Monday, January 30, 2012


I am very tired tonight, but am unable to go to sleep at the moment.  I am having issues with where I usually sleep tonight.  I hope it doesn't last much longer because I really can't keep my eyes opened.  I am still having some problems with my feet.  Well, one toe in particular.  There is some sort of sore on it and no matter what I do I can't get it to start healing. I guess I need to get back to the clinic I went to earlier and have them look at it. 

I am very stressed about not having very many hours at work anymore.  But I should know better than to get myself all worked up.  Under the circumstances the best thing I can do is keep moving forward.  I have that job interview later this week.  I am looking forward to that.  I hope you will all keep your fingers crossed for me. 

It is going to be a good week sleeping wise, too.  The temperatures are not due to get very cold.  I have been very lucky with the mild winter so far.  I remember last winter when I knew that homelessness was inevitable and wondering how I would survive the cold.  Last winter there were many days that never got above freezing and the temperatures at night went into the single digits.  So far there has been only one night in the teens.  I was able to find a warm place to sleep that night.  I have had only one night where it was just too cold for me to sleep in.  I stayed in a diner all night.  I tried to sleep, but just couldn't do it. 

Most nights I am able to fall asleep quite easily and sleep for at least four or five hours.  Of course, that isn't really enough, but I have somehow made it work.  I found a place to nap in during the day if I have to.  So, unless I have to work the next day I do fine. 

Right now my biggest worry is going to be money.  With me making so little at work I have to be even more careful about how I spend it.  So the $1 menu at McDonald's is going to be utilized often. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Good news and bad news.  My paycheck is not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  So that is good news, but the bad news is as I suspected, they have cut my hours again.  The sales have been terrible.  They are not allowed to tell us exactly how many hours are cut and how they are going to cut them up. But I am working one less shift next week.

I am lucky that the day that they cut is the slowest of the ones I work.  So I won't be missing all that much, but still.

I was really upset about it yesterday.  I am still am.  I was really feeling that this was almost over for me, but I am feeling unsure of that again.  But I do have a job interview next week.  It will be a decent paying position as well.  I may even be able to move back into my apartment as long as I get a roommate that is reliable with paying the bills on time.  But I don't want to get too far ahead of myself yet.  I have to pray that it works out.

I slept pretty well last night.  I should tonight as well.  This is going to be the least cold nights of the week.  I am going to sleep in just my socks tonight to help care for my feet.  The look better for a bit, then they go back to looking sickly again after a few days.  I think the only real solution is to have a real home to sleep in so I can care for them properly, so I will do the best that I can between now and then.

Sunday and Monday nights are going to be cold.  I can't afford a hotel room for two nights so I will have to see what I will do about that.  I try to not think too far ahead in case something else happens between now and then.

I really need to take a shower.  I have been giving myself sponge baths, but I feel kind of grimy.  I saw an ad for a gym that only charges $20 per month with no sign up fee.  I am sure there are limitations but I could care less about working out right now, I really just want to use the shower a few times a week.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


I slept pretty well last night.  I was very tired and went to sleep much earlier than I normally do thinking that since it wasn't that cold out I would take advantage of it.  I still can't really sleep long periods in my car.  I wake up after a few hours.  But since I wasn't cold I was able to go back to sleep.  So I feel pretty good today.  More awake than I normally feel in the mornings.

I have not a decent meal all week, so since I have spent my money wisely this week I am going to splurge a little on a good meal.  I think I will have some soup and salad.  I don't always get to eat vegetables.  So this will be a bit of treat as well as healthier than what I have been eating for the past week.

There is this place that has a special on pizza's on Monday nights and I figured I could really get anything else that filling for that cheap.  That was the greasiest pizza I have had in my life.  My stomach was bothering me afterwards, which is really saying something that with all the junk I eat it bothered my stomach.

I also think I am going to go to McDonald's and get a cup of orange juice.  That is something else that I can't afford on a regular basis.  I probably won't because I still have four days until I get paid.  Also, my paycheck won't be much at all since the sales have just been horrible.

