sunday's is closed today for the holiday, so I have to find something else to occupy my time. It is supposed to be very mild out today, so maybe I will just find a sunny place to sit for a while and enjoy the warmth. It looks like the last I will be getting for a while. Tonight will be fine for sleeping, but the rest of the week is going to very cold for sleeping. The church that is taking in the homeless for Operation Hypothermia is easy for me to get to, so I will more than likely end up there on the days I don't work. But on days that I work it is too late, by the time I get there it will be full. So I will be on my own those nights. But I will have to find a way to make due and just run the heat in the car every 90 minutes or so for about ten minutes. I will only get about three hours of sleep that way, but there is nothing that I can do. If I don't have to work the next day it isn't so bad, because I have found a place that I can nap. They don't bother me at all. But when I do have to work the next day, it is awful. I am so tired that I can barely think.

I have to just keep telling myself that this is almost over.

Saturday

2011-12-31T13:18:00.001-05:00

I am feeling very sad today. I am on the verge of tears. I was fine last weekend. Isn't it strange that I am more upset on New Year than Christmas? I guess I keep thinking I should be at a party tonight like I normally have done in the past. Isolation is one of the hardest parts of being homeless. I have caught myself talking to myself on a few occasions, I guess just out of loneliness.

I have decided to go to the movies tonight. It is the cheapest alternative that I have. I will wander from theater to theater I guess until it is time for me to go to sleep. I will have heat and a bathroom which is what I really need. I have not gone to a movie in quite some time. It isn't something that I feel is a useful way to use my very limited funds. But I will make an exception for the weekend. I may have to do that tomorrow too, but I will see about that. I can't really go sit in a restaurant tonight since it is a busy night and they won't want some homeless person taking a up table when my bill would be quite small.

There isn't anything that really interests me playing. I guess I will see New Year's Eve and some movie I never heard of called Young Adult.

I have found a place that will be open early in the morning tomorrow so I will sleep near there to have a bathroom in the morning. The weather is really nice, unseasonably warm for January. That comes to a very abrupt end on Monday, but for the next two nights I will sleep just fine. I just looked at the weather report again, Tuesday is going to be awful. It won't get above freezing all day. That is a problem because like today, the car is being warmed up by the sun right now. It gets quite warm in there during the day, so it holds some of the heat. I guess I could be wrong about that, but I have found that to be true, or maybe it is all in my head. Either way, tonight will be easy to sleep in.

I just don't have the money for a hotel on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so off to the shelter I must go. As I have said many times, the shelters are awful. They are full of people who are substance abusers and mentally ill, so I don't feel safe there. Not so much in a physical sense, but I can't afford to have my things stolen. I don't have that much, so I have to hold unto what I have. I can handle the temperatures down to the upper 20's. I can keep myself warm enough to fall asleep and stay asleep for about four hours or so. But once it gets colder than that I just can't keep myself warm enough to stay asleep for very long. I had thought about getting a down blanket, but I can't afford that. I stopped in some outdoor clothing store and asked about hiking in low temperatures and they showed my clothing that they said would keep you insulated to about zero degrees. The stuff was really, really, and I mean really expensive. Not something that I can spend my limited funds on especially when you consider what would I use them for when this over? Which, if I stay on target, will be shortly. Not days, maybe not even weeks, but it should be less than two months as long as nothing else happens that causes me to spend money I hadn't planned for. My original goal was for this to be only six months, but my more realistic goal of one year should be reachable.

Happy New Year to you and your families.

Friday

2011-12-30T22:22:00.000-05:00

I thought I had things worked out for where I could go for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, but that didn't end up working out. Now I have no place to go and everything will be closing early. This won't be fun. I won't even be able to get to a shelter because I have to work on tomorrow and when I work it is too late to get into the shelter. So I am going to on my own. I am hoping I can at least go to a movie. I have never gone to a movie on New Year's before, I am not even sure they are running movies. I know that they do on Thanksgiving. I will have to check that.

Also it is going to be very cold Monday and Tuesday nights. Down in the mid teens. But I can get to a shelter on those two nights so I will be ok for that. Tonight is going to be great sleeping weather, not even below freezing. So I will sleep well. I didn't sleep well at all on Wednesday night because I was too chilly. I wasn't really cold, but chilly. I am not sure if that makes sense. But I kept waking up. I looked like the walking dead on Thursday. But I did sleep well Thursday night.

I was thinking I would stay in a hotel this weekend, but I just didn't have a big enough paycheck to afford it. It really was a joke. The lowest paycheck I have gotten in about a year. Only $220 for two weeks. I had to pay my storage bill, put more money on bus card, and keep money for my phone bill which is due before I get paid again. That pretty much took everything that I have. I do have some cash, but not much. But I will be ok on food. I can go to the place that serves food to the homeless next week. I don't go all the time because it is not close by for me, but when I am short I take advantage of it. I am working a few extra days this week and next so that helps with food too. I can use the microwave for soup and spaghetti o's. I have this feeling that I will never want to see either of those foods ever again once this over. But it has kept me fed. I also have enough clean clothes to last for a while, so that will be good too.

Tuesday

2011-12-27T09:55:00.000-05:00

It is cold and rainy today. Not something that is good for me when it comes to sleeping. But it could be worse, it could be snow. From what I can see from the weather reports the warmer nights have come to an end. It will be getting very cold this week. Great! I guess the shelter is in my future this week. A few nights it is going to be in the low 20's and that I can't really handle. Especially since the hours for stores and things have gone back to normal now that Christmas is over.

I really hate the shelters. But I am going to see which church they are using for operation hypothermia this week and maybe that work better for me. Either way, I will need to find a warmer place to stay at least two nights this week. Tomorrow night being one of them.

I won't have much money for at least two weeks because my next paycheck is going to be something to laugh at not live on. I am not sure it will cover my monthly expenses. Which means I have to dip into my stash. Which I hate doing because that just prolongs my homelessness. But what else can I do?

This is my life, so there is no point getting myself all worked up over it. But I really can't wait for this to be over with. I have had a enough. I get emails from people saying how strong I am and things like that. I don't see that. I am just surviving and dealing with the options that I have.

I have enough food so that is good news. I will take that this week.

Saturday

2011-12-24T23:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived Christmas Eve. I had a good night. I was invited to someones house to celebrate with their family. It was fun, but a little sad for me. Sad, because it wasn't my family that I was with, but fun because there were little kids there and they had so much fun.

I have always opened gifts on Christmas morning, but they do it on Christmas Eve. We went to a church program with a live nativity scene, had a big dinner and then opened gifts. I was a little surprised about how they do the gifts. I guess I expected to see tons of presents for the kids, but they do only three gifts each. She told me that was what Jesus got so she doesn't see the need to give her kids more than that. I never would have thought of that myself, but it is a good point. They also don't exchange gifts between adults she says Christmas is about a birth of a baby, and it should be about the children. We also watched the Sound of Music while the kids played with their new toys.

There was some not really good fish that smelled. I don't feel bad saying that because I was warned that it was smelly, but she says it is not Christmas without it. I tried it, but I didn't really like it very much. The sauce was good, but the fish was not really my cup of tea. The little girl ate it up though, which I found to be funny.

I am going to sleep good tonight and I guess I will nap most of tomorrow. I don't get to sleep in a bed too often so I want to take advantage of it. I was given some leftovers for tomorrow so I don't have to spend any more money on groceries so that helps me out.

I am grateful that I have a place to stay tonight and tomorrow night. All and all I can't complain. I miss my Aunt, but I talked to her earlier and she is having a good day and they have activities planned for them tomorrow. So she is in good hands. I don't have to worry about her being alone. I know she worries about me as much as I worry about her. It has been hard on me to hide this from her, but I know it is the right thing, because she isn't in a position to help me and it will just make her sick with worry if she understood the situation. So this is best.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas.

I also want to say a very deeply felt thank you for those that found it in their hearts to help me out and to those who sent me special wishes for Christmas. Your generosity has humbled me. I really am going to be short for the next few weeks because of the time of year and not making much money this month. This will help me make sure I can pay my bills and have food until my next paycheck in January. I can hardly keep my eyes open so I am going to get some sleep.

Thursday

2011-12-22T15:20:00.000-05:00

The weather has been kind to me. It was very warm last night for late December. I was able to sleep in just socks so my feet could get some much needed airing out. Like I said I have issues with my skin because of my feet getting so sweaty when it is cold out. So I am grateful for that. They feel much better today. The skin is very gross looking. I have mentioned before I have a strange fascination with sportscenter (one of the things that I miss most about no TV) and my feet look like an athletes foot that you see being attended to by a trainer. Not very pretty.

I can't say that I got enough sleep though. I have been very anxious lately. The closer it gets to me being out of this the more nervous I am getting. I am almost over the biggest hurdle I have been facing. I have not gone into the details of that but it has been my biggest stumbling block and I am close to getting it taken care of. Once that is done I do think everything else will fall into place within a month or so.

I should feel this sense of relief but I don't. Well, I do, but I guess all these doubts are creeping in. I think I may be trying to protect myself in case something else goes wrong and I am not able to find a housing situation early next year. I have thought it would be over before now, so I guess I am bracing myself for the additional disappointment I will feel if this continues.

But I am trying to make some decisions. Stupid things like do I buy a bed before I find a place to live or do I just sleep on the floor until I can really afford one? I did it before, with enough blankets on the floor it is not so bad. I sold my bed as a way to raise money and not end up homeless, but I just didn't have enough things to sell. But it did keep my rent paid for a time so it helped. I can get an air mattress for the time being, but they are not cheap either.

It is my nature to plan, but this experience has taught me that sometimes you just have to go with the flow. So I am not sure if thinking about these things is a good idea or not.

Tuesday

2011-12-20T18:00:00.001-05:00

Well that was a waste of my time and money on my bus pass. I was told that these people would be willing to help me. They were not. I am no longer surprised by the responses I get. Go to a shelter here, go to a food bank there. Here is some cereal. Band-aids, not help.

I have known from the beginning that ultimately I was the only one that was going to get myself out of this. But I didn't realize exactly how true those words were.

Oh well. No time to feel bad, just have to move on and figure out a solution.

I am really hungry today, but my budget is tight so I am going to have make due on fruit for the rest of the day. I had a good breakfast, but I ate earlier than I usually do. So now I am very hungry. I work tomorrow, so I can make some things in the microwave. I wonder if any notices that I eat three meals there on the days that I work? I also work until late so that helps me.

Wow, it was great sleeping weather last night. I got to sleep without shoes!!! You have no idea what it is like to always have to have a full set of clothes on 24 hours a day. It is one of the things that you never think about. You can't take your bra off. When it is cold you have to have shoes and socks on all the time. You are always wearing a coat and usually a hat. Which is another reason why it is so important for the homeless to wash up every day. Your clothes are always on you so your body oils are always getting on them. I change clothes everyday, or at least try to. Sometimes I just can't, but I do try. I don't always get to do laundry as often as I should. But I change the clothes closest to my skin daily. I am really glad that I hung onto many of my summer shirts. They have really come in handy. I wear those as my under layer.

Monday

2011-12-19T15:50:00.000-05:00

Bad news and even more bad news.

My boss told me that they may be cutting hours again if business doesn't pick up. Which of course means I would be out of job. The one positive in that would be that I guess I could collect unemployment if I lose my job all together. But since I don't have an address that may mean I can't.

I thought my car was in a safe place and come to find out it really isn't. So I am going to have to find another solution and do it soon. I have a few names of people that I think I can talk to and will have to do that tomorrow. It is too late in the day for me try and talk to them now. The place is not in a good neighborhood and I am not very familiar so I would prefer to do it during daylight hours since I have to walk. I hope that they can come up with another solution for me. I shouldn't really complain, I have been safe in this location for a while now. But the place that I have to contact is very far from my job and will be much more difficult for me to get back and forth to work if they let me stay there or at least let me keep my car there.

The one good bit of good news is that it will be somewhat warmer for the rest of the week so I should be able to sleep just fine.

I saved up my money to stay in a hotel Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Which is wonderful. The problem is that I just looked at the weather reports and Monday and Tuesday night are due to be much colder. I can't afford to stay more than two nights, so that won't be fun. But there is nothing that I can do about it.

Another piece of good news is that I should have two good sales at work this week. I need to keep my fingers crossed because last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a long time. So my next paycheck is not going to be good. I wanted to be able to stay somewhere on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day since so many things will be closed and I have no place to use a bathroom. But I don't think that is going to be possible. Even that fleabag motel place is out my reach right now.

I am in need of a Christmas Angel. Hey, I can dream right?

Sunday

2011-12-18T13:04:00.001-05:00

Early this morning I was woken up by the police. Luckily for me it wasn't me that they were talking to. It was that homeless woman I talked about yesterday.

They told her that she could either leave or they would arrest her for trespassing. She chose to leave instead. It is too bad they didn't come early in the night when it was much colder and they could have brought her to a shelter.

I was really scared that I was next. But if they noticed me at all, they just left me alone. I would think that someone complained that she was there. There are people in and out of that building at all hours, day and night. That is why I never go over there. I can see it, but I don't go on the property for any reason. I always figured I was asking for trouble by going over there.

You see people are only sympathetic to the homeless that they don't see. Just imagine if a homeless person set up camp near your home. You wouldn't like it, would you? You would wonder if they were dangerous or were they going to steal from you. It is a reasonable thing to think. Obviously they are broke.

The really strangest thing was that someone dropped her off there in the middle of the night. Isn't that strange to you? She found a stranger (I assume anyway, since she has asked me for rides) to drop her off in the middle of the night. I suppose it is nice that they did it, since she carries around a great deal of stuff. But you just drop off a homeless woman alone in an empty parking lot in the middle of night and drive off back to your life?

I only started her seeing her on a regular basis in the past couple of weeks. I had seen her once before on the bus months ago, but going to the opposite direction of where she was this morning. I am thinking she finds a warm and safe place to stay during the day and then just sleeps somewhere near there. People complain then she just finds the next place to go to.

Which is a little of what I have done, but I move around just because of this reason. I have found that people won't say too much if you are not there on a daily basis. If they see you once a week or once a month they will leave you alone. Except for the person who called the police this morning. Or maybe she has been there many times and I don't know about it. Which of course is possible.

I won't be staying in the same place tonight. Better safe than sorry. I was given a phone number for a lawyer who will help with homeless people and their rights. Yes, there are such people. I should call them and ask if they had the right to threaten to arrest her today. But, it isn't really my business, so maybe I should just mind my own.

Like I said, I am very short on money this month with this being our slowest month of the year at work, so there is nothing that I can do to help her. I don't have an extra fleece lined hat or another pair of boots. I keep almost everything of any value and what I don't use in my storage locker so I don't have to worry about it being stolen.

Well, say a little prayer for that woman tonight that she has a safe place to sleep. They don't seem to want her around here. She is much more obviously homeless than I am. A major sin. If you are going to be homeless, do your best not to look it. Once people know you are homeless, you are basically human trash. I put my make up on everyday, I always have on clean clothes, and I wash my body everyday. So I am presentable to the world.

Saturday

2011-12-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

I think I have mentioned another woman who I have been seeing very regularly lately. She must be schizophrenic, she spends most of her time talking to herself. Anyway - I ran into her last night and she asked me for some money. I don't even have enough money for myself this month, so there is no way I can give any to her.

I watched her pull all of her belongings into this entrance way and go to sleep for the evening. It was cold last night. Not really cold, but still cold. Her coat isn't that warm, her hat and gloves are just knits, not even fleece lined, and her blanket looks really old. I felt so bad for her. She was still there when I woke up this morning too. She is just like that vet guy I see often. He won't take his medication, so he will never improve his life.

I have to keep telling myself on my down days that I am very lucky to have a car to sleep in. It doesn't run well, but it at least gives me some protection. I have warm clothes and boots. I have a fleeced line hat. My gloves are flimsy, but they will do. I don't have to constantly ask complete strangers for money just so I can eat.

I also realize that this isn't going to be the rest of my life. I sometimes feel that way, but it is just stress and anxiety that makes me feel that way.

I have almost no more money for the rest of the month, but I have some food stored up that I can eat at work and I am spending the night in a hotel on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I saved my money up for that. I will have a place to use the rest room, I will have a warm bed, a hot shower, and place to fix a small meal for myself. I am truly blessed compared to this woman.

So if I am feeling down on Christmas Day, I am going to remember that.

Thursday

2011-12-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

It is a warm day for mid December. How thankful I am. I will sleep well tonight. It is going to be cold this weekend though. Mid twenties both Saturday and Sunday nights. That will not be a good sleeping weather. On Monday I can go to the library and take a nap. But Sunday's are hard. My options of places to go are very limited. It is slightly better because of Christmas, stores are staying open later.

Today was my last day of being able to shower whenever I want. My gym membership ended and I don't have the money to renew it. So this is going to become a problem. I have not quite figured out how I am going to solve it. The places to shower at the shelter are nasty, and I mean nasty. I will have to deal with that on a day to day basis. This is one of the things that I am not going to completely stress myself out about because I can't change it. I have realized that one of the reasons I was not sleeping well was due to stress. When I don't sleep well it just makes everything else harder.

Tuesday

2011-12-13T21:58:00.001-05:00

It has been very cold for the past few nights. I was going to stay in a shelter, but I thought I would see how I did before I put myself through that. I was ok the first night. I slept well as a matter of fact. The second night not so much. But, I will tell you the boots that I was given have been a godsend. They really do keep my feet warm. While they are still a little cold when I wake up they are not like blocks of ice they would have been had I had on my sneakers. I should have put on one more layer on top and I think I would have been fine.

This is the last night in the twenties for a few days so I will be ok. One night this week is supposed to be in the mid forties so that will be good. I can deal with that easily.

I just really hate the shelters so I avoid them if at all possible. I do have some good news, I have gotten a place to go to the bathroom easily in the mornings now. So that is very helpful. I was trying to avoid fluids past 9:30 so I wouldn't have to go so badly first thing in the morning.

I am still not faring well with internet access, but that is something that I will just learn to live without. I have learned to live without many things for the past two years, so this is just one more. I keep telling myself that this is almost over, and I can start to get my life back to some normalcy. I am not sure what normal means for me anymore though.

I can't imagine that I will be the same person I was before this downward spiral started. I hope that I have become more compassionate. Not that I think that I wasn't before, but I did concentrate on my own life and didn't really pay attention to the rest of the world. I hope that is something I won't revert back to. I also hope that this diary of sorts has helped other people too.

I am not so sure that I have given much practical advice to others who are in a similar situation or feeling like it could happen to them if their finances don't improve soon. The most practical advice I can give is to realize that not many people are going to help you, and be willing to accept it when it does come along.

I think admitting that you can't do it on your own is hard thing that becomes a barrier for people. You need to put your pride aside and accept it when people offer to help. If someone wants to give you food, take it. You may not know when it will come again. If someone wants to help out with rent money, accept it. But don't become bitter if that help is not forthcoming.

You can keep yourself clean when you are homeless, so do it. You will feel better when your clothes and your body is clean. It may not mean a full shower, but you can wash yourself in restrooms with soap. Brush your teeth a few times a day too. The last thing you need is to get a cavity or something.

Most importantly, realize that you are not alone. When you take a look around you will find many other homeless too. In a strange sort of way that will give you comfort. It helps you feel less like a failure.

In the winter, wear plenty of layers. Wear two or three lightweight shirts under a heavier sweater or sweatshirt, it really does help keep you warmer. So does wearing sweatpants over your pants when you are trying to sleep. That little extra will give you the warmth you need to fall asleep. Once you are asleep, you will get heat from your body.

I did see that vet again. He seems like a very nice man. I dont' have any extra food this week, so I hope that he has been eating. I usually give him my extra. I have not seen that lady with the cleaning fetish in a long time. I hope she is ok. But a few other homeless have drifted into my sphere. They all seem to have mental health problems. I guess the medications must be pretty bad to them if they are homeless instead of taking their pills. One of the women is pretty bold. She just goes right up to people and tells them she is homeless and hungry or needs a ride. She manages to get food that way. I don't do that. But I guess that is just not my personality. So more power to her that she can be bold like that I guess.

But the happiest thing I can report is that I have not seen creepy guy in quite some time. I am hoping that I never have to see him again. My plan is for this be to over in about 6-10 weeks. Here is hoping that I never run into him again.

Sunday

2011-12-11T12:55:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to find out if the kids that were shot by their mom in the welfare office are doing better, but I can't find any info. I am not going to try and defend what this woman did, she must have had some serious problems that go beyond not having money for food.

But, I will say that I do understand how it feels to think that your options are very limited. I know that some people will think I did this to myself. In some ways may be they are right, but only to a degree. I may have been able to stave it off a little longer than I did, but it would have happened at some point in any event. I should have rented my home sooner. But, that would have only given a few more months in rent money. It wouldn't have solved my problems.

I am lucky in the respect that it is just me. I can make do with little food for a few days or even a week if I have to. I have found things that fill me up, even if artificially. Apples and a glass of water will make you feel full. It won't last all day, but it will help you if you are feeling very hungry. You can buy an apple for about $1 and find a water fountain, so it will cost you next to nothing. But you can't do that everyday without feeling very weak over a period of time. Eventually you will need something more.

As I said, it is just me. But for people who have to look at their children who are hungry, it must be a gut wrenching experience as a parent. I don't have kids so I don't know. But I would imagine the guilt you would feel for not being able to feed your children must be overwhelming.

The one thing that I know for sure is that government is not really set up to help people get out of their situation. All they do is keep you in it. They give you band-aids instead of the care that you really need to help get yourself out of it. I don't even make the attempt to contact any government offices anymore, it is just banging my head on the wall and all I end up with is a headache.

This woman seems to be a special case in the fact that she didn't do what was necessary and then reacted by hurting her own children. I read somewhere once that there is some sort of mental illness that when you can no longer care for your family the way you feel you should be you kill them. Luckily it is very rare. I just hope that those kids get the help that they need. They will need a great deal of love and understanding to deal with the aftermath of being shot by their own mother. I hope that they have other family to be sent to. Foster care is not always a good thing. You don't always end up with good people who want to help you.

Friday

2011-12-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you remember but I had said previously that for the homeless feet are really important. Well, this experience is really showing on my feet. I have all kinds of blisters and my skin looks awful. Most of it is because of them being sweaty so much of the time. You are stuck between your feet being cold or being hot. When it is cold you need to wear layers to stay warm, but you can't always find the sweet spot of being warm and being too hot. When it was summer I could easily put lotion on them, but that is much harder now that I have all these layers on.

Tonight for instance is going to be right around the freezing mark so I need to have several layers on to sleep comfortably. I slept fine last night and the temperature was about the same, but I had on tights and socks with a pair of lined boots. Had I not done that I would have been cold. I have tried sleeping in my sneakers in this weather and my feet feel like blocks of ice when I wake up.

My skin is also very dry, because with all the layers it is next to impossible to put lotion on in the evenings before I sleep. So I get itchy because of the lack of moisture.

Just one more thing to look forward to when this is finally over. Sleeping without socks with feet and legs that have just been doused in lotion.

Thursday

2011-12-08T23:04:00.001-05:00

I am really tired. I didn't sleep well last night at all. It was not so much the cold, but the wind. I am not exactly sure why it kept me awake, but it did. I was able to take a nap this afternoon for a few hours, but I am still really feeling tired.

Tonight is due to be colder than last night, but it is not nearly as windy. So I am hoping that I can get myself warm enough to sleep and stay asleep for at least six hours.

I am also feeling very hungry, but I just don't have much in the way of extra money for the next week or so, and budgeting my food costs is vital for me this week. The days I work are fine, I can use the microwave. But the days I don't is when it gets difficult.

I also can't take naps on the days I work. So it is important for me to get as much sleep as I can the night before. Especially since work is kind of slow right now, and it gets boring just standing around. Which I guess I don't do much else other times either, but at least I can read or something.

My gym membership expires next week and I don't have enough to extend it, so I am losing my free place to shower. There is that sink I can use, but it will difficult with the cold weather. It was no big deal in the summer time.

I am just hoping that this is going to be over soon. It has been a real emotional drag on me and it is showing.

Tuesday

2011-12-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

The weather has been delightful this week. Warm enough that I don't even need a coat to sleep. That will be becoming to an abrupt end later this week. It is supposed to go down to the low twenties by the weekend. I don't know how long it is going to last. I keep hoping for a El Nino winter. Or is it El Nina? Whichever it is, I hope to have as much of that this winter as possible.

I will have to go the shelter again this weekend. I will try Thursday night and see how that goes. If it is too cold to sleep, I will go to the shelter for the balance of the weekend. My car is safe where it is, so that is big relief. It just isn't close to internet access or to a bathroom that is easy to get to first thing in the mornings. I have stopped having any fluids after 9:30 so I don't have to go so badly when I wake up. For some strange reason I still have to go when I wake up. I don't understand it. I have no fluids and go at least twice before going to sleep and I still have to go. Where are these fluids coming from? Maybe this explains my recent weight gain. I must be retaining a great deal of water. I don't understand why. I try to eat as well as I can under the circumstances. I eat some vegetables at least once a week. I eat fiber every day, and I get as much protein as I can. Maybe I am eating too much bread. But the bread is filling so it helps me.

I have started looking at roommate rental listings to see how much they are. I am hoping that I will have enough saved up by February to get a place and be able to pay three months in rent saved up. If nothing else goes wrong, I just may make it. But I have to remember how little money I make this month at my job. It is the slowest month of the year for me. But I am not going to move somewhere until I know that I have some cushion and will be able to pay the rent for three months. That will give me the time to figure out how to make it work moving forward. I don't want to end up in the same position again. This is going to be one time only experience.

Sunday

2011-12-04T22:10:00.000-05:00

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I don't have as much access to the internet at the moment. So, it has been harder for me to post. Things are going about the same. Some nights are really cold, but there is still some warm nights too. Well, not warm, but not really cold either. With the proper clothing and my blankets I am fine. The other night I was colder than I needed to be. I didn't put on a turtle neck and I should have. The problem is I hate wearing high collars, really hate it. I feel like it is chocking me. But, I need to keep my skin covered in order to stay warm.

I also have problems with my feet getting sweaty. If I don't wear heavy socks and sleep with shoes on, I am cold. If I do sleep with them on my feet get sweaty and then they stink. Since taking a shower everyday isn't always possible it is dilemma. But, I have to go with being warm.

This is a very slow time at work right now. You work longer hours because of extra hours for shopping season, but people concentrate more on buying for others, not for themselves. It picks up again the day after Christmas, but it is very slow most of December. My sales this week weren't horrible, but they were not great either. But, I have some stash so I will be alright for the rest of the month. I am going to need to stay in a hotel Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I have a place to use a bathroom. But, I looked online and they are somewhat affordable. If I can't find a nice one, I can stay in the flee bag place.

It is going to somewhat warm tonight and even warmer tomorrow night, so I should get some good sleep. I have enough food to last me for a the rest of the week, so that is good too.

Well I am going to get to sleep early, since I should be warm enough. I did stay in a shelter the other night, and I really do hate it, but it was too cold. So I am going to take advantage of the weather.

Have a good night all.

Tuesday

2011-11-29T01:07:00.000-05:00

Well I have a solution for my car. Albeit a temporary one, but a solution. So that is a great deal off my shoulders. I will have access to it when I need it and it will be safer. So I hope this is a start to the break I need to get my life back in better order.

I also made some contact with some former clients from my last job to see if they have any freelance work for me. It will be a pain with taxes, but that really is the least of my concerns at the moment. I am hoping for the best.

I had a good dinner tonight. I try to eat one really one good meal a week and tonight was it. I had steak and a baked potato with a Greek salad. I found a coupon online so it wasn't overly expensive and if I eat raman noodles at work for the rest of the week I will be good.

I did make up a most of the sales I lost the previous week over the weekend between Black Friday and Saturday. I was asked to work an extra shift this week so my outlook for the next paycheck seems promising. We also usually get a bonus between the week of Christmas and New Years. Last year that helped me stayed housed a few extra months. The sales are down this year, so it will be less, but if I can get my car fixed I will be grateful.

Friday

2011-11-25T18:46:00.000-05:00

I had a good day at work today. I really needed it since I made no money last week whatsoever. I could have made more if the people I work with were honest, but they are not. They will cheat and steal to get money. I am homeless and still realize that I need to still look at myself in the mirror at the end of every day. But they don't seem to care.

I had a very nice meal yesterday. I don't think I have seen that much food in one place in a very long time. It was an expansive buffet. I ate my fill. The stuffing was amazing. I don't know how it was cooked, but I never tasted stuffing that good ever. I am not a big turkey fan, but there was plenty of other things to choose from too.

I am very tired, had a long day at work. It was not as busy as they had hoped. But, I did ok.

I am going to get some sleep since I really need it. I hope everyone had a very nice Thanksgiving.

Wednesday

2011-11-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

I am so tired. Work has been long, but not money making. I had some sales today, but not very much. I sold next to nothing last week, so I can't even imagine how small my paycheck is going to be next week. I can only hope that Black Friday and Saturday are good sales days. I know I have a decent sale coming on Saturday. She called today, but she didn't want to deal with the heavy traffic. Although I heard from others that the traffic wasn't so bad. I am staying close to work so I don't know what the traffic is, since I walk most places now.

I guess we will see. I have somewhere to go and eat tomorrow, so that is nice. The weather has been warm all week too. Well, warm for late November. But easy enough to sleep in. So I will take my blessings where I can get them. It is raining today and bit cool, but still not cold. It shouldn't be getting cold again until mid next week.

I spoke to my Aunt today. She is feeling good and doing fine. I really miss her. I have not seen her in almost a year. I raided my piggy bank last year after New Year to go and see her. I would love to do the same again this year, but I just don't think it will be possible. The air fare has gotten more expensive and there is no way my car will make it that far.

I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving and say thanks for all that you have. I plan on being thankful that I am better off than many other homeless.

Friday

2011-11-18T23:47:00.000-05:00

Well a very bad week at work. A very large order that was made last weekend was cancelled. So I have made no money this week at all. I have to hope that tomorrow is better. Otherwise I have worked this week for nothing. Or basically nothing. Not good.

The good news is I survived the very cold temperatures last night with no problem whatsoever. I was very warm and cozy. That is until I was more awake. Then I felt very cold. I found a good solution for me. I put sweatpants over my pants and that second layer really helps. Even my feet were fine without the boots. I was so tired that I just wanted to get to sleep and was to tired to pull the boots out. So I figured if I got cold I would do it and the need never materialized.

Tonight is not going to be quite as cold tonight, so I will be good. So I figure I can make it through most of the winter. There will be nights that will be much colder, but I can get through the high 20's. Also it has helped the days have been warm. So when the temps don't rise above 25 or so that are going to be a problem.

I have to work very long days most of next week. It is usually pretty busy. So I hope to make some money. I have decided that I am going to get a hotel room for three nights. That will help me out with work. The place is within walking distance of my job and is much cleaner and nicer than I normally can afford. I guess Thanksgiving is not a big hotel weekend. So the rooms were very cheap online. I paid less than what I would have for that dump that I stay in if I am sick. And it has a kitchenette. No oven, but a stove top. I can get myself a good meal for Thanksgiving. The man who has helped me out before gave me most of the money for the hotel. I was worried about it because where would I go to the bathroom if nothing is open? I also have to be at work at 4 am. The joy of working retail on black Friday. Mandatory 12 hour shifts and you start in the middle of the night.