The weather is going to be good until Sunday night.  That will be the problem night.  The rest of the week will be good for sleeping.  I am always grateful for the warmer nights, or more accurately the nights that aren't so cold.  Tomorrow night I may even be able to sleep without shoes on.  Which will be good for my feet.  I noticed some skin grossness again this morning, but not nearly as much as I had.  So I still need to be very careful.  I am not able to soak them, but I washed them as thoroughly as I could with warm water.  I dried them thoroughly and patted them down in talc.  So they should be good.  I will check them again this afternoon and see if I need to get some warm water on them again.  I have enough talc and another pair of clean socks with me, so I should be good.

I will tell you, when this is over it will be a long time before I eat something off the McDonald's dollar menu.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


As predicted I wasn't able to get much sleep last night, 4 or possibly 5 hours.  I woke up about 5 am and was too cold to go back to sleep.  I had decided not to go to a movie and that was a good thing, because I would have gotten even less sleep.  I figured I would go the movie tonight when everything closes early tonight anyway.

It will be warmer, well not warmer, but not as cold overnight so I should get more sleep than I did last night.  Also I can take a pretty long nap during the day tomorrow.  That is much harder for me to do on a Sunday, not impossible but hard.

I do have to say I slept very soundly.  I remember having a dream.  That was the first dream that I remember since this all started.  I am normally someone who has very vivid dreams.  But not since this has started.  I am sure that I have had dreams, but I have no memory of them, and that is not the norm for me.

So I guess that I got some good REM sleep is a plus.  But I am so tired right now I can barely keep my eyes opened.  But falling asleep where I am is not possible.  So I will have to wait until this afternoon to try and catch a nap.

I am very hungry, but my money is very limited between today and Friday so I must be careful.  I had something small for breakfast so I have to wait until lunch.  But it is hard to have a set routine about eating when your sleeping patterns are so unusual.

Well I am going to take a walk in the still cold morning air to wake myself up.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


I didn't realize I have been gone so long.  Time flies.

I survived my first homeless snow and ice storm.  Luckily it was not so bad.  The temperature when I woke up was just under 30 so I was able to sleep pretty well.  My feet were a little cold when I woke up, but outside of that I was fine.  Tonight will be much trickier.  It is due to go down to the mid twenties.  If, and only if, you can fall asleep very quickly and you are properly dressed, you will sleep for at least a few hours.  But falling asleep quickly is not so easy.  You are not exactly comfortable in a car.  Since I have to work tonight, I can't get to a shelter in a timely fashion and I am on my own.  If I have to, I will grab a book and cup of tea in an all night diner and then try to sleep tomorrow during the day.  I have a place I can go to, but it doesn't open until later in the day, but there is nothing else I can do.  I am going to see a very late movie so when I am done I will be really tired.

I have come across another new homeless person.  She seems to be like me.  She has on very nice clothes, has a computer and phone (much fancier than mine).  I don't know her story and I probably never will, but she sleeps in very public places.  Much more brazen about it than I have been.  I, at least, try to subtle about it all.  There are also two other women both of Asian descent that I see all the time.  I think both are homeless as well.  One sleeps in a very public place, the other I just run into some mornings using this public restroom.  It isn't that, but how she washes herself up in the restroom that is a little off and makes me think that she is homeless too.  I guess I am getting a radar for the homeless around me in a way I have never had in the past.

Work has been terrible lately.  I won't be a bit surprised if I lose this job completely.  The sales are next to nothing.  I am hoping that since today is Saturday, I will have a decent day, but I am not holding my breath.  I don't remember it being this bad in January in the past.  I hope that I am wrong, and this is just the normal ebb and flow of the sales.

Oh, I guess I should give an update on my feet.  They are better.  I can tell that already.  The skin is peeling off them badly, but I think (I could easily be wrong) that is a sign of health.  The skin that was damaged is going away and fresher skin will replace it.  I have not allowed them to stay wet since this has all happened.  I change my socks at least twice every day, I use a great deal of powder in my socks to help absorb any moisture.  I am keeping my boot wearing down, and trying to wear my sneakers and another pair of boots that are not lined as often as possible.

I am just very grateful that Mr/Ms Deekaman told me about the problem, otherwise I think it could have been much  worse, so thank you.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I had to go back to the nurse I saw the other day today.  They gave me another voucher to stay in a hotel for another night.  They told me my feet need to heal.  The skin is damaged from all the sweating from wearing boots all the time.  They are also really itchy.