Four of the stores in the mall are opening right at Midnight. I think it is crazy. I have no desire to get up in the middle of the night to go shopping. I better be getting something to close to free in order to do that. The malls have to hire extra security. People will be lined up by 2 am. If I am not mistaken it is not supposed to be very cold so that will be good for them. But I still think it is crazy. I guess since I don't have kids to buy presents for I don't see the need to do it. I know for customers that come and buy from me won't be getting that great of a deal. It won't be all that much different than this weekend. Some sets are even more expensive next weekend than this weekend. But people convince themselves that they are saving money. I guess somethings will be less expensive and good deals, but most things won't be.

But the good news for me is that since things will be open later, I will have more time in the warmth and a bathroom. The main concerns in my life at the moment. Like I have said in the past, being homeless is about surviving today. Your life becomes very centered on today. How much you have to eat. Do you have a clean place to wash up? Can you find a restroom? Making sure you have something clean to put on. Thinking too far ahead is pointless. This has been one of the biggest adjustments for me. I am a planner. I don't like last minute living. I guess it works for some people, but not for me. But I have learned to adjust. To the best of my ability anyway.

I have another person to go and talk to on Monday. This one is very far away, but if they can help it shouldn't matter.

Well, have a good night all.

Thursday

2011-11-17T12:58:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I didn't realize how long it has been since I lasted posted. I completely lose track of the time, the days all blend together for me. That is why I find it amazing that I always seem to make it to work.

Not much is new for me. The nights have been warm all week, but that ends tonight. It should be below freezing tonight and right above that tomorrow night. But it will warm up again on Sunday. I can deal with two nights. Lots of layers and boots and I will be good to go.

I saw creepy guy again. Like I said, he would turn up eventually. Luckily, he didn't see me. I was able to make a clean getaway. I make a real effort to make sure I don't spot him in the places where I have seen him in the past.

The man who is mentally ill hasn't been around in a while. I hope he is ok. He seems like a nice man. I have overheard him when he talks to himself and from what I can gather he is a veteran who thinks they are trying to poison him. That is why he won't take his medication like he should. Which is really a shame because he won't ever get to have a normal life if he doesn't. I sometimes give him my leftover food. I can't store anything, so it is better to give him what I don't eat then to throw it away. It won't fill him up, but it will give him some additional calories.

I was finally able to give that young man the sweats I had for him. He was sleeping. He sleeps more than anyone I have ever seen. That is all I ever see him doing. As I have said, I don't know his story. He doesn't smell like he is all liquored up. Maybe just a runaway. But at least now he has something a bit warmer. It won't help all that much with the temperatures tonight, but I guess it is better than his tshirt and shorts.

Well I have to get back to work. Have a good day.

Saturday

2011-11-12T09:08:00.000-05:00

My hope for a busy holiday at work did not come true. It was ok. I had a few decent sales, but nothing like the past few Veterans Day holidays that I have worked. Now I can move onto the hope that people were busy yesterday and decided to catch the sales today instead.

I do have someone that should be coming in today to place a good sized order. She took all the swatches home and did her measuring to make sure that everything will fit. You would be amazed at how many people buy furniture that they can't fit into their homes. Which of course I then lose my pay when they return it. In case you didn't know, don't ever listen to someone when they tell you no returns. It almost never really means that. Believe me, I have lost plenty of money that way.

I was really cold when I woke up this morning. The coldest I have ever been. But, I think it was really my own fault. I didn't put enough layers on. I needed to add a sweatshirt and put on my boots. I have been resisting sleeping in my boots, I just don't think it is going to be very comfortable, but it has gotten too cold to do anything other than that at this point. My nose was freezing and my feet were cold too. My feet were not nearly as cold as my nose, but still cold.

You know I have heard you sleep better when you are in a cold environment. Not sure that is true.

I think I found a solution for my car, but I won't know for sure for another few days. But that will really help me out a great deal if I can get that off my mind.

Off to work. Have a good day.

Thursday

2011-11-10T08:17:00.000-05:00

I have been a little upset for the past few days. The agency that I thought was going to give me some good advice didn't. They have a reputation of helping people, but again no real help will be forthcoming. So today I have another place to go to. This one is very far for me, but it will be necessary to contact them.

I am still very tired all the time. I have to just learn to accept that. Until my stress level goes down I won't feel like I am getting enough sleep.

I also had a bunch of cancellations on my days off. So this week is not going to be a good one for the paycheck. I am still not even at zero yet, so I owe them money instead of them owing me money. Not the way you want to go. It is a holiday tomorrow, so maybe it will be a busy weekend. I can hope.

I have to get going so I can figure out how I am going to get to the people I am going to talk to. They may be able to store my car for me, which is really what I need right now. I don't drive it much so if I can find a place to store it where it will be safe, I can just go to shelter for the rest of the winter and be ok. Not something that I wanted to do, but I don't see many more options for me. Maybe I will be better at getting money saved up if I am in a shelter. That is my biggest issue at the moment. Every time I get some money saved, something else happens that I didn't plan on.

Sunday

2011-11-06T20:35:00.000-05:00

My least favorite day of the week is here. It is going to be cold tonight, hovering around the freezing mark. Not fun. But I think I should be fine. I have enough layers, a hat, warm blankets and new boots. So I will get through it. The hypothermia program starts in a few weeks so I will have an alternative on cold nights. I just have to make due until then.

Someone gave me money for a hotel room over the weekend, so I slept and slept again. I also ate two good dinners and even a really good breakfast for a change. So that will keep my immune system up. That is really my biggest issue right now. Making sure that I am getting all the nutrients that I need. I also need to make sure that I am getting enough protein. If my immune system is off the cold will really make me sick. I read about can you really get sick from being cold, and what I found out is that your immune system starts to break down a little due to the cold, so it is important that you eat and sleep well. Since I won't really be sleeping well, eating well becomes that much more important. I am trying to get more fruits and vegetables into my diet, but it isn't easy. Partly due to cost and partly due to cooking the veggies.

I also am going to need to make some changes about where I am sleeping........again. But I am getting used to that. It is really better to stay on the move as much as possible, but my car being in disrepair has hampered that. I did that in the beginning. Sleeping in different locations. It keeps you off the radar of people and businesses. If you are only there occasionally they for the most part leave you alone. They just don't want you to become fixtures and scare off business. I try to stay near areas that have some people around for safety reasons.

Many of the homeless I know go to places that are much more remote. I don't like that. It scares me. I guess to each their own.

Have a good night all.

Thursday

2011-11-03T09:44:00.000-04:00

I made a complete fool out of myself yesterday. I walked into this store and when I saw all the Christmas decorations I broke out in tears. I am just so amazed that this has gone on as long as it has. So I guess I am a little disturbed by the reminder that it is almost Christmas.

The cold weather and the holidays was not something I expected to see while homeless. I really did believe it wouldn't last this long. I have said in the past I had all these things in mind about what was going to happen, and it has not worked out the way I thought it was going to.

I am still waiting to get a return phone call from one the resources that I was given. I can't find the address anywhere so I can't just show up. I just have to wait until they call me back. Although it has been my experience that in many instances you never hear anything. I have the meeting next week with that non profit that is designed to help people transition back to having a place to live.

I saw creepy guy again last night. I had to go find another place to use the bathroom so he wouldn't see me. I suppose I should have some sympathy for him because he doesn't seem to have the proper clothes for the weather either. But I can't bring myself to feel anything but contempt for him.

I slept ok with the cold last night. I was really cold at one point and turned the heat on for a little while. That got me through the night without any other problems. My nose was really cold when I woke up, but beside that I was fine.

Someone bought me a really nice pair of boots. They are waterproof and lined. So they will help with rain, snow, and cold. So I should be all set. I also figure I could sleep with them on and that will help a lot. As I said, exposed skin is the enemy when you are homeless. So this will cut down on that. They are just above my ankle so I can put my pants in them and keep myself warmer. It also will help about wearing multiple pairs of socks. Which I don't like. It is too bulky. I wear layers all the time, but I try to avoid to many layers on my feet. Feet are very important when you are homeless. If you get foot infections, you will be in trouble. It will make getting around hard.

Oh, my knee is still bruised and a little swollen, but it is fine.

I am on way to work. Have a good day.

Tuesday

2011-11-01T21:37:00.000-04:00

I am so mad. I said I had to laundry yesterday. I waited until later in the evening to do it so I could stay in the heat longer. I took the bus to the laundromat, which was not a problem. I got everything cleaned. But, since I had not done it in a while my pile was pretty large. Also, since the clothes are heavier they take up more room. I had three bags to carry back with me including the anti freeze for my car.

There is always construction going on in this area. As soon as they finish one project they have already started on two more. So the major roadway was blocked off. The bus driver threw us off the bus because she didn't want to go through the detour. The road was pitch black. No street lights were on at all. There was construction workers and trucks on one side then moving traffic on the other. There were no sidewalks. I had to walk in the middle of the road against oncoming traffic with three heavy bags.

I couldn't see anything and I tripped and screwed up my knee. It is so bruised and swollen I am having a hard time walking on it. The free medical care that you can get when you are homeless is a long ways away from here. I don't know what that driver was thinking. There were five of us on the bus. We could have easily been hit by a car. The construction guys were yelling at me, and I finally told them to go find the bus driver and yell at her. She is the one that dumped us off the in the middle of the road. Stupid bitch.

I called the bus company this morning to complain. She should lose her job for pulling a stunt like that. They would be sued if something happened to one of us. I am sure she won't lose her job, but she should. Don't you think?

Monday

2011-10-31T16:17:00.000-04:00

Well I am back on the road again. It was nice to get some decent sleep and a real shower for a change. I have realized that no matter what I do I am tired. I think my body is reacting to the stress by wanting to shut down for a while. So no matter how much sleep I get I am still tired. I guess this won't change until I am settled and the anxiety I am feeling is gone.

Today is Halloween. I love this day normally. But I won't be doing any celebrating today. I have get my laundry done. The place where I stayed was much more expensive to do my laundry that it wasn't worth it. So I lugged all that stuff around for no reason. Oh well, live and learn. Now I know.

I went and spoke with that organization that may be able to help me. They seemed nice. I filled out the paperwork for the screening process that they do. I have to go back next week. Normally they don't want to wait that long, but my work schedule won't allow me to go back any earlier. There was no time that worked for me in the hours that they had available.

I have another place to try as well and I have a phone number for another person who may be able to help too. So I am hoping that one of the three will be able to find some sort of temporary housing for me. I am lucky at least because the cold spell seems to be gone for the rest of the week and I will be fine in my car. I can keep myself warm down to the low 40's pretty easily. That isn't something that I ever would have thought in the past, but you can do it if you try. Just dress in layers, keep your head warm, and wrap yourself in a few heavier blankets and you will stay warm.

I meant to tell you that I saw that young kid again. Still in a tshirt and shorts. I really hope that he found some place to stay for the past two nights because it was cold. I want to give him a pair of sweats that will at least help keep him a little warmer. But I didn't have them with me since I hadn't seen him in a while. So I will start carrying them with me again so I can give them to him. I have a few pairs, and like I said I realize that I am in a much better position than some.

I also have to go and buy anti freeze today. I wasn't able to do before today. It is hard when you have to budget every dime you have and any little thing throws you off.

It isn't my imagination about my hair falling out more than normal. I couldn't believe how much hair was in the shower when I was done. I don't look like I am going bald or anything, but if it keeps up at that rate, I would think I will be soon. I can't let myself get too stressed about since there isn't anything that I can do to stop it. I think it is stress related anyway. Strange things happen to your body when you are under severe duress. I was doing ok until I realized that the winter is coming fast. That is what has gotten my mind so stressed. Somehow in my mind I believe that heat was more doable than the cold. I don't know which is worse. The heat was pretty bad on a few nights, and with the cold you can put on more clothes and use blankets. So maybe the heat is worse. I don't know.

Well have fun trick or treating.

Sunday

2011-10-30T15:13:00.000-04:00

I really slept. Which is good because I needed it. One of the worst things about being homeless is the lack of sleep. You really only get about five or six hours a day. That just isn't enough.

I tried to watch a rerun of that show The Five on Fox. I don't know if the show just isn't good or I was just too tired, because I feel asleep before it was over. But like I said I needed a really good night's sleep. I am going to make myself more pasta today. I even a little of the salad leftover. I treated myself to some string beans and squash. I can use the colander as a steamer. So I am really looking forward to it. I wished I had the tools to make turnips but I can't get to my storage unit. Oh, well. I am still getting a better meal than I have had in while.

Although I did find a restaurant that serves Miso soup for $1.50. It is a good sized too. I try to get as much vitamins as I can, but that is not always possible with a small amount of money I have to spend.

I am going to take a really long shower with the hottest water I can stand. That is another issue of being homeless, you don't always get hot showers. In many instances the water is luke warm.

Someone sent me a donation with a note attached that she is liberal, but wanted to help. I never really thought that liberals didn't want to help. Although my experience has been that they feel I should be getting more help from the state. Maybe, but it doesn't work that way in real life.

Saturday Part 2

2011-10-29T20:54:00.000-04:00

Well I am all settled into the hotel that I am staying in this weekend. It wasn't busy at all at work today. Not good for the paycheck, but it did allow me to leave a little early so I could make myself a good dinner and get to sleep early.

I went to the grocery store earlier. Boy, I have not bought chicken in a long time. It has gotten very expensive. I almost didn't buy it, but I figure I need the protein. Although I eat nuts often. Well, peanut butter.

I turned the heat up really high. Higher than I ever would have done in the past. I was pretty cold last night. It really feels good to be warm and in a bed. I am thinking I won't be up much longer. A true sleep is hard for me to come by.

I hope everyone else sleeps as well tonight as I plan to.

Saturday

2011-10-29T00:33:00.000-04:00

Well I did get some good news. I will be staying at hotel for a few nights. Someone is collecting money for me and it will pay for the rest of the weekend. It is supposed to very cold tomorrow night or I guess later now.

It isn't supposed to be too bad tonight so I will be alright. My hat really does help. It covers my entire head and ears. It isn't very pretty, but I don't really care about fashion at the moment.

The hotel has a little kitchen in it so I can cook myself a decent meal for a change. No oven, but still good enough. I am going to make chicken and pasta and have a fresh salad. I don't get to eat that too often. I am worried about my car though. It won't make it that far. So I just have to hope it doesn't get towed. Which has become the story of my life at the moment.

I am also going to sleep and watch sports center. I have an appointment on Monday with a counselor. The person who found this person for me said that she was told that she works miracles with people. I was also given a number of some Pastor who may be able to help me too. I have been told that both of these people are not just going to help me stay homeless but to transition back into a normal life.

I am hoping that things are starting to turn around for me. I figure whatever sins I have committed I have paid for and I deserve a second chance to get my life back in order.

Well the only way to go to sleep when it is cold is to do it fast before you realize how cold you really are.

Have a good night.

Thursday

2011-10-27T16:01:00.000-04:00

I am still really tired. I think I need one really good night sleep in a bed and until I get that I will remain like this. It is supposed to get pretty cold this weekend. So I am bracing myself for even less sleep than usual.

If you really wrap yourself up in blankets and have on the proper layers you can keep yourself warm for the most part. It is just the exposed skin that will get really cold. So basically it is just your face. I got a hat that will cover my ears, so it will just be my nose that will get cold.

I am hoping that I will stay warm enough that I will still get about 6 hours of sleep regardless of temperature, but we will see how that goes. I am not sure which night, but one is supposed to hover right around the freezing mark.

I will need to get anti-freeze for my car. I have been using water to keep it filled up, but with the cold weather that won't be possible for much longer. But that is going to be a very expensive proposition because it goes through it so quickly. I am thinking I can mix it with water, at least for now. Mechanics out there, let me know if I am right about that.

The shelter was not very nice, but it will be where I will have to go I guess. Beggars can't be choosers, so it will have to do. I think I found a place that I can store my car for not an exorbitant amount of money. I am waiting to hear back if they have any more monthly passes available. It is $110 per month. Which is cheap for this area if the truth be known. But a great deal of money to me.

I have started to be a little more open about my problems and have gotten some good suggestions from people. So I am hoping that I can find a non profit that will be able to help me shortly. It is just such a maze though. You really just don't know who to turn to.

There is a big walkathon going on here next month sometime. Most people will have no problem giving money to them, but won't give it to an actual homeless person. I guess it is understandable since you don't want to give money to addicts, but in a sense you are anyway. If you are going to give money to the homeless, you need to find an organization that works directly with the homeless and makes an effort to make them not homeless anymore. Otherwise, you are just keeping them in the misery that they are living in. While of course you want to give them food and shelter on cold nights, you are just keeping them homeless. It doesn't change how they are living.

I was thinking to myself that I could to the occupy dc thing if I got really hungry one day, but I just read that they are not all that happy about helping the homeless either. If I am not part of the 1% or part of the 99%, what part am I? I guess that means I am a nobody.

Tuesday

2011-10-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep. I feel all spooked out where I am tonight. The trees are giving these weird shadows and it is making me uneasy. I have not felt this scared in a long time. I think the stress of this is really getting to me. My hair seems to be falling out at a much larger rate than seems normal.

I am still freaked out about that cop. I am not sure why, as it was only a ticket. But, he was so mean too me, that I am afraid of ending up on his radar. Although, that is pretty arrogant of me. I make it seem like he has nothing better to do than run after me.

I am really tired. I didn't sleep well last night, and it doesn't look like tonight will be much better. I am going to look at this shelter tomorrow and I am hoping it is OK. Like I said, I am running out of options so it will have to do regardless. There is a nice shelter but it is too far for me to get to and from work from there. I also need to find out where I can park my car. I am thinking that I may have to get some sort of monthly pass and park it in some garage, but that is just another expense that will keep me homeless longer. But until I can get everything fixed so that it is more drivable than it is now, I can't only go so far. The tire repairs and the ticket have thrown my budget into a tizzy.

Something that I have been meaning to bring up for a while now, and never do is bathroom etiquette. People are pigs. I am homeless and I leave the bathroom very neat, or as much as I possibly can. Is flushing the toilet really that hard? I mean c'mon now. It takes you two seconds to reach over and press the button or press the lever.

I overheard this mother talking to her little girl the other day and she told her to use her foot to flush. So now I have to worry about all the germs that she has on her shoes too? You can't pick up an additional piece of toilet paper and flush that way? That is what I do. Just remember, people like me only have the option of a public restroom. It doesn't take all that much to clean up after yourself. If a homeless person can do it, so can you.

Saturday

2011-10-22T12:28:00.001-04:00

My time is very limited, but I just needed to get this out of my system before I start work. I am so upset. Where I was sleeping told me that if they see me again they will call police. So the walls are really starting to close in on me, and I honestly have no idea how I am going to fix it.

I have come to the conclusion that I have no choice but to go into a shelter. Something that I really don't want to do. But I have completely run out of options. I have never been questioned by police, let alone arrested and I plan on keeping it that way.

The really sad part is that everyone says we should do something about the homeless population, but when confronted by it, we just walk away. Very few are willing to help them get out of being homeless. Yeah, you will hand a few bucks, or give them a sandwich, and give old clothes to a charity, but when push comes to shove when you are confronted by it standing in front of you, most just walk away. The man asked me if I was alright. No, I am not alright, I am living in a car with little hope at this point that this will come to an end.

OK, I got that off my chest and now I must put a smile on my face and go to work. Let's hope someone comes in and buys thousands of dollars worth of furniture today. A girl can dream, right?

Thursday

2011-10-20T20:07:00.000-04:00

God I am writing the wrong day in the title again. I do that often. It is hard for me to keep track of what day it is. That bothers me. But, on the upside, I have to tell myself that I always make it to work.

I have realized how proud of myself I should be for working and getting there on time. It is much harder to do then what some may think. Like I said, you don't always remember what day it is. The time seems to all blend together after a while.

I am still working that other job where I am holding a sign to attract customers to the Halloween store. It is better than nothing and it makes sure that I have enough food for the week.

But, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have start doing things differently if this is going to change for me. I can keep myself existing. But, that is not what I want. I want to get my life back on track.

I have not quite figured out exactly what I am going to do yet, but I need to do that.

I realized that sometimes I put things out there and then never go back to them. So, let me tell you about the boy I met. While he is really cute, he is also really judgemental. There is no way he would want anything to do with anyone that is homeless, regardless of the reasons. So I mentioned in passing that I had a boyfriend. I know that I was right about him, but he hasn't spoken to me since then. So I am better off without people like that in my life, even if I wasn't homeless.

I have not seen creepy guy in quite a while. That is a big relief. But I am sure like a bad penny he will turn up again at some point.

I will have enough to get two new tires tomorrow and then get my inspection sticker on my car updated. So I can start driving short distances again. That is relief. Bringing your laundry on the bus is not the easiest of things to accomplish. I still have not moved onto the next phase of repairs yet, so the disrepair won't allow me to drive too far. But I am hoping to have that fixed by Christmas. Unless of course something else unexpected comes up.

I am sure there are others things that I have mentioned that I didn't let you in on the ending, but that is all that I can think of at the moment.

I still have to pay that ticket, but I have one more pay period in which to do that with, so I am not going to leave myself short, so I will pay it with the paycheck after this one.

I hope all is well with you all. I am really tired tonight so I am going to try and get to sleep very early. We'll see how that goes.

Tuesday

2011-10-18T20:10:00.000-04:00

I am having all kinds of trouble with my computer. I don't know what is wrong. Things won't open, it freezes up for no reason, I have to keep rebooting it. The computer is old, maybe it is on it's last legs. I don't have the money to get it repaired let alone a new one, so I can pray that it lasts until this nightmare is over.

I finally heard back from the one church I was waiting to hear back from. But all they can offer is me is food and clothes. I have money left over from my gift certificate for food that should last me until the end of the month if I am careful. Also she told me that they could give me cereal and cookies. Not to sound ungrateful, but cookies? Is that what I am supposed to live on? But this is what happens when you can't cook. The food bank food is of no use to you.

Well, they tried. I told the woman that I would work in someone's yard to make money. I don't care what I do, as long as I get paid. Well, I should be more careful, there are things I won't do. But I will do anything that is legal and moral.

I am trying to watch the debate, but it won't load on my computer. So I guess I will read about it tomorrow, as long as the computer doesn't completely die between now and then.

Wow, I can't believe how well I slept last night. I said I was really tired, and boy did I sleep last night. I didn't wake up until almost 11 today. I have not slept that late in my car since this has all started. I knew I needed it, but normally I just can't sleep that late. So I feel better today.

I hope you all have a good night.

Monday

2011-10-17T16:09:00.001-04:00

I am so tired today. I am not sure why. But I can barely keep my eyes open. It is hard when I feel like this. There is no place to take a nap. So I have just keep myself awake until it is time to go to sleep. I also can't go to sleep to early either, or I wake up too early and then have no where to go. This is one of the many annoying things about my situation.

I have had more conversations with groups that are supposed to help the homeless. But it is the same old story. They give you a different phone number to call, or tell you that they have names and addresses of shelters. But again, no real help to get you out of homelessness. Just more ways to survive your circumstances.

This is probably another reason that so many stay homeless. The fact that you can't find someone to help just makes you feel so hopeless that you just acclimate it becomes your permanent way of life. I had read somewhere that once someone is homeless for more than six months, it becomes highly unlikely they will get out of it. I don't remember the exact percentage. But I am already passed that threshold. So the likelihood is that I will remain this way. That is weighing on me. I am starting to feel very desperate again. The way I did when this first happened. I really don't know who to turn to.

I have figured out that calling these numbers is useless. You just leave messages that never get returned. I have start showing up and keep showing up until someone talks to me. I have to become pushy, even though that has made me uncomfortable in the past. I am normally a more passive person who doesn't like rocking the boat all that much. But, that is something that I must change if I truly want to get out of this.

I am lucky because of the Indian summer type weather we are having. It should be very seasonably warm at night until Friday. Then it is going into the 40's. That is chilly, but bearable with the right clothes. Two pairs of socks, my mid weight coat, and three blankets and I will be toasty warm as long as no skin is showing. It is when you expose bare skin that you get cold. My nose will be a little cold, but outside of that I will be OK. That is the coldest it has been since this has happened to me. No, wait it was 39 one of my first nights in the car. And, I didn't have the right supplies so I was very cold. But, back then I was sleeping more than three hours a night. I spent most of time driving around. That was before I realized how much money I wasted in that gas that way.

I have gotten better at this whole thing. One of the women I spoke to on the phone today said that you learn to cope and it sounds like that is what I have done. I guess I have. I am not sure if that is good thing or not, though. The more acclimated you become to something the less likely you are to change it, right? I would think so.

I also found out something strange. For that project hypothermia I mentioned before, they don't heat the churches. How exactly is that different than sleeping in my car? I am thinking at least with my car, I can turn the heat on if I get really cold. Obviously I can't run the car all night, but I can warm myself up, or get to an all night restaurant. I guess when you don't have a car, it is better than nothing. But, it seems very strange to me.

Have a good night all.

Friday

2011-10-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

Today was a very uneventful day. I have been looking for the young kid that I believe to be homeless. I have been worried about him and his seeming lack of clothes. I wonder if he is escaping an abusive home or something. But, I can't find him. Since I picked up my clothes I realize that I have a few things that would more than likely fit him.

I also found these sweatpants on sale at Old Navy for $4. I can swing $4 to get this kid something warmer to wear. It is getting cold. The Indian Summer seems to be coming to a close. He is going to need something and soon.

Maybe he has found a shelter to go to or maybe he made up with his parents. I don't know. I also have not seen the older woman who has the cleaning fetish lately either. That kind of worries me. I wonder if something happened to her.

The woman who helped me get my winter clothes seems to be getting her life back on track. A friend of hers has given her some paying work and she is staying at her home temporarily. If you remember, I told that she has been homeless since January. So she already has been through one winter. I am glad for her. I am hoping that I will be next.

I have a good feeling about the people I met from that church last night.

I heard back from that lady at the state again. I told her that I am not looking for government programs because all they do is give you necessities, they do nothing to get out of being homeless. I wanted non profits. So she gives me this other phone number and tells me that they will probably just refer me back to the same people I spoke to yesterday. It is so frustrating. What exactly is the point of them saying that they are helping people? They are not. They give you some not very nutritious food, some old clothing, and a not safe place to sleep. This doesn't help people. You are just surviving. I don't want to just survive and stay homeless. I want to get my life back on track.

Anyway, it is chilly tonight. So I am going to try and get to sleep before it gets too cold and then I can't.

Have a good night all.

Thursday

2011-10-13T20:47:00.000-04:00

Today started out as another not so great day. It has been raining for several days now. That is always hard because you have to keep the windows closed and it gets stuffy. I am feeling very tired and that always gets me down. I am obsessed about the ticket that I received and the cop that pulled me over. So all of this has been weighing on me.

I also talked to another agency today and they were less than helpful. Matter of fact all they did was give me the phone number of the shelter I already stayed at where I was almost robbed. I told them that I would not go back there.

I was sitting outside during one of the breaks from the rain and three people came up to me and wanted to ask me some questions. They are from a bible church that I have been trying to get to. It is not on a bus route and too far to walk. They were very helpful. One of the men gave me a phone number of a shelter and crisis center and told me that they find ways to get through almost any problem and really help people. He also told me that I will not be robbed if I stay there. I also can go there on Thanksgiving Day. That was another thing that was starting to weigh on me, wondering where I would spend the day, since virtually everything is closed that day. I was hoping to have enough money to stay in that flee bag motel for the day, but that would require a two day stay really. Not something that is really in my budget. So maybe I can just stay there after having a meal at the shelter.

But the three people I met today were very nice and gave me some useful information, they also gave me a pocket bible. I have come to the conclusion that it is a total waste of time even attempting to contact any state or government agency. They have zero interest in really helping me get out of being homeless, they are only interested in finding a place to warehouse me, like jail almost. Any help that I receive is going to have to be from the faith based groups around the area. Not that I want to minimize the people who have helped me through this blog. Many have helped. Thanks to all that have. I don't think I say that often enough.

They also gave me some money, which was a good thing because I had no cash and not enough money left on my bus ticket to get back to my car. My car didn't pass the inspection as I expected it would. I have to get two new tires, which I of course can't afford. I am afraid to drive it because of that cop. So I am back to the bus full time again for the time being. I have enough for one tire, and I am hopeful that I can get enough together to get that taken care with my next paycheck next week. My sales this week so far have not been great, but I have that extra day, and I also have at least two more extra shifts over the next few weeks. So that should help out with the tires.

Like I said, every time I feel like I am getting somewhere, something else happens. I guess that is just life. Or least my life. But I have my phone paid for the balance of the month and there is enough money in my account to pay for my storage unit. Those are both important to me. I am very afraid to be without a phone while sleeping in my car. I don't want to lose what few possessions I have left in my storage unit. Especially since I have things from my mom and dad in there. They are not valuable in a monetary sense, but they are priceless to me.

Have a good night all.

Tuesday

2011-10-11T18:00:00.000-04:00

Yea, I have my fall and winter clothes. That is a big relief. I am so grateful that hurdle has been taken care of. It is still unseasonably warm, but that is not going to last much longer I am sure.

I also finally heard back from two of the non profits I contacted and have set up appointments for next week. One of them gives no interest loans that you have up to year to pay back. So that should get me some sort of housing with a roommate situation, at least I hope. I have been waiting to hear back from them for quite a while now. The process just moves so slowly that it gets very frustrating, to the point that you feel like giving up.

I also heard about a church that will help with car repairs. So if I can get my car fully repaired that would be another great help. I am going to look into that on my next day off.

Today is one of those days that makes me feel hopeful that this will be over with before the dead of winter sets in.

I also have not seen creepy guy in quite a while, so that is another relief. I was able to have a good meal today with a gift card that I won at work. Salad and meat. Wow, I have not had both those things at the same meal in like a year or so.

So all and all today has been a very good day. I get so few of them, that I am very thankful when they come.

I hope that your day has gone as well as mine did today.

Sunday

2011-10-09T22:14:00.000-04:00

I have been forced into finding a new place to sleep. It actually is not so bad. I didn't sleep so well the first night, but now I am ok. I still have a place to use the ladies room so I will be ok. But it was necessary. The place where I was sleeping contacted the police. That explains how I got pulled over earlier this week. After thinking about it, there was no way that the cop could have seen the sticker on my car from where he was and where I was. We were on opposite sides of the intersection.

Anyway - I will get through this as well. It just makes taking the bus to work a longer ride. But I still have some things within walking distance. I am even closer to a dry cleaner, and many of my fall and winter clothes are dry clean only. I never thought about the cost of dry cleaning in my former life. I just bought nice lined wool pants that I would wear with cashmere sweaters. None of which will survive a laundromat. I will need to be careful, because that is an added expense I can't really afford.

The weather has been delightful this week. Warm and sunny during the day and cooler at night. It is going to stay this way all week. Which is good for sleeping for me. I have figured out how to keep myself warmer on colder nights though. Layering thinner layers works much better. Sleeping with a lot on is harder to do. I also make sure that everything is fully covered. Tuck in all shirts and put your pant legs into your socks. If you don't have too much skin showing it just easier to stay warm. I have only really been cold one night. And that was before I bought another blanket and a mid weight coat. The only thing that was really cold was my nose. Like I said that was only one night.

I have a lead on a job. I am going to call the lady on Tuesday, so wish me luck on that.

I am picking up my heavier clothes on Tuesday afternoon as well.

I also heard back from one lady who was going to give me a good sale. She originally told me she would be back in September and then never showed. She called again on my day off last week and said something about moving and would be in to place the order. She wants it delivered before Thanksgiving so she will need to place the order this week. I also have another woman who told me she would be back on Wednesday and never came in. She actually did come in and my co-worker, who is a snake of the highest order, told her she didn't know when I would be there. My schedule never changes, I was due in twenty minutes later. Plus she never told me that she was there. Like I said, a snake. All the managers know she is untrustworthy, but they don't do anything about it, because her sales are good. Her sales are good because she lies to people. She tried to steal a sale from me last week, I knew it was going to happen, so I went in on my day off to check the sales and sure enough she did. I transferred the sale back to myself and told the manager. She approved the change. It was over a hundred dollars in commission. Her husband has been out of work for close to two years or something, but she at least has a roof over her head. I bet you anything she is taking government assistance, because there is no way she can support her family of four on her salary. She isn't going to take my money without a fight.