It is nice to have a bed and all that.  But I only have until tomorrow morning here and my feet aren't better.  So I will have to be more careful about them.  I will need to make sure that I am changing my socks as often as I can.  I admit that part of it had been laziness.  It just isn't easy to pull off all the layers that I wear when it is cold.  I stopped wearing tights when I was sleeping because they kept digging into my toes.  I can't find seamless tights.  I am not sure that they make them.  They make them in panty hose, but not tights.

They are still a little red, but they look much better than they did two days ago.  The skin looks more or less normal, but they are very dry.  I soaked them three times today.  They don't smell anymore!!  That is something.

I also washed out my bras too.  I find it so freeing to not have to wear a bra for a few days.  I am a little too curvy to get away without wearing one out in public.

It will be warm enough to sleep most of this week.  The only night that may be hard is Wednesday.  But some nights are supposed to be in the forties.  I may be able to sleep in just socks.  Which will help with my feet.  I am going to have to start wearing my sneakers during the day, and put on my boots only on really cold days and to sleep in.  That should help with the sweating.

It is strange, because I never had sweaty feet before except on really hot summer days.  So I don't know why I am having this problem now.

The hotel I am in isn't that nice, but it is free, so I shouldn't complain.  I looked it up online and it is very inexpensive, so I guess that is why they have vouchers for it.  But one would think that the state would have some kind of standards of being sanitary.  I suppose the reason that they don't have to update them is that they get filled up anyway.  It seems like I am not the only person in financial need here.

I took a very long nap this afternoon so now I can't sleep and I need to.  I don't want to start out tomorrow being tired.  I need to sleep soundly when I have the chance.

Oh, they also gave me the name of dentist that will clean my teeth.  I have missed that.  I really need to get a good cleaning since I have not had one in quite a while.  I think I have a cavity too.  I have tried very hard to keep my teeth clean and brush often.  But I have not eaten well in about a year and I think that may have some effect.

Well I am going to try and sleep for the rest of the night.  I need to soak my feet at least one more time before I go.

Saturday, January 14, 2012


I have decided that I am going to need a foot transplant after this is over.  The skin on my feet doesn't even look human anymore.  I can't even describe how gross it is.  There is nothing that I can do about it, because I need to wear the heavy boots to stay warm, but they get very sweaty when I am inside.  I can't carry around my boots everywhere.  I guess I could, but it isn't very practical.  They also just smell so bad too.  It is just plain gross.

I am also just so tired all the time.  You just can't sleep that long when it is this cold.  I only get maybe four or five hours a night.  That just isn't enough.  I won't be able to go anywhere to take a nap until Tuesday because of the MLK holiday on Monday.  The place I go to for naps will be closed.

But I have figured out some things about myself during this process.  I have realized that I am hearty.  I have survived this much to my own amazement.  I have learned that you can sleep without a blanket.  Something I didn't think it was possible until you try to sleep in a car when it is 80 degrees at 2 a.m..  I realized that you can sleep in a car when it is 25 degrees out if you layer your clothes properly.  I have realized I can sleep through hearing trucks emptying out dumpsters.  I don't even wake up at it anymore.

I have figured out how to keep yourself clean when you don't have access to a shower.  I have learned to realize my own company is not so bad.  I have figured out that you can still keep your pride when others look at you as someone who doesn't deserve respect.  I have also realized that pride sometimes gets in your way.

I have figured out how to fill yourself up with very limited funds.  But I think the most important thing I have figured out was how not to lose hope even when things are bad and it feels like it won't get better.  It will get better.  You just have to keep working at it and moving forward.

This isn't over yet, but I am getting closer.  I got an email today and my federal income tax will file on Tuesday, so that is going to be a huge help to me and give me the ability to get over my biggest hurdle that I am facing.  I should also be able to get most, if not all, of my car repairs done.

The light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and brighter.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I was having an issue with my computer.  For some strange reason it removed my virus protection software and wouldn't allow me to reload it.  It kept telling me that I had a hard disk error.  Luckily, Mr. Christopher was able to instruct me about how to check my hard drive on my own and there is no problem other than piece of software.  He also gave me a name of something that I could download for free.  So I am able to get back on the internet without worrying about some bad guys doing God knows what to my computer.  So, thanks Mr. Christopher.