I am still picking up some extra shifts. I also am doing this weird job of holding a sign at a busy intersection. They pay me $25 for three hours. It is boring, but every little bit helps. But honestly, what else do I have to do?

I am going to go and find the man who gave me money every week and thank him. He is the only person there who didn't treat me like I was invisible. We never really spoke, but he tried to help me. And the money he gave me did help. A few times that was all I had for the last few days before I got paid. Most of the time I put it in the bank, but I have had to use it a few times for emergency flee bag motel stays while I was sick and during the hurricane.

Have a good night all.

Thursday Part 2

2011-10-06T17:06:00.001-04:00

I finally found the jobs report for September. Not good news again. Matter of fact, very bad news. Honestly, I don't know what I am going to do. It is compounded by the fact that the cold weather will be here very soon.

I did get to speak to the person who said she would help me get me clothes, but she is in a bad way at the moment. Her unemployment will be gone soon, if not already gone. That was the only source of income she had. Now, she has nothing. She has a friend who gives her work when she can, but I don't think it is all that much. She has pay for food, gas, her car insurance, and other things too.

That young man I kept seeing is really homeless, I saw him in the middle of night just walking around with just his t-shirt and shorts on. While it is not too bad during the day, you need something heavier in the night. I also noticed that this one man who I see sleeping all the time is a maintenance man, but I guess he isn't making enough to make ends meet either. He is another who has a job, but just can't pay the bills. I don't know his whole story, but it seems he is just like me.

It is amazing that this is happening in America. People are losing everything that they have to this recession. Desperation is setting in more and more. It is too bad that the people in those protests in NY are really working for a different cause. Because I would join in (in spirit) if I thought they were trying to help people like me. I read their list of demands. Downright comical is what they are. No business could survive if they had to pay every employee $20/hour. The prices of everything would triple.

We need to stop the nonsense and find a way to spur this economy again. People like me are only going to grow in numbers. I know, I am at the front lines and I see it. I see more and more people joining me in the all night restaurants for a lack of anywhere better to go.

I still have not heard back from the three different homeless groups that I have contacted. I saw some things on line for interest free loans from organizations to help tide you over. I only really need $1,500 and I would find my way out of this, but no one has returned my call.

I have another extra shift at work next week, so that helps a bit. My paycheck is a good size this time around, but it is going to get sucked up with that ticket I got. So I am right back to where I started. On the outside looking in.

Thursday

2011-10-06T12:31:00.000-04:00

The person that is supposed to take me to get my winter clothes has been MIA. So I don't know what I am going to do about that. I will have to come up with a solution soon, though. The weather has warmed up a bit, but that is not going to last much longer.

I also got pulled over the other day. My inspection sticker expired. I am going to get it done tomorrow, but I just didn't have the money to have it done any earlier. So now I have to almost a $100 fine by mid November. Every single time I think I am making some progress something else comes along and takes what little money I have managed to save up.

So I can forget about the additional car repairs for a while. The cop was really nasty too. It is obvious by looking at my car that I am homeless. He asked me and I said that I was. I realize that he is just doing his job, and I don't have an issue with him pulling me over. But he didn't need to be so nasty. He told me that if he caught me loitering he would have me arrested. Where exactly he thinks that I am supposed to go is something that I don't understand.

Oh, well, there is nothing that I can do about it now. I am going to stay put today and have the inspection done tomorrow. The problems with car are not something that is part of the inspection so it should pass and I will be fine. But I am thinking I have to find some new areas to stay in. I don't like the idea that some cop is looking around for me. I am just a person trying to survive the best that I can under the circumstances that I am in.

Well I am going to try and get something to eat. I am very hungry today. I didn't have much yesterday so I am even more hungry than usual.

Have a good day all.

Tuesday

2011-10-04T00:25:00.000-04:00

Well I had to work tonight or last night now. I had a cancellation while I was off on Sunday, so today made up for the what I lost. So I will start of my normal work week without being in the negative. So that is good. I have not been able to find the new jobs report, maybe it has not been released yet. Not that it really makes a big difference, but I do like to keep track of that stuff.

I start that temporary job later this week too. So I will have some extra money. Which is good as I don't have much left for food since I won't be getting those gift cards anymore. So I will need to be even more careful what I spend on food. But like I have said in the past I survived on virtually nothing for a few weeks over the summer and made it work.

I was not able to pick up my sweaters from the dry cleaner today, but I will do that tomorrow. I also will be getting all my winter clothes on Thursday. It is not going to be as cold tonight as it was last night. But all and all I have not really been too cold. One night a week or so ago I was really cold. But, I have bought myself one more blanket and that has helped. I also have a heavier coat now too.

The weather is supposed to warm up and be sunny for the rest of the week. It is only supposed to be in the 50's after tonight. That is doable. There is a program that they do here in the winter called project hypothermia. So on really cold nights I will have a place to go. I was hoping this would be over by Thanksgiving, but it doesn't look like it will be.

Although I talked with a man tonight who is buying a very large new home and has no furniture at all. He is recently divorced I guess. So that will be a good sale if he comes back. He needs an entire house full. So if I get a few more of those I will be in business. But, I will be honest they don't come along all that often. But I can dream, right?

Have a good morning all.

Sunday

2011-10-02T00:28:00.000-04:00

I have found three more homeless people. Or at least people that I think are homeless. One is very sad, he is really young. He looks like he is still a teenager. He doesn't have the proper clothes for the weather either. I saw him asleep last night and he had his arms inside his very light weight t shirt. I saw him again tonight and he was wearing a sweatshirt, but still hand on shorts and no coat. It is cold and damp out and it is supposed to rain for the next three days or so.

I have mentioned before that I don't know if it is becoming more prevalent or I am just noticing it more since I am in the same position. I also came across this Asian woman, who seems so prim and proper. But she is at this place every night. Sitting with one cup of tea trying to keep herself awake. She is middle aged, so you would think she would have some kids that could help her. But who knows.

I was glad to see that boy had a sweatshirt. I was thinking I would have sweatshirts that could fit him once I pick up my heavier clothes. Which I am going to do on Thursday. I have enough with me that I will be OK. I remembered that I had some things that I never got dry cleaned last year that were in the car. I had four sweaters in there, two of which are cashmere. Cashmere is very warm. I normally only wear it in the dead of winter. But I took them to the dry cleaner today so I will pick them up on Monday. The other two sweaters are semi heavy, but will work until I get my heavier clothes. My issue now is pants. All the pants I have are lightweight for the summer. But, I will have to make due. I was able to get a medium weight coat for very inexpensively. It has a fleece lining and I only paid $30 for it. The woman who rung it up did it incorrectly. I even asked her if that was correct, and she said it was. When I looked at the receipt later, I noticed she gave me the coupon twice. I suppose I should go back to the store and tell them, but I figure I did question it at the time.

I also went to a different place to sleep the other night when I wasn't feeling well and there was another person sleeping in their car too. See I have recently run into this issue of this young couple who are having sex in their car where I was sleeping before. I really don't want to see that. Porn movies have never held any interest for me, and I don't think a live show is any better. I just don't get doing something like that in such a public place. This is an area that has office buildings around, why would they pick a parking lot that people are going in and out of all the time instead of a more private location? Maybe they want people to watch. Who knows?

I had a really good day at work today that will make up for all the days I missed earlier this week. I sold as much as I normally do in an entire week. I also looked up the sales for the days I was out, and I didn't miss anything. I also had two messages from people who called to see when I was going to be back. Both said they would come in when I am working again next week. One sale isn't big, but the other is a good sized order. So my paychecks are slowly becoming larger again.

The car is still in disrepair, but it is better than it was. So I am slowly getting that taken care of. I have had no luck on the job front, but then again I have not done anything about that this week. I barely could do anything all week. I slept most of the time when I wasn't running to the bathroom. I hydrated myself really well today and I am feeling better. The massive headache I had for five days is almost gone. Now that I can hold things down again I took some prescription Motrin that I had left over from a minor surgery I had a year ago. I realize I should throw it away by now, but I kept for it emergencies, and I am very glad that I did.

Even though I don't like the situation I am in, I do realize that I am much better off than some. I, at least, have some protection from the elements. I have some good blankets, a fleece lined coat and I also bought myself some heavier socks today. For some reason they were on clearance so I got three pairs for $5. The colors are not something I would normally buy, but hey, I am not going to complain. All the other socks I have with me are just peds so I needed something heavier.

Well I guess I bored you enough, so have a good night.

Saturday

2011-10-01T10:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have been gone so long. I have been very sick since Monday. I had some sort of flu or something. It got so bad that I had to dip into my stash and get a hotel room for two nights. It is not fun to have a fever and chills while in a car. Well, it wasn't a hotel exactly, flee bag motel was more like it, but it a bed and bathroom. My stomach was really upset and I couldn't hold down any food so the bathroom was very necessary.

Needless to say that I didn't work this week, and when I don't work I don't get paid. But there was nothing I could do. Oh well. I am feeling better. I am well yet, but I do feel better. So I am off to work shortly.

I hope all is well with you.

Saturday

2011-09-24T00:47:00.000-04:00

I have had a very good week at work so far, and tomorrow/today promises to be even better. That is if everyone that is supposed to show up and make a purchase really does. This next paycheck will be the largest that I have gotten in more than a year. That makes me happy. It won't solve my problems, but it will help.

I have a funny story to tell. I have told you about creepy guy. Well, he is still homeless and I saw him early the other morning. I needed to use the ladies room and was going into a restaurant for that purpose. When I saw him there (hitting on some poor unsuspecting girl) I decided not to go in. Luckily he did not see me. Since my car can go short distances now I decided to go to another place down the road. Someone was in that ladies room for a very long time. I waited for close to ten minutes. I couldn't hold it anymore, so I just found a more secluded location in a parking area behind a store. Disgusting, I know. But this is only the first time that I have gone outside. I used to camp often when I was a little girl. I did not remember how tricky it really is for a woman to go outside. So, be careful where you put your feet ladies. I was able to get away clean. Ok, maybe others won't think it is funny, but I did. It doesn't take much to amuse me anymore I guess.

Someone hit my car today. Luckily there wasn't any real damage, just a little paint. But the lady wasn't even going to stop. I guess she didn't see me in the car, she just started to drive away. I guess I should have tried the old whiplash trick, but it wouldn't be worth the effort I suppose.

I am going to have round two of getting my car fixed on Monday or Tuesday. I have to wait for the part to arrive. With a bigger paycheck coming soon, I may be able to get the fan and switch fixed very soon as well. What a relief. I think some of my depression lately is coming from the fact that I can't get to many places easily. I go to all the same places and eat the exact same food all the time. Not that I have money to go anywhere really, but just to be able to take a drive that is beyond a few miles again would be nice.

I still have not picked up my warmer clothes yet. I need to do that soon. But with the new car part I should be able to do that no later than Wednesday. Another big relief. Because taking a taxi to do that would easily cost me a hundred dollars. The other homeless woman who said she would help has not been around lately. She met some guy who is also homeless and she seems to be spending some time with him. The job that she found didn't work out. So is back to having no income at all. At least I have something coming in. I am not living a life of luxury, obviously, but I have food and the things that I really need. My expectations are very low these days.

Well I am going to get something to eat. I didn't have time for dinner earlier because I worked later than normal tonight and had to take a later bus back to my car.

Have a good night (or morning I guess now) all.

Tuesday

2011-09-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

I am very very tired today. I have been for the past few days. I am not sure why, maybe it is the change in the weather, or maybe it is just the tension of living this way. Although I am coming to the conclusion that it is really more boredom than anything else.

A few days ago I was speaking about mental illness and the homeless. Well, the boredom of trying to fill all the hours of the days gets very monotonous to say the least. There are only so many walks you can take, so many free newspapers you can read. I am very short on money on this week as well since I had to get my car partially fixed last week. I am grateful that the car is movable again. I can't go far, but at least I can move it. That is progress at least. The repair guy was supposed to tell me how much the hose was to be fixed, but when I called he had already left for the day and when I picked it up all it said was mechanic noticed hose leaking. He noticed it because I pointed it out to him.

Anyway, I am going to back on Thursday to get the price to get that portion fixed. I will still have to have the gauge and the fan fixed, but it will at least be more drivable to get my heavier clothes. I am getting a break that the weather has gotten a bit warmer again. So I can make do with the clothes that I have.

I also found a website that works with women in crisis that looks promising. I am going there tomorrow or the next day. I am not sure I will have the time with my work schedule to make it tomorrow. I should have a good day in sales tomorrow. I had some people who filled out all the paperwork over the weekend, but the sale was much better this week and since I didn't want to lose the sale, I gave them a heads up. They were very thankful that I can save them some money, and I will get a good sale. Works for all involved.

Luckily I have not seen the creepy guy again since my last posting. I am sure that I will run into him again, but I hope it won't be for a while. But, I have decided that if he bothers me again, I will tell him that I will call the police if he continues to bother me. Not that I really would, because I would rather stay away from the attention of the cops, but he doesn't know that.

I am really hungry today. I don't have much money for food for the next few days, but I do have some supplies. So I should be ok, I just won't be that filled up. I will get by though. There have been days in the past that have been much worse than this. I am eating more than just bread, so all is good.

I was hoping to get to sleep early tonight, but that doesn't look like it is in the cards, the place where I sleep is pretty filled up. Oh well, this too shall pass.

I hope all is well with you all, and have a good night.

Sunday Part 2

2011-09-18T20:33:00.000-04:00

If I was not already dealing with enough, now I have this creepy guy to contend with. This man knows that I am homeless. I believe that he is as well. Or least he was. He seems cleaner now, so maybe he has found a place to live. Anyway - he has asked me out on a date, I told him no. He asked me for my phone number, I told him no. He says that he can be a comfort to me. I don't think so. He gives me the creeps.

Today I saw him and he asked me for a hug and I said no. He seemed to get very offended and asked me why, and I told him that it makes me uncomfortable. I was trying to get to a restroom when I ran into him and he seemed to get upset that I was leaving. That is mostly what is making me uncomfortable. He doesn't seem to understand boundaries. The very last thing I need right now is to deal with this man. My life is complicated enough without getting him involved.

I know that I am probably creepy to some people since I am homeless. I overheard this conversation between two medical students today and someone they know lives out of his car. She was saying how disgusting it was. Which in some ways it is, but for some people it is a necessary evil. It is better than sleeping under a bridge. I have seen that too recently. But the point is that people are going to think that they way I am living at the moment is terrible and gross. Which is why I guess no one who does know that I am homeless ever speaks to me. Except this guy and the few people who leave comments on here. Although there is that nice man who sometimes puts money in car. He never really talks to me though. He just sometimes gives me cash.

I hope that I am just overreacting to this man, but I get this feeling that I am not. He scares me.

Sunday

2011-09-18T11:47:00.000-04:00

My least favorite day of the week is here again.

If you do any sort of research on the homeless population you will find that many of them are mentally ill. I have been thinking that this may be a chicken or the egg kind of thing.

One of the hardest things about being homeless is the lack of privacy. The only privacy I have at all anymore is when I am in a public restroom in a stall. Some of them are really tight and you can barely turn around in there. Everything that I do is done in public. In many cases I change my clothes in the car. It sometimes just easier (I have gotten very good about changing my clothes discreetly) to do that than put your stuff in a bag and find a restroom that is not overly busy to change your clothes. This is the reason that you sometimes see homeless people doing things they probably shouldn't be doing in public.

Think about that for a second. You have zero privacy. Everything that you do is out in the open for all people to see or to hear. Do the homeless start out like me and end up mentally ill, or are they homeless because they are mentally ill? It is just something that I have been thinking about lately.

Wednesday

2011-09-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I am going through another down phase. I really don't like feeling this way, but sometimes it just can't be helped. All the rain we had I am sure didn't help. The weather has finally cleared up. It felt like we need to build an ark or something.

I found a note on my car saying I can't park it here all day and night, if I don't move it, I will get towed. The worst thing that can happen. I honestly don't know what I am going to do. It won't start. I have no problem getting it towed, my triple a membership will cover that. I just don't have enough money to get it fixed. I am short about $150. Even that won't really fix it, but it will make it runnable so I can move it. They don't seem to mind if I sleep here, but they need the parking space for during the day. Which is totally understandable. They have been very patient. I am going to get it towed in the morning to the place I want to have it fixed at and see what happens from there. I don't get paid again until a week from Friday.

I really wish now I didn't close my credit card account, but I was scared I would use it and not be able to pay it off. I figured it was worse for my credit to get behind on my payments than it was to not have a credit card. I figure my mortgage payments keep my credit going and once I am working full time again, I will just reapply for another one.

Things just keep getting harder and harder.

Tuesday

2011-09-06T22:42:00.000-04:00

I don't have all that much to say. The weather has turned cold suddenly and I am not prepared for it. I really need to get my clothes picked up. The other homeless woman I met has agreed to take me to my storage unit. So that will be nice. I can't believe how suddenly it became fall. I am sure we will have some warm days ahead, but it will be cold tonight. Which really isn't all that bad for me since it is always warmer in the car. It has been raining for more than 24 hours now.

The rain is hard because you can't open the windows in the car. So it gets very stuffy. But if you leave the window opened it will get moist and then will get a mildew smell. With those two choices you have to take the stuffy right? That lasts one or two nights, the mildew smell will linger for a while.

I do have some good news at work, I will be getting an additional shift every other week. Someone has a family issue that will take a few months to clear up, so that will help me out. It also will make the help the time go by.

I am hoping that this will make things better for me. I am starting to feel like this will not be over for me before the winter comes. I don't want to be spending the nights in a shelter. They are not safe. The problem is that most homeless people are either addicts or mentally ill. So they won't think twice about threatening you or stealing from you. It is strange, but my car is a safer place to sleep. Also, I don't get out of work in time to get to the shelters. You have to be there by a certain hour or they won't take you. Most want you there before 7 and I work until at least 8 most nights. So I don't know how I will deal with the cold weather.

It is months away, so I can hope for a miracle between now and then. Like I said, that woman I met has been homeless since January. I was thinking about that today. I remember thinking in the winter months how lucky I was that I could stave it off for a few months. There were times that it wasn't above freezing for several days in a row. That must really be hard. Although I don't think she sleeps in her car every night. She mentioned last night that she had to sleep in her car last night. I took that as meaning that isn't always the case. I guess she sleeps where she can, and when she can't find a place she sleeps in her car. Sometimes I don't see her for days at a time. I try not to be nosy, so I don't ask too many questions. I am not comfortable answering personal questions, so I don't like asking others when I am not willing to do it myself.

Anyway - I am off for the night. I have a job fair to go to in the morning and I have to be there by 9. I am normally still sleeping then, so I have to figure out a way to wake myself up. My phone alarm is not loud enough to wake me up.

I guess I can call that lady to give me a wake up call. Yeah, I should do that.

Have a good night all.

Monday

2011-09-05T01:14:00.000-04:00

It is so sticky out tonight that is hard to sleep. I think I solved my problem about getting my winter clothes. There is a woman that I have gotten to know over the past few months. When I first met her I thought she was homeless too, but then I dismissed that idea. Tonight she told me that she is homeless.

She has been homeless since January. Wow, that is a long time. She did recently find a part time job. It doesn't pay very well, but it is something at least. Anyway - she has a working car. She told me tonight that if I needed anything to let her know. So I am going to ask her if she can drive me to my storage unit. I will give her gas money.

She also told me that she knows a very good mechanic. Once she passes on that information to me, I will give him a call to find out what he would charge me. I have decided I am only going to get the car partially fixed for now. That is all I can do.

So that makes five people that I have met that are homeless. Two of which are mentally ill. One I think may be, I see her talking to herself all the time. But that doesn't always mean that she is mentally ill. I talk to myself at times too. Especially lately, since I pretty much my only company most of the time. Of course when I talk to myself I don't do it out aloud. I am thinking that most other people do that too. Do they?

Anyway, she was telling me how badly people treat her when they find out she is homeless. I have not really told very many people, so I my experience is slightly different. But I do know that people look at you funny. As I have said only two people have come and talked to me and try to help me. Both have done what they can do. The man I see in the mornings gives me money every few days. Not very much, but it is something. I really need it this month as my church was unable to give me any money for food this month. One person in the church has damage from the hurricane and the money collected this month went to them.

I did go to that new laundromat that I found. It is much better. It has a bathroom and it is air conditioned. It is also a little less expensive too. So I am very happy that I found it. It is also near a grocery store that has a microwave to use. I like that. I can get a hot meal. I also found pudding today that doesn't require refrigeration. It seems a little weird to me, but it tasted it good. It is only $1 for 4. It helps fill me up a little more after a can of soup.

Well have a good night.

Friday

2011-09-02T17:36:00.000-04:00

Another month has arrived and with it comes a horrible jobs report. A net loss of jobs for the month of August. What in God's name am I going to do?

Instead of them fighting over when the damn speech is going to be they should be doing something that is going to get this economy moving again.

I don't want to hear any more speeches, I want a job that will allow me to have a roof over my head. I am reaching the end of my rope with this living in a broken down car business. People are becoming more and more frightened about spending money on things like furniture. People are scared to death that they will lose their jobs next.

Cut the payroll taxes so companies will start hiring again. How hard is that?

This crap about how the president understands my pain has long since grown old. Didn't he just spend more than a week at house that costs more than I make in a year? Yeah, I think he did. I realize that he doesn't understand what it is like to be me, because he doesn't. But does he really have to show how much he doesn't understand? I am far from the only person in this country who is hurting. But unless they find a way to get this economy moving again, more and more people are going to have to make the same choices I did just to keep themselves in food.

Thursday

2011-09-01T22:58:00.000-04:00

Sorry that I have not posted in a while. I am feeling down at the moment. I am just so tired. I think it more emotional than anything else, but either way I am just dragging. My life is much more complicated without a working car. The expenses from the hurricane have made it impossible for me to even consider getting the car fixed at this point. I was going to be short in any event, but this is going to make it so I am short even after my next pay period.

I am getting worried that my car will be towed. I also am trying to figure out how to get my fall/winter clothes. I used a storage facility that is further away to save on money every month, but it is not possible to get to via public transportation. I don't have anything heavy with me at all. I don't even have a long sleeved shirt. So that is going to be my next issue. I am thinking I can go as far as I can by bus, take a taxi the rest of the way and then bring my suitcase with me. I think that is my best course of action. I will more than likely wait until I can't wait anymore before I spend that kind of money. The car is still pretty warm at night even when the air is cooler. So that helps me. But I will need heavier clothes for work soon.

I hate being depressed.

Sunday

2011-08-28T23:23:00.001-04:00

I survived the hurricane. I stayed in a motel for the night. In retrospect it probably wasn't necessary. We didn't have much of a hit in this area. But since there was no way to know that, I was better off being safe than sorry. I just hated the idea of spending the money. That money I need to get my car running again. But life throws unexpected things at you.

From what I can tell there was flooding in all the usual places, some trees came down causing some to lose power. Other than that, not very much. I don't believe that any deaths are reported in this area. So there is something to be grateful for.

I didn't sleep very well. I am not sure why since I was a bed for the first time in quite a while. It was nice to take a shower in a much more private way though. The gym isn't ideal for privacy.

Have a good night.

Saturday

2011-08-27T10:13:00.000-04:00

The storm is supposed to being hit this area anytime now. So far it is only cloudy. There are no high winds or rain as of yet. The buses will continue to run on a normal schedule, at least for now. I can find a place to stay for tonight, I think my issue is going to be if I use the money to stay for two nights. I think that is most likely the best thing for me to do, but it is a big chunk of money for me to spend.

I am just thinking that tomorrow will be difficult to get around, but I think the wisest course of action will be to wait and see how bad the damage is. This is only my second hurricane, so I am not exactly what to expect.

So far everything here is open and seems to be like a regular cloudy day. People are out and about.

Well, I am very hungry so I am going to head to the Safeway to get some food.

Stay safe everyone.

Thursday

2011-08-25T23:22:00.000-04:00

I went and voted. That made me happy. My ID matches my the address on my voter registration so I guess it was all good. The candidate I voted for lost, but not because I didn't try.

Anyway - another good thing that came out me voting was I found a closer laundromat. That made me happy. I can get my laundry done in like half the time now. It took me over an hour to get to the other place by bus. This one is much closer.

I am thinking I am going to have to rent a hotel room Saturday night because of the hurricane that is coming. I thinking staying in my car with 60 mph winds is probably not the best of ideas. Although I am sure I would be fine. I am not parked near any big trees or anything like that. I have read on several news sites that getting some supplies like bottled water is a good idea. But it is hard for me since I have to lug it on the bus. I have one gallon, so that should be fine.

I am not going to be able to get my car fixed until my next pay period. I have just enough to get it fixed, but that would leave me nothing for the next two weeks, so that is not a good idea.

I did find another temporary job. It starts in mid September and lasts until the end of October. It is a store that will be selling Halloween supplies. I love Halloween. I have such good memories of that growing up. Although it was pretty cold in New Hampshire by the end of October, it was still fun. So I am thinking I will enjoy it. I will only have three shifts per week, but it is something to add to my savings.

I was hoping that I would be out of this situation by the end of November, but that is looking less likely now with all the money I will be using for car repairs. Oh, well. I am not going to dwell on that now. I am just going to keep moving forward and see what happens.

I also got some leads on two other positions and will be looking into those tomorrow and Monday. I have to keep telling myself that my luck has to turn around at some point. Doesn't it?

I am pretty exhausted, I have had a busy week with filing out job applications.

I hope all is well, and have a good night.

Tuesday

2011-08-23T00:37:00.000-04:00

I am all excited. I am going to vote for the first time in a state election. It is only the primary, but it still makes a difference. I did my research and feel I am making good choices. I hope so anyway. It is a small race, but it is a step in the right direction for me.

I realize that not being involved has led our country to where it is. Too many of don't pay close enough attention. I was one of them. Although I am kind of worry that I shouldn't be voting. I technically don't live in any district. I am still registered where my apartment is. I figure I am paying property taxes and that is where my mail goes to, so I should have the right to vote. They get my money every month with my mortgage payment. I think I should ask at the voting place, I don't want to cause trouble.

I have no idea how I am going to get there, but I will find a way. I think I will have to take like two or three buses, but this is important. I need to become a more responsible citizen when it comes to voting.

I had to work today because people are sick and I had a good sales day. This is a new pay period, so I always like starting off a pay period with a nice sales day and it is an extra day of work. So that is always nice. More hours and more commission. I am hoping that I can get my car fixed two weeks from Friday. That will be nice.

Someone threw a $20 bill into my car when I was sleeping. I know it wasn't mine since I feel that my carrying cash is not a good idea, so I put that in the bank right away. It is kind of scary that someone can get that close to my car and I don't even hear them. But I never sleep more than five or six hours a night so I guess I need to make the most of it when I get it.

Well, I have almost all my bills for the month covered. I have my phone bill and insurance paid for. I still need to pay my storage costs. But, I will get paid before that hits my bank account. So I will be fine. I keep as much as I can in my second account so I don't spend it. If I need to, I move over money so I can have enough for what I need. I do need to take care of my bus pass. I am almost out on that. Only one more ride before it is not good anymore. So I need to do that tomorrow, before I go and vote.

I hope you have a good day.

Sunday

2011-08-21T00:26:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day at work. I had some good sales. I even sold some full price merchandise too. So that of course makes me happy. It will make an otherwise not so great pay check better. I didn't sell anything at all yesterday. Nada, zip, nothing.

I was hoping to get to sleep early tonight, but that didn't happen. There is this couple that comes to the restaurant that I spend most of my time at. They always come in different cars and then spend about an hour playing kissey face in the smaller car. It is very strange. Their isn't a better place to go and do that? I wonder if one of them is married, or maybe even both. What really makes it strange is that they do this late in the evening and on weekends. There are quite a few office buildings that have free parking after business hours that would be much more private. It is weird. Don't you think?

I have been having some issues with my skin getting very chaffed lately. I am not sure why, but it hurts.

Oh, I saw that boy again today. He is really cute. But, I shouldn't be thinking about romance during a time like this. But, I will admit a little affection would be very nice right now. Good conversation would be really nice about now too. But, how does one explain that they are homeless? Oh well, it isn't meant to be.

I hope you have been enjoying your weekend. It is a little hot again, so sleep is much harder. But, I have church tomorrow and it is a long ways on the bus, so I must try and get to sleep.

Have a good day.

Friday

2011-08-19T21:23:00.000-04:00

Oh, what a day. I can't find my cell phone charger. I know where I left it, but when I called to ask if it was there, they couldn't find it. I got caught in this huge rain storm and I am soaking wet, and I went and bought a new phone charger and it isn't charging. The phone is totally dead too. I don't like sleeping without the phone in case of an emergency. I get really mad at myself when these things happen.

I am normally very organized and very methodical. Not anymore, and it just makes me crazy. I can't find my hairbrush. How do you lose something when you live in a car? I also misplaced my bus pass a few weeks ago. I did find it eventually, but had to buy a new one for the days I couldn't find it. When I have to spend money on stupid things like this I get very upset with myself.

Oh, well there is nothing I can do about the phone until tomorrow. Getting caught in the rainstorm threw off my schedule so I can't make it back to the store where I bought the charger. I will take care of that in the morning before I go to work. The truth is I sleep so soundly now, that quite honestly someone could have a live band outside my car I probably wouldn't hear it. I guess exhaustion will do that to you.

The truth is we humans have an amazing capacity to adapt. I suppose that is how we have lasted on the planet as long as we have. When other species can't adapt they disappear. That is what I have done, I have adapted to my current situation in order to survive it. I don't like it much, but I have found a way to get through it so I can reach the other side.

I hope all is well with you, and have a good night.

Wednesday

2011-08-17T12:16:00.000-04:00

Another beautiful day. I am trying to have a count my blessings day. It is much better than being depressed. I have to remind myself sometimes that I am much better off then many homeless. I have a place to sleep that is out of the elements and is safe, relatively speaking. I have never gone a full 24 hours without food. I may not always like what I have to eat, but I am eating. I make it to a ladies room when I need to most of the time (pantyliners are very necessary when you are homeless) and I am able to keep myself clean most of the time as well. I have clean clothes to put on and a job. While it doesn't pay that well, it keeps me going until I can get back on feet.

This morning a very nice man came over to speak to me. He walks past me every morning on his way to get coffee. I have been seeing him for about a month or so now, and today he said hello. He also gave me $20. That is enough for me to eat for the week. Although I have money for food already. My church gave me a gift card from the Safeway again. So that is nice. I put the money in the bank right away. I do worry about being robbed. Not something that I think about constantly, but it is a concern. I always set my phone to 9-1-1 before I go to sleep just in case. I am little more worried about now then before because now the car won't start. The starter is gone. At least I think it is the starter. It can't be the battery because the alarm and the radio still work. I do know that from the mileage on the car I should be getting my timing belt on the car replaced about now. So it is one of those two things. I didn't look up the cost of the timing belt, but the starter online is about $250. I don't have any tools, so I can't do it myself (and I am clueless when it comes to fixing cars). I figure with a 30% markup and an hour of labor it should be about $500 to repair. I have decided that I am going to get the starter and the hose that is leaking fixed first, that will be another $200 or so. It will at least make the car somewhat drivable for the time being. Then I will go back and get the fan and the switch replaced once I save up more money. I am hoping to be able to do that next week, but I think I will still be a little short. So it looks like I will have to wait for two pay periods instead of one. But hey, maybe someone will come into the store and buy (and not cancel) a house full of furniture and my paycheck will be a good size. A girl can dream right?