It has been a long week for some reason.  I am not sure why.  But I was able to get a nap yesterday afternoon which is always a treat.  I didn't sleep all that great last night.  My almost brand new battery is dead.  I have to take it to the place where I bought to get it replaced.  I am not paying for it again that is for sure.  I paid over $150 to get it installed.  That was only in September.  I just need to find my receipt.  It can't be possible that it isn't under warranty at this point.  This is the second time I couldn't get it started.  The AAA guy came and did some sort of diagnostic test on it and said my alternator and starter are fine, but the battery is completely dead, it has 0 CCM's I think he said.  He was able to get it started and then told me I need to drive it around and let it run for about 15 minutes to get it recharged.  I did that, but last night again it wouldn't start.  I didn't want to call AAA two days in a row for the same problem, so I am just going to wait until I can get it to that place.  I have to go near there today so I am going to see if the mechanic is still there to talk to.  If not I will call them in the morning.

So it was cold this morning.  But someone told me that Walmart has sleeping bags that are supposed to keep you warm to 15 degrees for only $40.  That is quite a bit of money to me, but it just may be worth the cost.  I just don't know if they will still have them.  I have to stop there on Friday when I get paid to see.

It is going to be pretty cold this weekend.  I will get by for the next few nights, not so cold. But this weekend is going to be in the low 20's.  That is just too cold for me.  Since I really don't have the money for a motel, I will have to go to the shelter again I guess.  I hate it there.

There is class warfare even among the homeless.  Since I have more than most homeless they don't like me much.  Which is fine, I am not really trying to make life long friendships at this point in my life, just trying to survive.  So I guess I am in the 1% of the homeless.  Kind of funny if you think about it.  "Regular" people look at me like human trash because I am homeless and the other homeless look at me with jealousy I guess.  So I guess the name of my blog is very apropos; I am on the outside looking in.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


Work didn't go well at all this week, so that is not good for the paycheck.  What there will be of it.  I will just have to deal and be very, very careful with the money that I have, been there already.

I am waiting to do my income tax return.  That will help me, but they won't accept any electronic filings for another two weeks or something like that.  I was hoping to have my return by the end of the month, but that doesn't look like it will happen.  Early February will be more like it.  I should get back everything since I live below what is considered the poverty line.  Which if you think about it, I should be since I am homeless.  I don't know what threshold is to be considered living in poverty legally.  But if only having enough money to live in a car isn't it, I don't know what is.

I have food for the week, at least I hope I do.  I should.  There is a grocery store that has a microwave they let people use, so I can always get a can of soup or spaghetti o's which are cheap.  Not very filling, but at least it will be something.  I am not overly worried about that for right now.  I also have enough on my bus card to get me back and forth to work this week.  So I am good for now.

It will be after I get paid that things will get tricky because I have a bunch of bills that are due.  I may have to dip into my stash to keep my checking account from becoming overdrawn and getting a bunch of fees.  Not that anyone wants to spend their money that way, but it is especially troubling when you are living hand to mouth having your money wasted in that way.

I slept well last night, so that is always nice.  I like it when I don't start the day really dragging, because if you start out that way, you can just imagine what I feel like by the time I am ready to go to sleep.  I feel like the walking dead.  Also, tonight is Sunday, when everything closes early.  I don't have the money for a movie either.

Have a good Sunday all.

Thursday, January 5, 2012


I got through the cold night and had a warm place to stay.  It wasn't nice, but like I said it was warm and it did the job.  I was able to shower too.  So that was good.

I have had a bad few days at work this week, so that is not good.  I have to hope that this weekend picks up, otherwise I am going to have another very sad looking paycheck.  It will still be better than the last one, but I have more bills to pay with this one.  My phone bill is due shortly.  My property taxes went up so I now have to start paying a portion of that myself.  That will be due shortly too.

I make progress and then something else happens to slow that progress down.  There is nothing that I can do about it, so I just need to keep moving forward without feeling sorry for myself.