Since my car no longer runs, my routine has changed a bit. I didn't eat breakfast this morning, so I am off to the Safeway to get some lunch.

Have a good day and try to have a count your blessings day too!!

Tuesday

2011-08-16T08:56:00.000-04:00

Another day has arrived. I was able to get more laundry done. I know it seems like I go through a lot of clothes, and I do. But you have to remember that it is pretty warm sleeping in a car so I get much more sweaty than I did in the past. So I change much more than many other people.

Taking the bus has been somewhat interesting. First they make these announcements in Spanish all the time but not in English. For some reason I thought taking German was a good idea so I don't know Spanish. Do they think that only Spanish speaking people take the bus? I guess so.

Another thing that I found very annoying, no downright scary was a sign I saw last week. The NIH is looking for people who use cocaine. They will pay you to come in. They also will reimburse your travel expenses. Isn't paying someone who does drugs a bad idea? Do they people who are using cocaine want to help find the NIH find out what it does to there body or do they really just want to get money in order to do more? The NIH wants to know what affect cocaine has on people. A bad one. Hows that? They can give the money that they are wasting on this to me. I solved it. It hurts the individuals and it hurts their loved ones.

Just some observations.

I will try and write more later but I have some errands to do today and they may take a while on the bus.

Have a good day.

Saturday

2011-08-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

I have not been having luck with getting internet connections of late. Such is the life of the people with no internet connection of their own. I was able to get on for short periods of time, but then would get thrown off. But it seems to be holding for now at least.

Not that all that much in my life has changed in the past few days. But I get emails when I don't post asking if I am doing ok. So I wanted to let you know, I am doing just fine and dandy as one can be under the circumstances I find myself in.

I had a rather strange exchange with a customer at work earlier this week. I was getting her address information for her order and I need both a billing and shipping address. Usually they are the same, but sometimes they are not. This woman is buying a new house and I guess the closing on her old one was sooner or something like that. It seems she was living with friends or something and made this joke about oh, you can just deliver to the bridge I am living under. Ha ha, very funny. Of course she has no way of knowing that I am homeless.

The thing is that people just assume that the homeless are all bums and addicts who don't have jobs. That simply isn't the case. I am not the only living in my current situation. Another commenter on this blog is also in the same situation that I am in. There is at least one other homeless and working blog out there as well. So people may want to think about not making that joke to a stranger that is working in a lower wage job, because they may be just like me.

I am feeling better than the last time I posted. I get a little depressed at moments, but luckily I am able to get over it quickly. I really don't like self pity. I believe that self pity is why my brother is still an addict. He is always making excuses about how hard his life is. Get over it. If you someone told it was going to be fair or easy they lied.

I was thinking about going to a movie tonight, but it is quite cool this evening. I would rather spend the money on a night that be harder to sleep. Tonight is sleeping weather. I needed a blanket the other night. That felt so good, to wrap up in a blanket. I have not needed to do that in months.

I also have looked at my finances and I think I am on solid ground with my goal of being back into a roommate situation before Thanksgiving. My car being in disrepair has hurt me a bit, but I think I will recover from that. I hope anyway. I think I may have some good news on that front soon. I will keep you posted.

I did break open the wallet this week and buy myself another pair of shoes. I found a pair on super clearance for $18. I have these sneakers and I just can't wear them anymore. I have washed them twice, but they still are stinky and dirty. They are just so gross that I had to throw them out. I still need to get a good pair of shoes for the professional environment, but that can wait until I really need them. I have an odd sized foot so trying to get shoes on clearance is really difficult for me. For sandals and boots I normally have to pay full price. It isn't all that much different for a pair of decent work shoes too. But like I said they can wait. I was so grateful to find something on clearance in my size. That is rare. Most stores only get one or two in my size per store. The speciality stores that carry a bigger selection in my size are very expensive.

So I read that Michele Bachmann won the straw poll today. Good for her. She will not be president, but it is nice to see a strong conservative woman do well. I saw her speak at a tea party event I went to some months back. The crowd seemed to love her.

I hope you all have a good night, and sometimes my not posting has to do with getting an internet connection. I sometimes have no luck.

Thursday

2011-08-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

I am going through a my life sucks stage at the moment. I guess that is understandable under the circumstances, but I really hate self pity. It really is a useless emotional response. It gets you nowhere. No, that is not true, it makes things worse for you. So why I allow myself to indulge in it makes me mad.

I am not able to get my car fixed because I don't have the money. I am having no luck in find another job. I keep filling out applications, but hear nothing back. August is a dead month in this area, so it is not surprising, but still very discouraging. My bank just changed and I am having problems with the routing number. I am not sure I am going to get my paycheck on time tomorrow to top everything else off. It seems that the routing number has changed. But I won't be able to check for sure until I get to work tomorrow. I can only do laundry in small loads because I am schlepping everything on the bus. It SUCKS!!!

So I am feeling sorry for myself at the moment. I just need to shake it off and get on with it. I was hoping to watch the debate tonight, but I don't think I will be able to find anyone who will be televising it. Not many Fox News fans in this area. Highly democratic area. Free internet is great but it really isn't all that great for live streaming, so even if Fox does it, I won't be able to watch it in a way that it will make any sense. It will keep cutting out on and off. I can't be bothered to even try and watch videos anymore because it will take me 15 minutes to watch a two minute video. It SUCKS!!!

I am trying to stay more informed politically than I have in the past, so I read things. But only watching a debate can you tell how someone did. No writer in the world can do it justice. Body language and facial expressions make a huge difference and that it is hard to convey in an article.

Oh, well. There is nothing that I can do about it at the moment. I have to trek back to the laundromat today, so I need to get going.

Have a good day!

Tuesday

2011-08-09T10:01:00.000-04:00

So I see President Obama said yesterday that creating jobs was easy. So easy that he failed to do it in two plus years. Those shovel ready jobs that he joked were not quite as shovel ready as he thought.

I am so glad that he thinks it is a joke. He lives in the White House for free and I live in a car and hope that I have enough money to buy food towards the end of every month. So funny. So amusing.

I don't blame presidents for the economic downturns. They happen on regular basis. That is just the way a free market works. What I do tend to blame them for is how they interfere with them and how they talk about them. The first President Bush can tell you that acting like people are not hurting is not a good strategy. I don't remember that all that well, but I have heard other people who do talk about it. People said he seemed out of touch to the struggles of everyday Americans.

What is going on now is much worse because it has lasted so long. We are getting close to four years now. There are people who have lost two or three jobs during this time. There are people who are working three or four part time jobs. There are people who have had to move in with family. And then there are people like me who are homeless because they don't have family that can help them. We are going to have a "lost decade" as has been described as what happened in Japan.

Not everyone is going to be able to survive a lost decade. I know that I am lucky compared to many other homeless, but that doesn't make my situation any easier to deal with. It doesn't make my back hurt any less from sleeping in a car. It doesn't make cold soup taste any better. It doesn't make the endless hours that you are trying to fill go by any faster. Everyone looks at life from their own perspective. There are always going to be people who are worse off than you, but that doesn't mean that you don't spend time thinking about the people who are better off than you. It is human nature to think about yourself and the things you are dealing with. At least from time to time. You can hope that you can gather yourself and realize it could be worse. But the moments will come that you are feeling trapped and unhappy with where you are in life.

I see other homeless people all the time. I am not sure if I am noticing them more now then before or not. But it scares me. The other day I had some guy asking me for money to get home on the bus. He had been drinking and it wasn't even 11 am. I see this woman every so often who seems to have a cleaning fetish. She goes around cleaning businesses. I am not sure if they pay her or not. One night when I saw her it had to be 80 degrees and she had on her winter coat. There is another man who I see every so often who must be schizophrenic. He carries on full conversations with himself while he is looking at you. I don't know if he is homeless or not, but he seems to have the same clothes on all the time, so I would think he is.

How close am I to becoming them? These people seem to live on the streets as a way of life and it doesn't look like much will change for them.

Saturday

2011-08-06T01:48:00.000-04:00

Another jobs report was released. It is supposed to be really good news. 170K jobs this month. It is kind of amusing when the unemployment claim number was 400K. I don't see how that is good news. Especially when people like me don't fall into the unemployment number.

The credit rating for the country has been downgraded. Thanks to an incompetent federal government. There are very few people in Washington that seem to understand what is going on in the country. Maybe some of them should read my blog about the day to day life of someone struggling to survive. Really and truly survive. My battle to keep a roof over my head is already lost. How much more do I have to lose before they realize that they need to get serious about doing the things that are necessary to get our country back on the right track?

I have been reading many different accounts of what happened to today. Most of the right leaning outlets are blaming Obama. Most of the left leaning are blaming the tea party and Bush. Well that is very helpful isn't it? At this point does it matter whose fault it is? Can't we just fix the problem? The powers that be have decided that Congress did not do enough to deal with the debt long term. That is really the bottom line. Fix the spending and debt issues. Worry about whose fault it is later.

I wonder if the people in DC even realize that people like me exist? People who have jobs but are homeless. It seems like I am not the only one blogging about this experience. At least two others are as well. Maybe I should send my link to every member of congress and see what type of response I get. Not that I think they personally read email from the masses, but I suppose someone in the office is forced to read them all.

I saw a poll today too that said that 80% think the country is going in the wrong direction. Gee, you think? I am sure businesses like McDonalds and Walmart are going to do very well moving forward over the next few months.

I don't think I will be making much at my job. People are going to be too nervous to spend money. It looks like a double dip recession is going to happen. I am mean it really already is, but just not on paper in the technical terms.

But, the good news is that Oprah still thinks Obama is the man. I read that today too.

Sorry, I read as many free newspapers that I can get my hands on. Since I can't really afford to buy them I pick up stuff on my rounds during the day. I did see the title to one article in the Washington Post today that says:

If Sharp Losses continue, effort to dig out of debt may be impaired. Boy what wonderful insight that Micheal Fletcher has. I didn't read the article, but the headline sure made me laugh.

I can't sleep tonight. The weather is fine for sleeping, but I guess all this financial stuff has me a little upset and worried.

The company that told me that they would bring me back for a second interview called today while I was working. They have decided to put off hiring for right now. They will let me know when they are ready to reschedule the interviews. Who knows if that is true, but either way, I am not getting the job. I thought interview went very well too. I think that is why I can't sleep.

Have a good day.

Thursday

2011-08-04T22:23:00.001-04:00

I had the test done on my car and the news isn't horrible, but isn't great either. It is a middle of the road repair. The total cost should range somewhere between $600-$800. It could have been worse. So I guess I can be grateful for that.

When I went into work I found out the couple that came and bought three rooms of furniture came back about an hour after I left and cancelled the order. I guess they found something else at another store. Or panicked at the money they were spending. Until it delivers you can never be sure. So I guess my next pay check will still be something to laugh at. I understand their point of view, but I sometimes I wonder if people understand what it is like to sell in a commission environment. If you go in and use up a great deal of their time and not buy anything you are taking money out of their pockets. This couple was there for three hours on a very steady day. I am the only one that had a bad sales day. Everyone else sold very well. Oh, well that is the life of commission sales. You win some and you lose some.

I am still feeling hopeful about the future though. Things are starting to turn around slowly. I don't feel as desperate as I did a few months back. I figure I got through the worst of the summer heat, most nights have a breeze now and I am sleeping better. I have some cushion with money. I am doing ok with food. So given a little more time I will be back on my feet.

I got a call today about a job interview. I missed the call, but called back as I got the message and am waiting to hear back from them. It isn't my dream job, but it will do. Being picky isn't really much of an option for me at this point in time. August is not really much of a happening month in this area, but I am hoping I will be the exception to that rule and find something.

One way or another life will get better, I just have to keep telling myself that and not get stuck in the rut of depression I felt for the first few months I was homeless. I talked to Aunt Bessie today and that always makes me feel better. My dear sweet Aunt. One of the nicest people ever to walk the earth. She wasn't feeling well for a week or so, but luckily it is only a cold. At her age you can never be to careful, so I insisted she go to the doctor and she was right, it was nothing to be concerned about. I am hoping I can get the money together to go and see her for a few days. One can dream anyway. It has been a while since I have seen her. But we talk every other day. That will have to be enough for now. As soon as I am settled and have some money saved up I am going to send her a train ticket. She has only been to see me once here and I keep making excuses on why she can't come again. I can't exactly have her sleeping in my car.

There is really nice breeze tonight, so I am hoping for a good night of sleep. Last night wasn't all that great. It was raining and somewhat cool, but it rained hard enough that I had to keep the windows closed, so it made it warm in the car. But I slept much later than I normally do, the cloud cover this morning was the saving grace. I didn't have the morning sun beating down on my face and getting me all sweaty that wakes me up most mornings by 7. I didn't wake up until almost 9 this morning. That felt good. Tonight will be an open window night so I should be good. As long as it gets a breeze going at night, I can get myself to sleep. It is when it is dead humid air that it becomes impossible to sleep. It is just to hot. Oh, you fall asleep eventually just because you can't keep you eyes open anymore, but it isn't a good sound sleep.

My next adventure is going to be getting my laundry done. Money isn't the issue this time, it is not having a car to drive there. Getting the dirty clothes there will be easy, it is getting the clean folded ones back that will be difficult on the bus. I don't have a suitcase with me. I put that in my storage so I don't know how I will get them back to my car. Until my car is fixed I can't drive there, it is too far with the current state of disrepair. It is illegal in this state not to have some sort of laundry facility for renters. So coin laundromats are not that easy to find. I only know of one in this area and I found it by mistake about two years ago when I got lost one night. The other I found on the Internet is even further away. So, I guess I will have to do small loads at a time and just bring them back and forth on the bus. I have enough clean clothes for work this week, so that is all that matters really.

Have a good night

Tuesday

2011-08-02T11:41:00.001-04:00

I had some good news yesterday. I was able to work an extra shift yesterday, someone has a family emergency and is unable to work for a week. Not that it is a good thing for them, but it will help me. Especially since someone came and bought 3 rooms of furniture yesterday. They just bought a bigger home. So that was very nice for me. Sales have picked up a bit over the past two weeks. I am not sure if it is the big sale they had or maybe it is starting to take a turn for the better. That remains to be seen. But at least my paycheck will be not be something to laugh at only.

I want to thank the people who have helped me out recently. I want to tell you, this is the first time in such a long time that I am hopeful. The light at the end of the tunnel is still aways away, but at least I can see it now.

Apparently I have corporate sponsors now. So click and get some gold and silver prices. I don't know how they found me, but I am thankful that they did.

I didn't have time to get my car checked out yesterday since I had to go to work. I am also wondering if I should spend the money now before I have enough to get it fixed. Sometimes I think at least I will know what it costs and other times I think why give them that money when I may need it for some other emergency that comes up. I have almost no cushion. I need to think about it some more I guess. Or maybe some of you can give some input. The test is $100. I already know that the fan doesn't work. I already know which hose is leaking. I shouldn't have an issue with the housing (I think that is the right term) because I had to have that fixed a year ago. The radiator itself is also not leaking as far as I can tell. I have to think on this. I can't get it done until Thursday due to my schedule, so I have time to think about it.

Also, I met a boy over the weekend. Well, I actually met him a few weeks ago, but we got to talking. This is a very strange situation. I can't exactly hide the fact that I am homeless for long and I would think that would make him run in the other direction as quickly as he can. So what is the point? But he seems nice and he is cute too. Who knows maybe I am reading too much into it and he was just trying to be friendly. God knows I have been really lonely. I have only been out with a few guys since Dickie and I broke up. I did see someone about four or five times but it fizzled out after that. Once money got really tight for me, I closed myself off to dating thinking it would be pointless. So, it would be nice just to go out on date and have adult conversation for a change. I am amazed at how little I hear my own voice now. My world is so small I don't really talk to many people anymore.

Have a good day.

Sunday

2011-07-31T11:58:00.000-04:00

Since I spend all of my time out in public I overhear conversations constantly. I don't mean to listen, but it really can't be helped. I am beginning to think that we are just so stupid to re-elect Obama. One night there was a tv commercial on about the debt and the economy done by an obviously right leaning organization. The guy said very loudly that they can blame Bush for the economy.

Now, when I lost my job Bush was president. I was among many others who were losing their jobs at the time. Hundreds of thousands were losing their jobs every month at that time. To be honest I wasn't overly concerned at the time. Looking back at that now I realize it was a mistake. But I had enough money to live on for at least a year if I was careful. I collected unemployment for three weeks before finding the job selling furniture. To me that was going to pay my utilities and car note. I would use my savings to pay my mortgage. I figured I would be ok. Obviously it didn't work out that way. I know now that I should have rented my apartment much sooner than I did. But shoulda, woulda, coulda. I can't change it now.

As I have said before I didn't pay very close attention to politics until it was time to vote for president. I didn't even really pay attention to until well after the selections for who was going to run was done. I guess I would start reading up on them in mid October or so. The last election I didn't really need to do that. The primary process between Clinton and Obama was so protracted and nasty that I did pay attention to it. Mind you I still didn't go vote in the primary, but I paid attention more than I had before. I knew by the time that Obama got the nomination that he would be president and it would not be a good thing. McCain never really had much of chance. The media helped with the argument that he was just going to be Bush #3. People were mad at Bush for the wars and blamed him for the souring economy. People were scared watching their investments for retirement becoming worth less and less. I know I was very worried about Aunt Bessie. She came from the generation where people didn't stick money into a 401(k) from a young age like people do now. Or at least have the ability to. So her meager savings and investments have to last. She doesn't get much from Social Security. Luckily she came from a generation that people had pensions from their employment. But still, it isn't easy for her; she has to spend carefully. Aunt Bessie voted for Obama. She was scared and I can't blame her for that.

I don't know why people would be any less scared now. Matter of fact, shouldn't they be more scared? The economy isn't getting better except on paper. According to economic models were out of the recession in June of 09 or somewhere around there. Do you think we are out of recession? Does anyone really believe that people's lives are improving? I am sure that some are. I am sure that some feel that have economic security; at least for now. I used to think that way too. I even thought that when I first lost my job. I will even go as far to say that I didn't realize how unstable my position was until about last summer. By that point I was already renting a room and had just sold my car to get rid of my high car payment. I bought a used one that I thought would last me at least 2 years.

But then the realization that I was really in trouble hit. Virtually all of my savings was gone at that point. My job had recently cut my commission levels and people were just not buying as much anymore. I went from making about $1500 per month to making $700. My rent was $600. I had just used the last of savings to pay off my car note so even if I could find a cheaper rent, I didn't have the money for the deposit. Then a few months later they cut my hours. I knew all as over for me then. I knew that unless I found a better paying job I would be on the streets. I was lucky that I was able to stave it off until the weather became more mild. I didn't want to be in my car when it was in the 20's.

So to me I don't understand how people are still blaming Bush for this. Yeah, he was in office when this crisis started for me, but he was well out of office when it really became a crisis. Bush didn't spend all that money on a stimulus that wasn't really needed. If the recession technically ended in 6/09 the stimulus didn't do that. It would have been recovered on it's own. All the stimulus did was get us closer to the time that we had to raise the debt ceiling. The nastiness that is happening now with all the talk in Washington is causing more problems for the economy. The markets are reacting to the unknown, they don't like the unknown. When the markets react, the average small business owner suffers. The line of credit is harder to extend and then the layoffs usually follow shortly thereafter.

I saw this lady on a really main road the other day with a sign that said lost my job and desperate, please help. She looked like she was middle aged and dressed in neat and clean clothing. I wanted to stop and talk to her. Not that I can much to help her in my current position, but I really thing I could give her some advice on what I did to cut my costs. Also some of the mistakes that I made. Like I said, I should have rented my apartment sooner. My mortgage was by far my biggest expense. If I had been able to save on that I may not be in the position I am in now.

With my car being in disrepair and in danger of overheating, I was not able to stop. But she can't be the only one. There are millions of others who are just like this lady. Who are afraid of becoming me. She may have kids at home, which make her feel even more desperate I am sure. I only have to worry about myself. I can survive on eating bread for a few days. I don't like it, but I can (and have) do it. But imagine only having bread to give your kids for days. The guilt and the shame you would feel.

The bottom line is that maybe McCain wouldn't have done a better job. Maybe we would still be here had he gotten elected instead. But it seems pretty obvious that Obama isn't up to the task. While I don't believe that a president alone can make the economy better, he (or she) has the power to make it worse. Obama has made it worse with all interference and additional regulations that are spooking small business owners into not wanting to invest. Without investment from the private sector, the economy will not grow.

I actually overhead some woman say last night that things in this country started to take a turn for the worse when Reagan was in office because of the deregulation that he did. Huh? Poverty levels decreased under Reagan overall. Poverty levels also decreased under Clinton when he was pushed into changing up the welfare system. People were forced to go out and support themselves and once they did find jobs, their lives improved.

I read recently that the new CAFE standards for cars that Obama is putting into place is going to cause more car deaths, because the car companies will be forced to make the cars lighter. Lighter cars will kill more people and cause more expensive repairs when you are in an accident. How exactly does this new regulation help people? It must be that stupid belief that we are saving the earth this way. The difference in emissions is so meaningless that it is all just for show. If global warming is real, it won't help. So why do it?

We just may be that stupid that we re-elect this man. Very scary for that lady I saw with the sign the other day. She may be writing the next homeless blog you see.

Friday

2011-07-29T23:14:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have not been around for a while. Time has kind of escaped me this week.

It hasn't been a good week for me.

The bookstore that I hang out in a great deal is going out of business. They have some great deal on books, but since I can't afford them it is meaningless to me. But this may mean that I won't have any place to go that is air conditioned past 9. Which will really stink.

The other day I bought some groceries with virtually the last of my food money for the month. The things that needed to be refrigerated I brought to work. Today when I went to have my lunch I realized that the majority of the food had been stolen. They left the pita bread that I brought to go with the hummus and spinach dips that I got on sale. So all I have left until Monday is bread. They also took my fruit and my yogurt. This was very upsetting to me. Somehow I doubt that they are homeless. I don't get taking food that doesn't belong to you. If they are that hungry they should ask. This is the first time that I was able to buy melon in quite a while. It is pretty expensive and since I don't have the ability to keep things I don't buy it. I was really looking forward to eating that today. It really made me mad because they went through the bag and took what they liked and left the rest. Picky thieves, but thieves all the same. I actually have another word for them. But, I will leave that alone for the moment.

This just added insult to injury with these groceries. By sheer stupidity I shoved my car key into the bag on my way to the bus stop that morning and I didn't take it out and put it my backpack. I left the key there and didn't realize it until it was too late. I had to spend the night walking around because I couldn't get into my car. I realize how lucky I am to have the car even more than I did before. It may be a little easier to sleep on really hot nights outside, but I didn't like that at all.

I have not gotten the test taken for my car yet. I was going to do that on Thursday but that got thrown into chaos because of being up all night when I couldn't get into my car. I have scouted out three locations that I can take it to. I am going to get the test done at the cheapest place and then see where the best price is from the three. I can only drive the car so far, so I can't be all that picky. I am also hoping that I can be allowed to buy the parts myself. Not all places will allow you to do that. I do know that the fan is not working, but I don't know if that is because of the switch or because of it really needs to replaced. The fan was less expensive than I thought. It isn't all that much more than the hose. I find that strange, but that is what I saw on Advanced Auto parts when I looked it up.

Have a good night.

Monday

2011-07-25T23:55:00.000-04:00

The heat wave has been broken. At least for tonight. I will get some much needed sleep. I can't believe how tired I am. I napped some today, but I kept getting woken up.

I am so grateful that I will be able to sleep tonight. It is still quite warm, but nothing compared to what it has been since Friday.

I think I am going to go sleep now as matter of fact.

Have a good night all.

Sunday

2011-07-24T23:09:00.001-04:00

My least favorite day of the week. I did catch a bit of a break tonight. I was allowed to hang out somewhere for well past how long I thought they would let me stay. So that was nice. A much welcomed extra 90 minutes of air conditioning.

The heat has been pretty brutal. But I have figured out a few ways to make it a little more bearable. I have some small face clothes with me. I get them wet and then wrap it around a bag of ice. I put the around my neck so that helps. I can at least fall asleep for a while.

Since I have not been in this situation in the winter I can't say which is worse full summer heat or full winter cold. I would think they both equally as dangerous. I can't imagine I will still be in this situation when the winter comes. But, I will tell you I would welcome an end to this heat wave.

I realized today that I had my soap with me, I thought I had put it in my storage unit. So that was another piece of good news. I don't have spend money on it, and I can get my hands back into shape. They feel like I have little needles sticking in them. I also have all this peeling skin. I never realized my skin was this sensitive. I have never had these issues in the past.

I treated myself to a movie last night. I found a coupon online and only had to pay half price. I went to see Friends with Benefits. I fully expected it not to hold my attention and I would take a nap. It was a funny movie. A lie of a story line that sex and emotion are mutually exclusive of one another. They are not. But it was funny all the same. One of things that I liked about it was how they mocked romantic comedies in the movie. Justin Timberlake is a good actor.

They seem to play movies in this theatre almost all night. So I hung around in there until late. I went into where Bad Teachers was playing. I don't feel bad because I did fall asleep so I didn't watch a movie I didn't pay for. I also think they expect people to do that and that is why they charge so much. A box of Thin Mints was $5. Who would pay that? You can go to the Safeway and get them for $1 sometimes. I didn't have any candy with me, but I did bring in my own drink. They must have a huge profit margin.

I should look that up sometime. If I ever get rich I am going to invest in multiplexes.

In any event, it was nice to feel like a normal human being for a night. I just a girl out to the movies. Granted I was alone, but I have been to movies on my own before. I also got some sleep in a dark cold room for a while too. Bliss.

Have a good night

Saturday

2011-07-23T11:21:00.000-04:00

The heat was a little overwhelming last night, but I survived. It should be cooling off after today. We may even get some storms today. For me a wonderful thing. I am hoping that they do come in.

Here is another thing that you would never think about before being in this position; hand soap. You are using public restrooms all the time so you are stuck using the soap that is provided. Most places have hand sanitizer now. But some people can't use too much of that because of the alcohol in it. Well in some cases the soap isn't all that much better. My hands look scary. They are all red and they hurt. I am not sure if it is the hand sanitizer or the soap that is causing it.

Some places use really cheap soap, and for anyone that has sensitive skin it will cause irritation over time. This is a relatively new problem. It just starting happening about two or three weeks ago. But it is starting to get worse. I have some soap in my storage, but due to my car issues it is too far away for me to get to. I will have to go and buy a small thing of hand soap. It will be well worth it. A strange think to be walking around with in your bag, but oh well. It can't be helped.

I am off to work. Here is to hoping for some great sales today.

Have a good day.

Friday

2011-07-22T09:00:00.000-04:00

I just can't catch a break these days. My car is in disrepair now to top off everything else. I was thinking yesterday it would be a relatively minor repair, but it won't be. The temperature gauge or whatever it is called is no longer working. Either that or fan itself isn't working. But either way it doesn't come on anymore. The engine gets so hot that it has damaged some of the hoses. I thought I could just replace the hose. Which I suppose I could do for a stop gap measure. But now that I went online to see how much that hose is it makes no sense. The hose itself is almost $150, and that my cost before the repair mark up. Most repair places won't let you buy the parts yourself. The repair is probably going to be around $1,000. Money that I in no way have. I can't imagine I will have that much money for months, as my pay just covers my monthly expenses and if I am lucky allows me to save a small amount. Although I will be saving money on gas.

The car isn't drivable for more than a few miles. But the good news is that it will still work as a closet and bedroom. I can get to work easily on the bus. So that won't be a problem either. It will be getting to the gym for showering that is going to be difficult. But, if you remember I posted recently that I found a stall that has its own sink. If I time it right, I can wash my hair in there with very people realizing what I am doing. I realize it shouldn't be my first concern, but I try and limit my embarrassment level as much as I can. Sponge bathing yourself is pretty easy to do and can be done almost anywhere.

Yesterday was my last day at the camp. I had fun. I am glad that I was given the chance to do that. It didn't pay all that much, but it was something. Every little bit helps. My storage bill for the month of August is now paid, my phone is paid until mid month, my car insurance is paid until October. I don't have much left over, but enough to keep me in food and put a small amount into savings. Which I guess is just going to get my car fixed at some point.

The heat is brutal. But there is nothing that I can do about that.

Thursday

2011-07-21T19:40:00.001-04:00

I just read that President Obama's campaign is trying to get people to have house party's to celebrate his 50th birthday. Hey anyone up to coming over to my car? I can seat five.

I can only afford the the $25 party pack. Sorry no t-shirts

But it does include a party hat and buttons. So let me know if you want to party in my car so we can re-elect the man who is doing absolutely nothing to fix the economy in any meaningful way. If he gets re-elected I might just have to get a sleeping bag because I won't be able to afford my car anymore either.
BYOB I can't drink and drive.

Thanks to Jill.

Wednesday

2011-07-20T15:28:00.000-04:00

I have a dilemma. I normally don't pay attention to weather reports. It really does me no good since I am outside the majority of the time anyway. But today I saw in paper that it is going to be at least 105 on Friday and the heat index should reach more than 115. This is a high humidity area, so it will be brutal. My dilemma is do I rent a motel room for the night? I can't imagine I will get much if any sleep with type of heat. But if I rent a motel room I using money that really needs to saved. I can get a motel room for $66. Not an excessive amount of money, but still a great deal to me.

I was thinking that maybe I should just wait and see how it goes, but that really isn't a good solution. If I am going to spend that much money I should get the room for as long as possible. Check in right from work and stay until check out at 11 the next morning. I don't want to go there in the middle of night. That is a complete waste of money as far as I am concerned. I don't get paid again until next Friday. But I can move money from my pay pal account to cover the cost.

I did this once before because I was really sick. I was running a fever, had chills and body aches. I needed a real bed for a few hours. I tried one night in my car and I just got worse. So I did spend one night in the motel and did feel much better the next day. Especially after taking a nice long shower in the morning. But, I barely had money for food until I got paid again. That was even on pay day. But, I have gotten much better at using less gas so my money is going further. I also have more food supplies now then I did then.

I honestly don't know what I should do. I am going to move the money into my checking account just in case I really do need it. But I really would rather not spend it. I can stay in the bookstore until 11. I can go to a McDonald's after that for a few hours. That would mean I would really only have to deal with the excessive heat for about six or seven hours.

I must save every dime I possibly can so I can find a permanent solution, not just a temporary stop gap about the heat. I certainly don't want to still be in this situation once the temperatures are below freezing or snowing out.

I guess I need to think about what the best course of action is.

Tuesday

2011-07-19T12:26:00.000-04:00

Conservatives will be really irritated to read this:

Data from the Department of Energy and other agencies show that the average poor family, as defined by Census officials: ● Lives in a home that is in good repair, not crowded, and equipped with air conditioning, clothes washer and dryer, and cable or satellite TV service. ● Prepares meals in a kitchen with a refrigerator, coffee maker and microwave as well as oven and stove. ● Enjoys two color TVs, a DVD player, VCR and — if children are there — an Xbox, PlayStation, or other video game system. ● Had enough money in the past year to meet essential needs, including adequate food and medical care.

Just imagine how I feel. I wish I was this "poor". I don't even need all of those things. I can live without the DVD player, the Xbox, I don't need two T.V.'s. Heck I have been living without it for months now. I don't need a coffeemaker either.

You can read the article here.