I ran into that homeless woman who helped me get to my storage unit several months back.  I thought she was getting back on her feet, but it doesn't look that way.  The job she thought she had with a friend of hers isn't giving her much work, her unemployment has run out, and no real prospects in sight.  She is older and has health issues that makes working retail very difficult.  She also was recently in the hospital with blood clots.  She will be on medication for quite a while to thin her blood.  But the good news is that at least she found a place to stay temporarily.  Nothing fancy, a small room in a basement that doesn't have a bed, but it has heat and a bathroom.  I guess with blood clots sleeping in her car just isn't an option anymore.  I am not in position to offer her much, if anything, and won't be for quite some time I would think.

The young kid I kept seeing is gone.  Maybe he worked things out with his parents and went back home.  He couldn't have been more than 18 or 19.

I have not seen the vet in quite a while.  I hope he is ok.  I guess it is easier for me to worry about others, that way I don't have to think about myself so much.

But I still have not seen creepy guy.  So that is really good news.  I will take what I can get.

I will get some extra hours next week, so that should help me a bit, if I get some sales.

I need to find some inexpensive food for the day, so I am off.

Monday, January 2, 2012


I must say that I there are some sick people in the world.  At the shelter there was this young couple having sex on the floor in front of everyone while they were trying to sleep.  Any doubt that some of you may have had about why I resist the shelter should be gone.

Who wants to see that?  I sure don't.  If I could have left I would have. But I was unable to, no more buses for the night.  I am going to try and get through in my car tonight.  It is only going to be in the mid 20's so while I will be cold, I think I can survive the night with a small amount of sleep.  The place that I can go to and take a nap opens at 10 tomorrow morning.  So I can just get through the night and sleep there.  There is an all night restaurant that I am going to park near tonight so if worse comes to worse I will grab a book and sit there with a hot drink and nurse it as long as I can.

Tomorrow night that won't be possible, it will be too cold.  I will have to find a place to go.  I don't have enough for a decent hotel room, so I will be forced back to the shelter I guess unless I can find another solution between now and then.  These will be the two coldest nights of the week.  The rest of the week I will be fine I think.  Mid thirties I can sleep pretty well if I am dressed right.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


I survived New Year's Eve and I did it without any tears.  I saw two movies; New Year's Eve and The Descendants.  Neither was worth $12.  New Year's Eve was cute in it's way.  It had a big cast with stories that intertwined with each other and by the end it came full circle.  Somewhat predictable but there was one or two twists that I didn't expect.  The Descendants had George Clooney in it.  It is about a man whose wife is in a boating accident and falls into a coma.  After the accident he finds out things about her he really wishes he didn't know.  He is also dealing with some long time family business.  So it goes back and forth between his family today and how they are dealing with the accident and his family from long ago.  It is very heavy.  If you not in the mood for that don't go see it.  It was ok.  I will say that George Clooney runs funny, and he looks old now.  I thought it was pretty good.  I missed the first ten minutes, but I still enjoyed it.  Made my problems seem not so bad.  It takes place in Hawaii and the scenery was very nice.  I have never been and always wanted to go.  One day, maybe.

I got back to my car after 1 so it was all over with.  I didn't have to worry about the big moment of a brand new year.  It was comfortable enough to sleep just fine.  I was a little cold when I woke up this morning, but I only used two blankets and I really should have used the third one.  But, I didn't have to sleep in my boots or keep my coat zippered.  Always a plus.

The place I like to go on Sunday's is closed today for the holiday, so I have to find something else to occupy my time.  It is supposed to be very mild out today, so maybe I will just find a sunny place to sit for a while and enjoy the warmth.  It looks like the last I will be getting for a while.  Tonight will be fine for sleeping, but the rest of the week is going to very cold for sleeping.  The church that is taking in the homeless for Operation Hypothermia is easy for me to get to, so I will more than likely end up there on the days I don't work.  But on days that I work it is too late, by the time I get there it will be full.  So I will be on my own those nights.  But I will have to find a way to make due and just run the heat in the car every 90 minutes or so for about ten minutes.  I will only get about three hours of sleep that way, but there is nothing that I can do.  If I don't have to work the next day it isn't so bad, because I have found a place that I can nap.  They don't bother me at all. But when I do have to work the next day, it is awful.  I am so tired that I can barely think.

I have to just keep telling myself that this is almost over.